How NOT to protect your child from harm: Illustrations included

Read another bloglady’s rant about how girl-children and their parents are subtly being influenced to dress little girls like tarts.  I totally agree with her.  A friend commented on Facebook that his 3-year old saw Beyonce jiggling away on TV and said:  “She’s got no pants on.”  He further commented:  “maybe my 3 year old should explain to her that singing about girl dignity without clothes is kinda stupid”

Subtle does it

We’re often not aware enough of these subtle messages we are being bombarded with via the media and fashion buyers!  (A little side-rant:  I’m now in that dark fashion space where clothes in South African shops are either for young adults or for old ladies.  Flippen nothing in-between! Choice:  mutton dressed as lamb or frumpy aunty. Gmf.)  I digress. 

Seeing is believing!

ReluctantMom posted some pictures of examples of how girl-children are being made familiar with “tart-roles”.  I felt really sad at some of the pictures as I don’t think any parent really plan to do their children harm.  Often it is ignorance, lack of training or just stupidity.  Unfortunately, there are more long-term effects to a lack of knowledge or training. Here are more pics I found on-line of parents who make stupid choices with regards to protecting their children from harm.  I'm uncomfortable with posting some of these pictures here because of the obvious lack of respect for women and the emotional safety of children, but here goes... 

Core Needs

I’ve previously mentioned that children have 8 core needs and protection is one of these core needs.  When children are not protected from bad influences by their caregivers, it can lead to all sorts of problems.  I think allowing girl-children to dress beyond their age exposes them to interaction with the opposite gender that are beyond their emotional maturity.  It tells them that the inside-me is not as important as the outside-me.  Probably also that the way to attract attention is through the outside-me.  I’m not going to comment on the messages boys get regarding girls as that is a whole rant on its own.

Help your child choose well

What parents need to remember is that their primary time of influence on their children is relatively short.  By age 13 or so, you’ve lost the time where you are the most important influence.  Then, friends are much more important and will be the main factor in shaping your child’s choices.  If, by then, your child is familiar with unhealthy influences, the chances are good that your child will make unhealthy choices.  I did it.  I’m sure everyone makes stupid choices because friends are doing it too.  If you’ve been able to protect your child adequately by giving her a good, solid base about the importance of self-respect and dignity...well, you’re a good-enough parent then.  Well done.

A suggestion to make living with guilt tolerable

Was chatting with my sis about the constant guilt mothers have about not being a good enough mother.  She recently went back to work after having Lily.  Not big trainsmash, since she works from home.  Yet, she still feels guilt because she feels grateful has an excuse to be away from Lily for a bit. 

Introverts need some time on their own
To me it makes a lot of sense.  She's an introvert, which means interaction with people drains her emotional energy.  Being alone recharges her emotional energy.  Anyway, nothing drains your energy like a child!  I'm an extrovert and gets energy from interaction with people and I get sucked dry from interaction with children!

So anyhow.  The guilt comes from ideas about what a good mother should and should not do.  Good mothers are supposed to want to be with their children, don't they?  Good mothers shouldn't want a break from their little jewels, should they?  Good mothers never want to give their children Neurophen so they would sleep through one night - just one night!

The tyranny of shoulds
Our society indoctrinates us with all sorts of subtle strange ideas.  Interesting how these subtle standards are just sooo unrelenting and sooo unrealistic.  It makes us unhappy because we can NEVER fulfil the expectations of these standards.  Nobody does.  Almost everybody tries to.  Lots pretend they are happy living according to these "shoulds". 

What do we get from living under the tyranny of shoulds? 
Depression, stress, shouting at kids, needing that glass of wine in the evenings, fighting with husbands, "headache" every night just before it's time for bed, chocolate. 

Crazy making shoulds
Living under the tyranny of shoulds is a constant crazy-making game. 

It's like feeling ok about yourself only after you've lost the last 5kgs.  Or after the next promotion.  Or after buying the bigger car.  Or after your husband changes this...or that. 

Not guilt-free
I'm not proposing that you will be able to live without guilt at all.  Guilt is good when it leads to a change in thinking and behaviour.  Good guilt leads to clarity and refreshment.  Think of the last time you were first to apologise for starting a fight.  How good it felt to know that you did wrong but could mend the wounds with an apology.  That's good guilt. 

Free from inappropriate guilt
What I suggest is that you realise guilt induced by unrealistic, unrelenting "they will think" or "I should" thinking are inappropriate guilt.

It is inappropriate because it is built on inhumane building blocks.  On building blocks that expect perfection.  And even worse, undefined perfection! All you know about this vague standard is that you'll never reach it; you'll always fall short. 

You will only be a good enough mother when you ... (fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).  
You will only be a good enough wife when you....(fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).
Your husband will be good enough when he...(fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).
You will feel happy in your skin only when you...(fill in vague or unrealistic blank).

Really?  Said who?
Ask yourself:  Who taught me this?  Who said it should be?  It this standard realistic?  Is it good for me?  Is it good for those around me? 

If trying to live according to this standard is causing unhealthy reactions, it probably not good for you, your children, your relationships or your health.   

My suggestion

1. Make a list of all these unrealistic and vague expectations that rules your sanity. 
2. Then, formulate a more realistic expectation.  This is often the difficult part and it may help to chat to friends about it.  You'll be surprised how many similarities you'll have with your friends when it comes to unrealistic and vague OK-ness.
3. Then formulate a plan.  Make sure your plan is specific and realistic!  You might have to think outside the box a bit to find a practical solution to make your plan work. 

An example could be: 

1. Unrealistic expectation:  To be a good mother, I should always like to be with my children. 
2. More realistic expectation:  As a good mother, I need a break from them at least 30 minutes a day. 
3. Plan:  I will train my children that if the "mommy's taking a break" sign is on the door, they are not allowed to come in OR stand by the door knocking and yelling at the top of their voices about how their brother/sister is doing this or that / not doing this or that! (this is obviously for older children)

It might take a bit of training and boundary setting to get your plan to work.  Remember, you are working with trainable little minds, so just stick to it.  (Easier said than done, I know.)

The bottom line
You are not expected to live under the tyranny of any unrealistic and vague "should" to be a good enough mother.  So, show yourself some respect and kindness and start your fight against this tyranny. 

You really are allowed to.  Promise.

Which of the "shoulds" are causing you the most inappropriate guilt?
What effects does these unrealistic and vague expectations have in your life?
Which decisions have you made after reading this article?
Tell me in the comments section below. 

Listen UP so I don't have to MOP up.

Well, I’ve been ranting and raving about fathers who hurt their children.  You might think I’m too hard on fathers; maybe I am.  Knowing myself, I probably am.

The reality is that I often mop up the mess parents made.  I sit and listen while grown men and women sob.  SOB! Always because of things their parents consistently did, or did not do.  There we sit and try to reverse a lifetime of unnecessary repercussions.   

To be unsentimental, I make a living out of such heartache.  I chose it and studied many years to make this my profession.  So, I’m not complaining. 

What I am doing is telling whoever will listen that it doesn’t have to be this way!  A friend calls me “Dr Damnit” – as in “listen to me damnit!”  So, listen to me damnit!  You can be a good enough parent.  Not perfect, just good enough.  Just wake up! Reflect! Open your eyes! Get with the program!

Fortunately I know that not all dads are ignorant, self-focussed or immature.  I know some, so it’s not a myth or an idealist vision I had.  This was just confirmed as I came across an article by Dan the laughing single dad of cutie Noah: You just broke your child.  Congratulations. 

I think I recognise the same depressed-angry mood I’ve been experiencing the past week or two and have posted about here and here and here. 

Thanks SDL for putting in words many of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had about how parents objectify their children.  Treat them like possessions, not children.  Sometimes worse than they treat their possessions. 

Thank you SDL for addressing dads.  For calling men to take responsibility for being a good dad.  Not just leaving it up to moms to parent.

Thanks SDL for re-igniting the idealist in me that believes that there are imperfect Good Enough Parents out there. 

Maybe I’d be lucky enough to be out of a job one day.  In the meantime, I’ll just continue to be Dr Damnit!

Oh yes, before I forget.  Thank you SDL.  I scraped that great picture from your article.  The only one that would work here.  Forgiven?

Hit the Wall? Pink Floyd on Parenting

The poster for the movie

When your favourite movies start showing on TCM (Turner’s Classic Movies), you know you’ve climbed over an invisible wall recognised by your peers and those older than you.  It’s that wall that makes teens and 20-somethings look at you funny when you sing:  “I want to break free-eeee!” or can sing Haas Das, Liewe Heksie or Pinocchio’s theme song. 

Those were the days when TV started at 6pm and closed at 10pm with Die Stem reverently sung by a choir of [definitely white] voices.

Youth is wasted on the young?
I knew that the day would arrive when I don’t feel 18 inside anymore. 

Hints were the good looking young men at university who insisted on calling me “Ma’am” and young ladies that look like I feel inside (that’s 18, remember) that referred to me as “daai Tannie”. 

The Wall on TCM
Yes, I had hints that this day will arrive... but that it would arrive with The Wall being on TCM; well that was unexpected.  Nevertheless, I had a fabulous time late last night watching Pink Floyd’s cult record translated to movie/animation by Alan Parker (the director of another all-time favourite of mine – The Commitments).

The Story

Pink Floyd - my hero Roger Waters is 2nd right.

For those poor impoverished souls who have missed out on this vital part of your upbringing and socialisation into the real world (according to Roger Waters), you can go read up on it at Wikipedia. 

The basic story is about a pop star called Pink Floyd (ja, I know) played by Bob Geldoff and his journey and battle with alienation and emotional detachment. 

Lots of metaphors and stunning music and other deep stuff.  Njam.  And a grillerige scene where Pink shaves off his chest hair and eyebrows with one of those 1970s safety razors. 


Young Pink and Catatonic Pink

Parenting?
There are all sorts of themes that are part of the Good Enough Parent course embedded in The Wall. 

Pink’s father died in the war and being abandoned by his father, he longs for a father figure.  There you have the Abandonment lifetrap.

His mother is over protective as the lyrics from Mother say:  “She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing.” There you have the Dependency and maybe Defectiveness Lifetraps developing.

He writes poetry and his teacher shames him big time in class for his poems...Defectiveness/Shame and Mistrust lifetrap.  Pink becomes more and more emotionally detached and builds this metaphorical wall between him and others.  This is the avoidant coping style in action, baby! 

Avoidant Coping Style

People with the genetic disposition to cope with their pain/frustration at unmet need by avoiding really tell themselves that the pain of their unmet needs is too painful to face.  They then find ways of distracting themselves and “remove” the pain from their conscious awareness.  Every time an image, thought or memory regarding the lifetrap or unmet need is activated in their minds or lives, they distract themselves by being busy with something else.  Of course, some people end up having to distract themselves constantly.  This is why the avoidance coping tendency is very much alive where addictions are present...so much for that chocolate binge you were planning for later, hey?

Unfortunately the distributor is Warner, which means I don’t have copyright to use movie clips from The Wall during the Good Enough Parenting training.  Pity as it would have helped to illustrate avoidant coping in a brilliant manner.  Anyway, heard on Sky this morning that Waters and Gillmore will be reuniting for a The Wall performance.  Anyone feel like donating a ticket to a die-hard fan? 

If you're in the mood, you can read some more deep stuff into the lyrics to Mother, one of the songs from The Wall:

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like this song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for President?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Is it just a waste of time?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you
Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
Momma's will keep Baby cozy and warm
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, of course Momma's gonna help build the wall


Mother, do you think she's good enough
For me?
Mother, do you think she's dangerous
To me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
Momma won't let anyone dirty get through
Momma's gonna wait up until you get in
Momma will always find out where you've been
Momma's gonna keep Baby healthy and clean
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, you'll always be Baby to me


Mother, did it need to be so high?



The older I get, the more I parent like my mom. Aaaargh?

Ja, so I went to Bangalore in December 2010 to be trained to facilitate two schema therapy based courses - Good Enough Parenting (about parenting, obviously) and I Choose Us, for married couples.  Wow, was that great!  I will talk about India another day, but I was freaking ecstatic about these two courses.  I've listened and been at so many parenting and relationship classes in churches, outside religion and ofcourse, during the 6 years at varsity training to be a shrink.  What I loved about these is that it helps one to go that bit deeper in self-awareness and, surprisingly, self-acceptance!  Ja, I know that I have turned into my mom with the kids - even though I vowed the 1st two decades of my life not to do it.  But now at least I understand WHY and I can stop beating myself over the head when I get grumpy with the kids.  You know the I-am-messing-them-up-for-life panic one strikes after being impatient with a hyper 6-year old.  Even better, now I also know how to NOT do what I don't want to do...or at least apologise for what I now know isn't functional.  What a relief.

So, Good Enough Parenting is all about being a good-enough, not perfect parent.  I use movie clips to show how to, and how not to during the classes.  It's fun and sometimes very intense.  It's actually quite amazing how many Hollywood movie scriptwriters actually purge their childhood pain and parenthood-angst through their craft.  I certainly have my pick and choose from many movies about disapproving fathers and frustrated sons! 

These two courses were developed in Singapore by John and Karen Louis and they have trained people all over the world to be facilitators.  Certainly a labour of love for this lovable couple.  But I saw marriage change in front of my eyes while we were being trained in Bangalore.  I certainly have learnt a whole lot about myself and my issues, oi vey.  Also started using Schema Therapy in my psychology practice and can call myself a schema therapy convert.  I'm sommer using the therapy on myself because it makes so much sense.  Ja, psychologists do analyse themselves and that's why, NO, I'm not analysing you(not for free, anyway)...a little shrink humour. 

How mommy nearly didn't survive Big Boy's 1st day at school

So the crisis is over.  My sister survived, I survived, Oripha survived and not least of all, little Jonathan (aka Gogga) survived...his first (half) day at crèche. I think he probably had it the easiest of us all.  Maryke started stressing about a year ago already, Oripha hit the stress-point the beginning of 2011 and I only really got it last night, probably because I was so consumed with finishing the preparations for the first Good Enough Parenting workshops.  The workshop went well, but more about that another time. 



Big Boy and Sharks backpack



In preparation for his first day as a Big Boy at school, Gogga has been told he’s going to school.  Maryke’s explained step-by-step what he will do there, his teacher’s name and the first day procedure.  His little book on Barney taking Baby-bop (the baby dino) to school was faithfully read a few times a day.  Poor Gogga even referred to Shelley’s little 5-month old Daniel as Baby-bop; Fully emerged in the going-to-school narrative, our little Big Boy. 



So off this morning, he went.  Dadda Frank got the dirty job of taking him to school and together with his little Sharks backpack (what else?!), off our Big Boy went the Baby-bop route.  He cried a little when Dadda left him there but within an hour was going up to the other big boys and big girls and interacted with them.  So easy when you’re two; so hard when you’re a parent.  Face still red after some abandoning-my-children angst, my sister finally accepted she is on the journey of letting her kids grow older and more independent.  Of course, this was also the day 10-week old Lily chose to be happy at home with Oripha for 3 hours.  Mommy needed the away-from-home time, but it was a bitter-sweet victory for my wonderful sister. 



Regarding preparing a little Big Boy for a daunting new experience:  Maryke made sure she filled the following core needs for Gogga:

·        Guidance and Protection; and

·        Stable base & Predictability.



Proud mom takes Gogga home



Children are born with 8 core needs that need to be adequately (not too much, not too little) met for them to develop without lifetraps.  Gogga’s temperament means that he doesn’t adapt quickly and he is slow to warm up to new situations.  The daily story telling helped Gogga to know what would happen today.  He knew what procedure would be followed and he understood that he will be going back home as well.  From a young age, Maryke would tell Gogga when she left that she is going to be out for a bit but she will be back before he has to take his nap or whatever.  He quickly learnt that she will be back and the intensity of his separation anxiety diminished quickly. He has learnt that he can trust her; she will be back.  Gogga’s mom helped him to be securely attached to him by always being predictable; never making him feel like he was or will be abandoned. It has helped so much with his normal separation anxiety issues the past two years but real dividends showed today. 



So, tomorrow is his first swimming lesson.  Another big obstacle for our slow to warm Big Boy...wonder if his cute little cammo swimsuit will even get wet tomorrow.  And if mommy will survive...