John Lennon says: Love means saying you're sorry every fifteen minutes

Love means never having to say you're sorry.  This is a line from the novel and movie Love Story.  Total nonsense.  Love means that you never stop apologising!  


Apology vs Anger-layers
I agree with what John Lennon said:  "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes." Nobody's perfect and we really hurt someone close to us at least once a day. Whether its unintentional or intentional doesn't matter:  we hurt one another.  Undealt with, these hurts can build up to become solid anger-layers inside us.  This post is not about these layers.  It's about building the habit of heartfelt apologies and how apologies refresh and build humble, cooperative relationships.  

A heartfelt apology says:  I acknowledge that I violated something about you - your beliefs, values, dignity; something you care about.  A heartfelt apology doesn't have to be heavy but it has to be honest, humble and truly about reconciliation.  Anyone can see a trite apology a mile off and all it does is solidify the anger of the offended party, thereby increasing the relationship rift.


Be like little children
One can see this so well in sibling-relationships in children.  Sibs sometimes come close to murder but a real apology quickly restores harmony.  But let one just give a dishonest "sorry"...the other one is usually quick to protest the plastic apology and the previous conflict just resumes where it was left off!  It takes time to help children work through real conflict and help them to reach real resolution and forgiveness, but it always warms my heart to see how quickly a real sorry fix their relationship.  Doesn't mean they won't be moving on to murder pretty quickly, but it usually is because of new issues.

As adults, we have the responsiblity to teach our children how to apologise.  The most powerful way is by modelling it to them.  The question then is:  How often do you apologise to them for making mistakes with them?  For yelling at them.  Or not sharing your chocolate with them or fighting with their other parent in front of them.  For swearing in traffic.  For making their brother or sister cry.  For losing your patience.  For all the things you expect of them but not doing yourself.  Children are not stupid.  They are able to see when your walk and your talk doesn't match up.  


Apologies prevent shame lifetraps
The thing about not apologising is that it hurts your children.  They have a core need to know true boundaries, true pictures of themself.  If you hurt them but don't apologise, they think they've been treated unfairly because there must be something wrong with them.  That is called shame and is one of the most destructive lifetraps that a person can develop.  From about the age of 8, they start to realise its not all them and they start to mistrust you and everything you try to teach them. 


Just be good enough
I know it is hard to be a parent - so much that sucks you dry.  Nobody expects you to be perfect, just be good enough.  That means that you do the most good you can in a day and make sure it is more than the "bad".  And you apologise for the "bad".  Apologising helps your child to see it's not their bad that makes you upset.  That you had a choice to act in an upbuilding way and you chose not to.  Also that you chose to take responsiblity for your bad choices and that you are willing to humble yourself to restore the relationship.  That the relationship with them is more important than your own ego or your need to feel OK about yourself.  


Every time I've apologised to a child for my own unfair behaviour or words, I've been floored by their willingness to forgive.  And how refreshing it was to be forgiven by their pure little hearts.  I've even gone as far as phoning my nieces at night if I think back over the day and realise that I did something unfair or that I did something that I expect them NOT to do.  It's humbling but it is also great to hear how happy they are that I've made the effort.  


Be adult about it...

Of course, these same things apply to adult relationships as well.  Unfortunately, apologies between adults are not as simple.  But it has exactly the same effect:  it restores peace and reconnects people.  We are made for deep connections and apologies are important ways to deepen connections.  


There are stacks of websites that will give you apology how2's and it bores me to rehash stuff that's already out there.  


However, knowing your own apology language and that of your significant others will probably help the process.  I did this online assessment and I learnt that apologies that focussed on accepting responsiblity are most meaningful to me:

You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.

I will ask others to take this questionnaire so I can also apologise to them in ways they find meaningful.  I don't apologise enough and I will make an effort to do so more.  Real love means that you will say sorry frequently.  

Are you in a self-defeating relationship?

Previously I’ve posted about bad relationship chemistry and how we tend to gravitate towards negative relationship patterns because we love the familiar, even if it’s unhealthy!  Often, we believe we deserve the unhealthy because of our own lifetraps.  A lifetrap is like a pair of glasses through which we see a distorted view of the world.  But because we’ve always had this pair of glasses, we think our distorted view is how things really are.  This distorted view relates to how we look at ourselves, how we perceive others and relationships and the world as a whole. 

For example:  Betty grew up in a home where her dad loved her but never showed it.  He was a quiet man who mostly tinkered in his workshop or read his newspaper.  When she tried to get his attention, he would get irritated with her.  Betty’s lifetrap glasses could make her world look like this:

·      Self:  I’m boring and not interesting enough to get attention from men.  My emotional needs are irritating.  I’m likely to be rejected if I make my needs known.

·      Others/relationships:  I can’t expect other’s to want to meet my emotional needs.  I should not bother others with my needs.

·      The world:  Rejecting; cold.

Betty therefore believes there is something wrong with her because she was not enough to warrant attention from her dad.  Her needs are not as important as her father’s needs and she believes that if she asks for emotional needs to be met, she will be rejected.  This then just confirms that there is something wrong with her.  She has learnt that love means that your emotional needs are not as important as what the other person wants.  Asking for emotional nurturance or guidance will mean you will probably be rejected as if you’re irritating.  This lifetrap tells her that this must mean that there is something wrong with her needs and emotions...and with her as a person.

These are the lifetraps of Emotional Deprivation and Shame/Defectiveness. 

How does this influence the type of relationships Betty gets involved in?  You’ve probably guessed.  Because she thinks her emotional needs are less important than those of others, she suppresses her needs.  She gets attracted to strong, quiet men, just like her dad.   They make her feel safe, because they’re not emotional or insecure.  However, they also don’t like it when she gets “uncontrolled” and emotional.  They tell her she is “needy” when she wants emotional reassurance or nurturance, just like her dad did.  They sometimes look at her like she’s crazy when she expresses strong needs or emotions – just like her dad. 

Betty has fallen into a relationship pattern of lifetrap chemistry.  She believes her emotional needs are not valid and therefore she is attracted to men who treat her in a way that confirms her beliefs; men who are rejecting of emotional needs and emotionally distant like her dad.  To avoid being rejected she suppresses her needs and emotions and focuses on being sensitive to his needs, maybe in the hope that if she’s giving enough he will return the favour.  Of course, he has his own lifetraps and he never learns from her.  The more emotionally demanding she becomes, the more rejecting he becomes.  This dynamic confirms all her beliefs:  I’m not allowed to have needs.  My needs are not OK.  I will be rejected by others if I’m real and vulnerable. 

It really is a vicious circle.

It is interesting, however, how much sexual chemistry is involved when there are really toxic lifetrap chemistry going on.  Nowadays, being attracted to a partner or having sexual chemistry seems to be a deciding factor with partner selection.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, this chemistry is often based on lifetrap chemistry.  Bad chemistry that will create more trouble than it’s worth. 

This is my pet cringe:  new very-much-in-love couples who radiate lifetrap chemistry.  I feel like the prophet of doom when I recognise it and I usually keep quiet.  But it doesn’t feel great when I later see the emotional turmoil involved in this relationship.  Painful, actually because I know that it can be prevented or resolved.  Either way requires confronting the self and taking responsibility for your own beliefs and actions.  That’s also difficult, which is why most people choose to carry on with the familiar pattern.  Better the devil you know, hey?

Do you have a pattern of lifetrap chemistry relationships?  What has been the effect on your life?  What beliefs about yourself and relationships drives these bad chemistry relationships? 

Is your relationship based on bad chemistry?

Something I've been noticing recently:  bad chemistry between partners is most often the source of unresolved conflict in relationships!  What I mean by bad chemistry is that one can be seriously attracted to a person that is least able to fill your emotional needs.  Needless to say; it makes for some serious unhealthy dynamics.

 

What do I mean?

Say I'm someone whose parents were able to fill all my physical needs like food, a roof over my head and education.  But my parents were not able to fulfil my emotional needs.  We never spoke about emotions and nobody ever asked me how I'm feeling or how something affected me emotionally.  I then probably have a lifetrap of Emotional Deprivation.  I will constantly feel a sense of emptiness inside can only be filled by someone else.  Sometimes I'll comfort eat to try and fill that trench.  Or I can become clingy and over-demanding for attention.

My chemistry

Being loved to me thus involves being in an emotionally depriving environment.  It isn't pleasant, but it is familiar.  It is a common thing about us humans; we're more often revert back to the familiar instead of the healthy. 

So, I meet a boy.  Due to his background, he is not able to fill emotional needs.  He can't provide emotional comfort or emotional nurturance in a healthy manner.  Logic will tell me to avoid!  But my lifetrap chemistry recognises the familiarity in this relationship.  So, I'll be attracted to a person who can't fill my emotional needs.  I will be attracted to someone who is emotionally depriving.

Can it be true?

Yup, unfortunately.  There is obviously something in me that could trigger my boy's own lifetraps.  More bad chemistry.  Maybe I am emotionally very giving with the hope that it will show him how to give emotionally.  But, sadly, this hardly ever works this way.  Maybe he has a lifetrap that says he and other people are not supposed to show strong emotion.  I interpret that as strength and like it.  But, of course, it isn't strength.  It is resistance against giving emotional support and nurturance. More a weakness than a strength.

And then?

In the relationship, I will demand emotional support.  He will resist giving emotional support, interpreting emotions as "bad".  My inner trench gets deeper.  I get very emotional.  He tells me to "not feel that way" or "get yourself together".  Or simply stares at me with disapproving surprise the more I cry or rave or throw a fuzzy.  You get the point.  It is a self-defeating vortex.

Why do I do this to myself?

Of course, nobody chooses to enter relationships based on bad chemistry.  These bad chemistry attractions happen outside of conscious awareness.  Remember that we are more attracted to what is familiar than what is healthy.  And that euphoric in lurve feeling is so addictive! Hard to resist.

Dysfunction is the gift...

...that keeps on giving.  Yup, look back at your life.  Is there a pattern in your relationships?  Are you attracted to people with similar characteristics?  Maybe like I described above?  The thing you loved the most about the person you fell in love with, are usually the thing you end up hating the most about them. 

What to do?

I can't say anything else here except SELF-AWARENESS. Know yourself.  Know your weaknesses.  Look at negative patterns in your relationships.  These probably point to some of your lifetraps and your potential for bad chemistry relationships.  Depending on how destructive these patterns are, I would suggest either honest conversations with your partner or professional counselling.  You want to work towards a healthy way of avoiding these bad chemistry vortexes.  Not impossible, but will take some honest commitment from both of you to recognise the vortexes in your relationships.  Then, to be committed to stop the vortex as soon as it gets triggered. 

I've described on type of bad chemistry interaction.  What type of interactions have you found in your relationships that could point to bad chemistry? 

Hit the Wall? Pink Floyd on Parenting

The poster for the movie

When your favourite movies start showing on TCM (Turner’s Classic Movies), you know you’ve climbed over an invisible wall recognised by your peers and those older than you.  It’s that wall that makes teens and 20-somethings look at you funny when you sing:  “I want to break free-eeee!” or can sing Haas Das, Liewe Heksie or Pinocchio’s theme song. 

Those were the days when TV started at 6pm and closed at 10pm with Die Stem reverently sung by a choir of [definitely white] voices.

Youth is wasted on the young?
I knew that the day would arrive when I don’t feel 18 inside anymore. 

Hints were the good looking young men at university who insisted on calling me “Ma’am” and young ladies that look like I feel inside (that’s 18, remember) that referred to me as “daai Tannie”. 

The Wall on TCM
Yes, I had hints that this day will arrive... but that it would arrive with The Wall being on TCM; well that was unexpected.  Nevertheless, I had a fabulous time late last night watching Pink Floyd’s cult record translated to movie/animation by Alan Parker (the director of another all-time favourite of mine – The Commitments).

The Story

Pink Floyd - my hero Roger Waters is 2nd right.

For those poor impoverished souls who have missed out on this vital part of your upbringing and socialisation into the real world (according to Roger Waters), you can go read up on it at Wikipedia. 

The basic story is about a pop star called Pink Floyd (ja, I know) played by Bob Geldoff and his journey and battle with alienation and emotional detachment. 

Lots of metaphors and stunning music and other deep stuff.  Njam.  And a grillerige scene where Pink shaves off his chest hair and eyebrows with one of those 1970s safety razors. 


Young Pink and Catatonic Pink

Parenting?
There are all sorts of themes that are part of the Good Enough Parent course embedded in The Wall. 

Pink’s father died in the war and being abandoned by his father, he longs for a father figure.  There you have the Abandonment lifetrap.

His mother is over protective as the lyrics from Mother say:  “She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing.” There you have the Dependency and maybe Defectiveness Lifetraps developing.

He writes poetry and his teacher shames him big time in class for his poems...Defectiveness/Shame and Mistrust lifetrap.  Pink becomes more and more emotionally detached and builds this metaphorical wall between him and others.  This is the avoidant coping style in action, baby! 

Avoidant Coping Style

People with the genetic disposition to cope with their pain/frustration at unmet need by avoiding really tell themselves that the pain of their unmet needs is too painful to face.  They then find ways of distracting themselves and “remove” the pain from their conscious awareness.  Every time an image, thought or memory regarding the lifetrap or unmet need is activated in their minds or lives, they distract themselves by being busy with something else.  Of course, some people end up having to distract themselves constantly.  This is why the avoidance coping tendency is very much alive where addictions are present...so much for that chocolate binge you were planning for later, hey?

Unfortunately the distributor is Warner, which means I don’t have copyright to use movie clips from The Wall during the Good Enough Parenting training.  Pity as it would have helped to illustrate avoidant coping in a brilliant manner.  Anyway, heard on Sky this morning that Waters and Gillmore will be reuniting for a The Wall performance.  Anyone feel like donating a ticket to a die-hard fan? 

If you're in the mood, you can read some more deep stuff into the lyrics to Mother, one of the songs from The Wall:

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like this song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for President?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Is it just a waste of time?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you
Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
Momma's will keep Baby cozy and warm
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, of course Momma's gonna help build the wall


Mother, do you think she's good enough
For me?
Mother, do you think she's dangerous
To me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
Momma won't let anyone dirty get through
Momma's gonna wait up until you get in
Momma will always find out where you've been
Momma's gonna keep Baby healthy and clean
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, you'll always be Baby to me


Mother, did it need to be so high?



Have Relationships You can be Proud of

Part 1:  Truth:  painful or not.

Relationships have this nasty way of exposing truths about ourselves that we were not aware of.  Often these truths are uncomfortable (if you’re lucky) and sometimes just plain painful to face. 

What makes a painful truth unpalatable?  I’ve been thinking about it the last week as relationships and circumstances made me see some uncomfortable truths about myself.  I’ve come to the place in my life where it is easier to be surprised by my failings.  Yet, when I least expect it, I learn something new about the way I relate and sometimes, I’m not pleased with how I’ve been doing the relationship thing.  From experience, we can experience truth as painful in two distinct yet different ways:

• You see the big picture: You suddenly see the pattern of how you’ve hurt your relationships; usually it was unintentional.  This is the hardest for me to digest in my own life:  I hate seeing people hurt, especially those I love deeply.  That I caused them hurt…ouch.  Not necessarily a bad thing to see the big picture.
• You see the distorted picture:  Through the years, you developed distorted pictures of the world, other people, relationships and yourself.  For example, you may belief that if you make a mistake you deserve to suffer severe consequences.  Sounds kooky, but most of us have similar unconscious distorted picture.  We call them lifetraps.  When a lifetrap gets triggered, the painful truth about yourself will be much more painful and harder to face than if a truth was not linked to a lifetrap.  Usually not a healthy way to face a painful truth about yourself.  In fact, not even a truth. 

For example:  you have a minor fender bender that is not your fault. 

With a punitiveness lifetrap, you will automatically furious and punish yourself and the person who caused the accident in a way that is way out of proportion to the actual incident.  You may think something like: “You stupid, you were not attentive enough and that’s why it happened!” - Even if you were adequately attentive.  You will do something that is in line with the distorted view you have of yourself, other people, relationships and the world in line with your lifetrap. This is because the punitiveness lifetrap refers to the belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  If you have this lifetrap, you will find it difficult to forgive mistakes in yourself or in others.  You probably find it hard to consider that making mistakes happened because of extenuating circumstances, or you don’t allow for human imperfection, or you may find it hard to empathise with the feelings of others.

If you do not have the punitive lifetrap, you would also be irritated and angry at the inconvenience.  The difference is that you will see the big picture, not the distorted picture.  Your emotions will be in balance with the situation.  It would be a healthier response. 

Coping Responses
There are different ways to respond to the distorted and painful revelations of lifetraps.  It depends on your genetic make-up and you probably have a dominant response, although these responses are also determined by the specific situation, person or lifetrap involved.  These responses are called coping responses. 

• Surrender

If you are a surrenderer, you give in to the message of the lifetrap.  Punitiveness lifetrap says you and others must be harshly punished for allowing the small accident to happen.  You feel depressed, anxious or angry and the feeling remains as you believe you are powerless to change the message of the lifetrap.

• Avoid

If you are an avoider, you find the painful message of the lifetrap too painful to tolerate.  Therefore you will find a way to distract yourself from the painful message of the lifetrap.  You will suppress the emotions that the lifetrap triggered.  You might avoid looking at the bump on your car because it will trigger the punitiveness lifetrap.  Maybe you avoid the discomfort of your punitiveness beliefs by some retail therapy, or a chocolate treat, or maybe some internet porn?  Either way, you will do your best to avoid thinking about the accident because of all the painful messages attached to it.

• Overcompensate

If you overcompensate, you will try your best to disprove the painful message of the lifetrap.   This response style is also called counterattacking, meaning that you counter the painful lifetrap message by attacking it.  If you are an overcompensator, you might scream at the driver of the other vehicle.  It is less painful to scream at others that to accept that you have to punished severely for making a mistake.  The tendency to blame others or make excuses in order to counterattack the lifetrap message about yourself is a hallmark of the overcompensator. 

Some truths about lifetraps and our responses to them:

1. Lifetraps are distorted pictures of reality;
2. Lifetraps are formed when our core needs were not met as we grew up;
3. Lifetraps can range from being very strong to relatively weak;
4. Strong lifetraps will be triggered more often and our responses to these lifetraps will be strong;
5. Lifetraps causes unhealthy responses to neutral situations;
6. Lifetraps make negating life and its challenges very hard;
7. Lifetraps usually causes unresolved conflict in relationships;
8. Lifetraps make you ask:  “Why do I behave the way I do?” and
9. Everyone has lifetraps. 

But there's plenty of hope
Let’s end on a positive note:  When understood, lifetraps can be weakened.  Its effect on your relationships can be minimised and you and your spouse, friends and children will grow much closer.  Relationships can be healthy, but only if lifetraps that cause dysfunctional patterns are faced. 

I want to change the world, Pinky, and I need YOUR help!

I’ve decided to start a business through which I can funnel all the plans I have for changing society (Ja like the Brain, I want to rule the world, Pinky).

Mainly I want to provide experiential training and workshops (not just head knowledge, eish) to people (parents and non-parents) on things like

• How to talk to your child: Helpful and unhelpful strategies;
• How to discuss parenting issues with your spouse;
• How to play with your child to encourage emotional development;
• How to play with your child to encourage emotional development;
• Managing boundaries with grandparents;
• Explore our world with your child;
• How to enter your child’s world through play;
• Emotional Connectedness: How to and How to NOT;
• Showing empathy to your spouse;
• Anger, Forgiveness and Reconciliation;
• Changing your parenting style;
• The Dreaded D: Age-appropriate, child-specific discipline methods; 
• Core-need specific workshops;
• Why DO I behave the way I do?
• “Reality Testing”: choice of marriage partners for singles;
• “What People Never Tell You about parenthood” parenting preparation; and
• Understanding your child’s temperament.

Obviously this is a long-term vision but the plan is to

  

• Stay with small groups,
• Keep the learning fun but meaningful,
• Make it experiential,
• Include movie therapy along with other training aids,
• Make it cost-effective for people to attend;
• Keep each training session short and shweet; and
• Focus on the concept of togetherness.

Togetherness is the feeling of being close to another person emotionally and physically. It is an emotion which cannot be defined outside of its context, and the reality of such a term is not "knowledge." It is well symbolized by the gesture of holding both hands up, slightly cupped with palms facing each other, and moving them together to create a circle. The other symbol is also when two arms hold each other at the wrist. (Wikipedia). Dibanisa, by the way, is a Xhosa word meaning “to join, connect, combine”.

So, I’ve been pondering on the name for the business, as my poor friends who receive sms’ late night with ideas; Kudos for them as they mostly respond with honest yet kind comments to less than palatable ideas. The idea is the name is meaningful in the SA context but also conveys my idealist dream for this vehicle:

• To be the bevelled mirror that reflects God’s character to the world (thank you N.T.Wright for this wonderful metaphor);
• To bring a bit of the age to come into the present age through building relational connections;
• To prevent the formation of lifetraps in our children; and
• Make some sort of living for myself (I’ve given up the dream to be rich in favour of the desire to be content whether in want or in plenty).

So, I need your help in deciding on a name for this business.  I’ve created a poll to the left of this post, so PLEASE VOTE.  Add comments at the end of the post if you have more suggestions – I’m super open to name ideas. 

Some Pinky and the Brain quotes for other Brain maniacs:

Pinky has kicked him into the cage bars while doing his Russian dance

P: Gee, Brain, what are you doing over there?

B: Pondering your afterlife, Pinky.

(My favourite now...)

B: Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed.

P: I'll try.

To Pinky, while on stilts

B: If I could reach you, I would hurt you.

From "When Mice Ruled the Earth"B: Some mice have more evolving to do than others.

From "The Helpinky Formula"
B: Remember, I'm not just the president of the Small Club for Men, I'm also a mouse planning world domination.

Introducing himself to TV land
B: And I am the Iconoclast, an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer... [whacked on head] but you may call me Noodle Noggin.

P: Egad! You astound me, Brain!
B: That's a simple task, Pinky.

From the end of "Brain's Night Off," after a series of unsuccessful entertainment tripsB: Come, Pinky. We must return to the lab to prepare for tomorrow night.

P: Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
B: The only thing I know how to have any fun doing. Trying to take over the world!