tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76598131913221764122024-03-25T15:58:21.771+02:00Project Connect-a-GainConnect Again...Connect and Gain...Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-48514047526899124142011-11-14T19:27:00.001+02:002011-11-14T20:18:59.681+02:00Burnout: The thin line between selfish and selfless<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-woEbDlk3bvg/TsFYKSUwRrI/AAAAAAAAAnk/onw1Cm5xZ1I/s1600/selfsacr2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-woEbDlk3bvg/TsFYKSUwRrI/AAAAAAAAAnk/onw1Cm5xZ1I/s400/selfsacr2.JPG" width="356" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eh, according to me you have burnout. Cough-cough. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I've been hearing the term "burnout" quite often lately and it made me think about why there are certain types or classes of people who tend to burn out emotionally. It's sometimes called compassion fatigue because it often people in helping professions are at risk. Also people in ministry. Amazingly, I've found that many Christians can suffer this burnout. Why do some people drive themselves to be giving to the point of collapse? <br />
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I think it can start when people believe that their needs aren't important, especially when it interferes with the needs of others. Mainstream Christianity does have this vague message about being selfless that starkly contrasts with being selfish. Where being selfless switches into being selfish, however, is often not a clear place and I think that is where some people stumble into giving to the point of exhaustion. <br />
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Maybe you're someone that gets to the point where you are emotionally, mentally and spiritually totally exhausted with nothing left to give. Was one of your primary caregivers someone who was known for hospitality, looking after the less privileged or was in a helping profession? Did this model to you that other people's needs are more important than your own needs? I'm not saying your needs always have to come first, but do you even connect with your own needs - emotionally, spiritually and even physically? Some more questions:<br />
<ul>
<li>Did you learn from your primary caregivers that your needs are too "much"? </li>
<li>Were you repeatedly told that you're too emotional or that you were selfish when you wanted attention? </li>
<li>Were you expected to be very empathetic to your father/mother in order to be tolerated? </li>
<li>Were you expected to parent your parent/s? Maybe you had a depressed parent or a parent that had a serious addiction to alcohol or drugs? You had to take care of them or your siblings because your parent couldn't. </li>
</ul>
This is by no means an exhaustive list of possible reasons why you might get to the point of extreme compassion fatigue at times, but it sketches the outline of a person who grew up that their needs are not important enough to give attention to. A person trained this way often gravitates to <a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/06/is-your-relationship-based-on-bad.html">relationships</a> where this pattern is perpetuated. So, you might be married to an alcoholic or a person who tends to frown when you show strong emotions or needs that only your partner can supply. Or you find yourself in the endless sympathy marathon of having friends that suck you dry but ignore you when they are fine.<br />
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Whatever your pattern, you can only break it if you take a moment and think about your needs. Again, it doesn't mean that your needs should always come first, but it does mean that your needs are important also. Do you know what you need or have you suppressed it so much that you don't even know what to ask for from your friends, your partner, your children... <br />
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Some hints: Next time you feel strong emotions or are experiencing conflict with a significant person, ask yourself: "What do I need right now?" Do you need to be understood? Or listened to? Or appreciated? Or hugged? Or held? Or accepted? Or validated? Communicate that to someone in a gentle manner and you'll be surprised how much you'll learn about yourself and your relationships.<br />
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<br />Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-52268472670409028792011-10-07T10:48:00.001+02:002011-10-07T10:49:03.719+02:00See the shapes in clouds again.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Creativity is inventing, experimenting,
growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun."<br />
Mary Lou Cook</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y0HfJos9pNk/To675BFAQqI/AAAAAAAAARs/cj0dY00dQoY/s1600/cloud-shapes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y0HfJos9pNk/To675BFAQqI/AAAAAAAAARs/cj0dY00dQoY/s320/cloud-shapes.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Do
you believe you are <i>not </i>creative? Well,
join the crowd. Most people believe they
are not creative because they can’t draw anything more advanced than a stick
man. The truth is that every child is
born with the ability to be creative.
The average child thinks of 60 alternatives for any given
situation. The average adult thinks of
6. It’s a sad fact that we unlearn our
creativity as we grow older. We learn more inhibitions. We ask fewer questions. We work more and explore less. We stop seeing shapes in clouds. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>So,
what is creativity?</b><b> </b> According to
Webster’s Dictionary, it is the ability to create something new through one’s
imagination. That means the result of creativity does not
have to be a beautiful melody or painting.
It can be a new way of ironing the shirts or mowing the lawn! Psychological studies have shown that
intelligence and creativity are not necessarily related. A highly intelligent person may therefore not
be very creative. Now for the million
dollar question: How can I recapture my
unlearned creativity? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here are some
suggestions:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Expose yourself to beautiful music</b>.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> It has been shown that the music of Mozart
and Bach increase creative power through changing the brain waves of
listeners. Music also harmonises the
interaction between the left and right hemispheres of the brain, thereby
allowing for creativity to flourish!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Expose yourself to visual and performing
art</b>.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Allow your imagination to stretch beyond its
usual horizon. Develop your eye for
colour, proportion and balance in art.
Delight in the creativity of opera or theatre. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Expose yourself to different cultures.</b> If you do not have the money to travel to
far-away places, experiment with cooking dishes from other cultures. Have a Japanese evening with your friends
where each friend brings a dish from Japan.
To increase the creative experience, dress up in clothes from the
Japan. Create a kimono from your
bathrobe. Learn a few Japanese
words. Try out the sake and sushi! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Get in touch with your inner child
again.</b> Look at issues in life and
ask: “How would I look at this situation
if I was six years old?” Observe
children in a park and see how they play with wild abandon! Invite some
spontaneity back into your life by playing uninhibited games. Have a shaving cream fight with your
significant other or flatmate! How about
blowing bubbles from your balcony?
Indulge in some messy finger painting.
Shake your booty, dancing wildly to some 80s music. Skip to the kitchen. Laugh from your stomach!
Just have fun without being inhibited about what other people might think of
you.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Explore your dreams</b>.
Imagine. If you had no restrictions, what would you be doing now? Diving off a yacht in Greece ala Shirley
Valentine? Pursuing your dream job? Learning a new skill or craft? Leave the dirty dishes in the sink
overnight? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Give yourself <b>permission </b>to act and
think creatively and see where it takes you.
After all, much of our modern world is the result of the creativity of
people: Thomas Alfa Edison imagined electric
light bulbs and Henry Ford created motor vehicles. Steve Jobs imagined all the i-products. Imagine what your creativity can produce in
your life. </span><b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br />Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-89063940381117428122011-08-30T09:46:00.000+02:002011-08-30T09:46:15.479+02:00Improve your health by...forgiving someone!<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Costs to unforgiveness</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">However, scientific studies have also suggested that, in addition to spiritual benefits, forgiveness also has physical and mental benefits. So, what happens when we hold on to resentment, anger and bitterness? We can develop muscle tension leading to neck-, back- and limb pain, headaches, indigestion, high blood pressure and lead to teeth-grinding at night. Because our feelings and our body chemistry is closely related, our immune system is less likely to function well, increasing our bodies’ vulnerability to disease. </span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gEYHe6sHr4k/TlyT1kDd0QI/AAAAAAAAAOg/y2hQ8X_FD0c/s1600/forgive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gEYHe6sHr4k/TlyT1kDd0QI/AAAAAAAAAOg/y2hQ8X_FD0c/s320/forgive.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Forgiveness myth </b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">How, then, should we approach forgiveness? One of the most powerful myths regarding forgiveness is that forgiveness means you have to forget that you were hurt by another person. This is not true. One can forgive a person without excusing, minimising or justifying the act. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that the offense will be treated as acceptable behaviour in the future. It is also important to remember that forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">How2</span></span> </b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">How do we then forgive? The first step is to acknowledge the negative feelings and events that caused the hurt. Sometimes people rush into premature forgiveness to avoid examining these very painful emotions. How do you know if you’ve rushed the forgiveness process? When you still feel the painful emotions associated with the event in the absence of peace and freedom that results from letting go. The second step is to recognise that you have to move away from the victim-role. Forgiving the other person is your responsibility. It often takes time, hard work and the recognition that your forgiveness can’t be reliant on the other person’s response. The other person may never acknowledge how you’ve been hurt or ask for forgiveness. The third step is to understand how holding on to hurts is influencing your health, thoughts and relationships. Acknowledging this often provides the motivation necessary to commit to the forgiveness process. For example, ask yourself: Do I define my life by how I’ve been hurt? Do I wake up at night thinking how others have hurt me? Do I run conversations in my head in which I win the argument? Do past hurts prevent me from trusting others? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GYX2D317H4Q/TlyT-Z_lz5I/AAAAAAAAAOk/rsDs4ELHzP4/s1600/forgiveness.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GYX2D317H4Q/TlyT-Z_lz5I/AAAAAAAAAOk/rsDs4ELHzP4/s320/forgiveness.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Benefits</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you still are not convinced that forgiveness have plenty of benefits, consider this: Forgiveness can help you focus on the positive parts of your life, even if the scars of hurts remain. Forgiveness can help you grow in compassion, empathy and understanding in relationships, thereby improving your relationships. Less stress and hostility can lower your blood pressure, relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety and improve psychological and spiritual well-being. So, what are you waiting for? Improve your health – forgive someone today!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Note: In some situations, forgiveness is a more complex process and difficult to complete without support. This is true when someone, for example, suffered abuse or were the victim of a crime. Enlisting the support of a counsellor or psychologist might then be the most effective way of going about the forgiveness process. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</span></span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-60760641404203300672011-08-01T12:19:00.000+02:002011-08-01T12:19:03.127+02:00John Lennon says: Love means saying you're sorry every fifteen minutes<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s0L1zGgKdMk/TjZ7HgDOp3I/AAAAAAAAAOQ/8JgjYSdUT_A/s1600/apology+love+story.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s0L1zGgKdMk/TjZ7HgDOp3I/AAAAAAAAAOQ/8JgjYSdUT_A/s200/apology+love+story.jpg" width="135" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Love means never having to say you're sorry. This is a line from the novel and movie Love Story. Total nonsense. Love means that you never stop apologising! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Apology vs Anger-layers</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I agree with what John Lennon said: "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes." </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Nobody's perfect and we really hurt someone close to us at least once a day. Whether its unintentional or intentional doesn't matter: we hurt one another. Undealt with, these hurts can build up to become solid anger-layers inside us. This post is not about these layers. It's about building the habit of heartfelt apologies and how apologies refresh and build humble, cooperative relationships. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4lRCFEcp6OI/TjZ7I6whtrI/AAAAAAAAAOU/IoCRcTPNWfs/s1600/apology2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4lRCFEcp6OI/TjZ7I6whtrI/AAAAAAAAAOU/IoCRcTPNWfs/s320/apology2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">A heartfelt apology says: I acknowledge that I violated something about you - your beliefs, values, dignity; something you care about. A heartfelt apology doesn't have to be heavy but it has to be honest, humble and truly about reconciliation. Anyone can see a trite apology a mile off and all it does is solidify the anger of the offended party, thereby increasing the relationship rift.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Be like little children</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">One can see this so well in sibling-relationships in children. Sibs sometimes come close to murder but a real apology quickly restores harmony. But let one just give a dishonest "sorry"...the other one is usually quick to protest the plastic apology and the previous conflict just resumes where it was left off! It takes time to help children work through real conflict and help them to reach real resolution and forgiveness, but it always warms my heart to see how quickly a real sorry fix their relationship. Doesn't mean they won't be moving on to murder pretty quickly, but it usually is because of new issues.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F713O4d60Sw/TjZ7JySEIQI/AAAAAAAAAOY/zRVIeuz9uW0/s1600/apology3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F713O4d60Sw/TjZ7JySEIQI/AAAAAAAAAOY/zRVIeuz9uW0/s320/apology3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">As adults, we have the responsiblity to teach our children how to apologise. The most powerful way is by modelling it to them. The question then is: How often do you apologise to them for making mistakes with them? For yelling at them. Or not sharing your chocolate with them or fighting with their other parent in front of them. For swearing in traffic. For making their brother or sister cry. For losing your patience. For all the things you expect of them but not doing yourself. Children are not stupid. They are able to see when your walk and your talk doesn't match up. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Apologies prevent shame lifetraps</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The thing about not apologising is that it hurts your children. They have a core need to know true boundaries, true pictures of themself. If you hurt them but don't apologise, they think they've been treated unfairly because there must be something wrong with them. That is called <b>shame </b>and is one of the most destructive lifetraps that a person can develop. From about the age of 8, they start to realise its not all them and they start to mistrust you and everything you try to teach them. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Just be good enough</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I know it is hard to be a parent - so much that sucks you dry. Nobody expects you to be perfect, just be good enough. That means that you do the most good you can in a day and make sure it is more than the "bad". And you apologise for the "bad". Apologising helps your child to see it's not their bad that makes you upset. That you had a choice to act in an upbuilding way and you chose not to. Also that you chose to take responsiblity for your bad choices and that you are willing to humble yourself to restore the relationship. That the relationship with them is more important than your own ego or your need to feel OK about yourself. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Every time I've apologised to a child for my own unfair behaviour or words, I've been floored by their willingness to forgive. And how refreshing it was to be forgiven by their pure little hearts. I've even gone as far as phoning my nieces at night if I think back over the day and realise that I did something unfair or that I did something that I expect them NOT to do. It's humbling but it is also great to hear how happy they are that I've made the effort. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Be adult about it...</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-At-LZxxIQkw/TjZ7E4oWHLI/AAAAAAAAAOM/i2M5Axh2QfE/s1600/apology.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-At-LZxxIQkw/TjZ7E4oWHLI/AAAAAAAAAOM/i2M5Axh2QfE/s320/apology.jpg" width="277" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Of course, these same things apply to adult relationships as well. Unfortunately, apologies between adults are not as simple. But it has exactly the same effect: it restores peace and reconnects people. We are made for deep connections and apologies are important ways to deepen connections. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">There are stacks of websites that will give you apology how2's and it bores me to rehash stuff that's already out there. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">However, knowing your own apology language and that of your significant others will probably help the process. I did this online <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/personal-profiles/apology/">assessment </a>and I learnt that apologies that focussed on accepting responsiblity are most meaningful to me:</span><br />
<blockquote><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i>You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.</i></span></blockquote><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I will ask others to take this questionnaire so I can also apologise to them in ways they find meaningful. I don't apologise enough and I will make an effort to do so more. <b>Real love means that you will say sorry frequently. </b></span>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-79736553648652728112011-07-30T15:54:00.000+02:002011-07-30T15:54:59.573+02:00Do you make your child feel loved?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Our society is a strange beast. We are supposed to be more advanced, more knowledgeable, more everthing than in the past. We definitely live more rushed, busy lives than in the past, that's for sure. What surprises me, however, is that we are not necessarily advancing in the strengths of our relationships. In fact, we are probably regressing in this area of our lives...I'm painting with a broad brush here, I know. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What I do know is that our advanced lives mean that there is a lot of things that interfere with relationship building. It is easy to consider watching TV together as spending good time. We all know this is mostly not true. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Quality? Quantity?</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I've realised also with my nephew and nieces that the whole quality instead of quantity time is probably not true either. Children need both quantity and quality! I stood in a line to pay at some shop yesterday and saw a child trying to get the attention of her mother. She finally took hold of her mother's chin in an attempt to turn her mother's face towards her. It made me think of how important eye-time is to children. To know that they are seen and known. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>The mirror-face</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Children get to know themselves throught the faces of their caregivers. They experience the expressions on their caregivers' faces as a reflection of them! If your face lights up each time you see your child, they learn they have value and worth. If you show discomfort when they cry, they deduce that their emotion is uncomfortable to others. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Am I valuable? </b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Children will learn from your priorities whether they are worthwhile, valuable, fun to be with. If you are always too busy or distracted to give your child one-on-one time, they believe that other things are more important and interesting to you than they are. On the other hand, children should also learn that they are not the centre of your universe. They need to understand how the "real world" works and that they can also meet some of their own needs. I think for example of the ability to self-soothe appropriately and how important this skill is for emotional maturity. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Be consistent, be good-enough</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Bringing up children is not for the weak-hearted. Unfortunately, so many hurt people in our world are the result of parents who did not take to heart the wonderful responsiblity they took on when they conceived a child. Fortunately, there are many more parents who dedicate most of their emotional and physical energy to bringing up their children. If you have read this far, you probably are one of the latter type. I just want to remind you that you will never be a perfect parent and you will make many mistakes with your children. That is okay, as long as you try to be as consistent as you can be with the supportive, healthy behaviours. Be a good-enough parent will be enough. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Love languages</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I came across great <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/">assessments</a> for the five love languages. This site includes an assessment that can be completed by children from about age 5 and teens. I think these assessments can be done by everyone in the family and could create good dinner time conversations. Maybe even star charts with everyone's top love languages to encourage showing love in the ways it will mean the most to the receiver. This will also build emotional maturity in children by teaching them how people differ from themselves. Will also build the concept of reciprocity in relationships and appropriate other-focussedness. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Affirm me, baby!</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So, how about it? Btw, I did the assessment and apparently Words of Affirmation is my primary love language. Interesting how I've changed because the last time I did this, it was Physical Touch. So, probably worth doing this assessment every few years. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Enjoy building love-language families and showing your children that they are valuable and worth making an effort for in the language they understand best! </span><br />
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</div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-9935479603369332612011-07-26T17:02:00.000+02:002011-11-14T20:09:51.694+02:00Are you in a self-defeating relationship?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Previously I’ve posted about<a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/06/is-your-relationship-based-on-bad.html"> bad relationship chemistry</a> and how we tend to gravitate towards negative relationship patterns because we love the familiar, even if it’s unhealthy! Often, we believe we deserve the unhealthy because of our own lifetraps. A lifetrap is like a pair of glasses through which we see a distorted view of the world. But because we’ve always had this pair of glasses, we think our distorted view is how things really are. This distorted view relates to how we look at ourselves, how we perceive others and relationships and the world as a whole. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">For example: Betty grew up in a home where her dad loved her but never showed it. He was a quiet man who mostly tinkered in his workshop or read his newspaper. When she tried to get his attention, he would get irritated with her. Betty’s lifetrap glasses could make her world look like this:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Self: I’m boring and not interesting enough to get attention from men. My emotional needs are irritating. I’m likely to be rejected if I make my needs known.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Others/relationships: I can’t expect other’s to want to meet my emotional needs. I should not bother others with my needs.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 16pt;">·<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The world: Rejecting; cold. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Betty therefore believes there is something wrong with her because she was not enough to warrant attention from her dad. Her needs are not as important as her father’s needs and she believes that if she asks for emotional needs to be met, she will be rejected. This then just confirms that there is something wrong with her. She has learnt that love means that your emotional needs are not as important as what the other person wants. Asking for emotional nurturance or guidance will mean you will probably be rejected as if you’re irritating. This lifetrap tells her that this must mean that there is something wrong with her needs and emotions...and with her as a person. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">These are the lifetraps of Emotional Deprivation and Shame/Defectiveness. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How does this influence the type of relationships Betty gets involved in? You’ve probably guessed. Because she thinks her emotional needs are less important than those of others, she suppresses her needs. She gets attracted to strong, quiet men, just like her dad. They make her feel safe, because they’re not emotional or insecure. However, they also don’t like it when she gets “uncontrolled” and emotional. They tell her she is “needy” when she wants emotional reassurance or nurturance, just like her dad did. They sometimes look at her like she’s crazy when she expresses strong needs or emotions – just like her dad. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Betty has fallen into a relationship pattern of lifetrap chemistry. She believes her emotional needs are not valid and therefore she is attracted to men who treat her in a way that confirms her beliefs; men who are rejecting of emotional needs and emotionally distant like her dad. To avoid being rejected she suppresses her needs and emotions and focuses on being sensitive to his needs, maybe in the hope that if she’s giving enough he will return the favour. Of course, he has his own lifetraps and he never learns from her. The more emotionally demanding she becomes, the more rejecting he becomes. This dynamic confirms all her beliefs: I’m not allowed to have needs. My needs are not OK. I will be rejected by others if I’m real and vulnerable. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It really is a vicious circle.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is interesting, however, how much sexual chemistry is involved when there are really toxic lifetrap chemistry going on. Nowadays, being attracted to a partner or having sexual chemistry seems to be a deciding factor with partner selection. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, this chemistry is often based on lifetrap chemistry. Bad chemistry that will create more trouble than it’s worth. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is my pet cringe: new very-much-in-love couples who radiate lifetrap chemistry. I feel like the prophet of doom when I recognise it and I usually keep quiet. But it doesn’t feel great when I later see the emotional turmoil involved in this relationship. Painful, actually because I know that it can be prevented or resolved. Either way requires confronting the self and taking responsibility for your own beliefs and actions. That’s also difficult, which is why most people choose to carry on with the familiar pattern. Better the devil you know, hey? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Do you have a pattern of lifetrap chemistry relationships? What has been the effect on your life? What beliefs about yourself and relationships drives these bad chemistry relationships? </span></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1uI-UA7i-w0/Ti7WY1I5_mI/AAAAAAAAANs/DhQdryJGRjI/s1600/9965_1240551669590_320_320.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1uI-UA7i-w0/Ti7WY1I5_mI/AAAAAAAAANs/DhQdryJGRjI/s1600/9965_1240551669590_320_320.jpg" t$="true" /></a></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-60060572155025662522011-07-21T20:41:00.000+02:002011-07-21T20:41:38.928+02:00Two ways lack of limits can harm a child<p$1><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I've been interacting with a few children whose parents don't really<br />
know how to set boundaries with them. What I find interesting is that the<br />
parents of these kids think they're doing what's best for their children.<br />
They really love them and want what's best for them. I totally believe<br />
that. Yet, I see how the lack of boundaries affects their children. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xeMXjnHpBpo/TihydkRLE9I/AAAAAAAAANk/I_qC1H0_RxI/s1600/article-1116602-030EFF8D000005DC-57_468x414.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="283" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xeMXjnHpBpo/TihydkRLE9I/AAAAAAAAANk/I_qC1H0_RxI/s320/article-1116602-030EFF8D000005DC-57_468x414.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Often I see that the parents feels <strong>sorry</strong> for their children. The family<br />
has been through some really hard things and the parents feel guilty because<br />
the children were affected. However, children often "act out"<br />
when they experienced change or trauma. They show they are upset by maybe throwing tantrums or breaking things or wetting their bed.<span> </span>But as the parents feel so sorry for their child, they think correcting negative behaviour will hurt the child even more.<span> </span>So, on and on this dynamic<br />
go.<span> </span>Child asks for guidance and help by acting out, parent don’t give guidance and boundaries because child is acting out.<span> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I always try to explain to children in therapy why they get angry when they are afraid. <span> </span>It is an attachment behaviour to cry or get angry (depending on the child’s temperament) when a child feels threatened.<span> </span>When a parent feels too sorry for their child to correct him or her, the child learns that their<br />
attachment behaviour won’t get helpful results. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">It can result in two types of behaviours from the child:<span> </span>a child that withdraws and stops asking for helpful guidance from humans (“I can’t trust you to fulfil my need for guidance so I’ll not depend on you anymore); or a child that becomes clingy and resentful at the same time (I want guidance from you but I’m afraid you won’t get it from you so I get angry at you.<span> </span>But by getting angry, you might not give me guidance so I must cling to you). </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Lots of other websites and books give ideas on how to set good boundaries.<span> </span>I’d rather ask you to be sober minded and ask yourself whether you recognise your child’s attachment seeking behaviours.<span> </span>It will be different for each one of your children, just to make it even easier to be a good-enough parent!<span> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Do you have a child that gets angry at a sign they need guidance and limits?<span> </span>Or does your child withdraw, or get sad.<span> </span>Or show signs of separation anxiety beyond what are considered appropriate for their age?<span> </span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7Q2Y-1sBYI/TihycnaKVjI/AAAAAAAAANg/EbOMQLN096Y/s1600/angry-child.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7Q2Y-1sBYI/TihycnaKVjI/AAAAAAAAANg/EbOMQLN096Y/s200/angry-child.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Attachment behaviours are not bad...it’s how your child will survive.<span> </span>But it is up to you to recognise attachment behaviours for what it is:<span> </span>a need for you to fill their core need for stable, predictable boundaries and limits and good guidance. </span></div></p$1>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-22777004087005427102011-07-09T18:05:00.000+02:002011-07-09T18:05:51.039+02:00Stunning parent fail<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I should have expected that I would probably get more examples of ways in which parents fail their children’s core need to be safe from harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I previously said, this often is the result of ignorance and poor parental training.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, however, I find it hard to understand what makes parents do/not do what seems quite logical to me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sad truth is that often children are regarded as objects by parent/s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not little human beings who require an incredible amount of attention, patience, thought, patience, resilience, patience, wisdom, patience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did I mention patience? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Here are some more reasons why parenting skills <strong>should</strong> become a part of any school programme:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><strong>Georgia Man Sentenced for Tattooing Toddler </strong><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/rome-georgia-man-eugene-ashley-sentenced-tattooing-son/story?id=13300828"><strong>Son</strong></a><strong>.</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Eugene "Stonner" Ashley, 26, pleaded guilty Monday to giving his 3-year-old son a tattoo on his shoulder in 2009 that said "DB" -- short for "Daddy's Boy." Ashley pleaded guilty before the case could be heard by a jury.” He only got a $300 fine! Apparently both parents are addicted to drugs, which does explains why it seemed like a good idea at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mother sounds like she might have chosen her husband’s wellbeing over her child’s:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The boy's mother, Amy Ashley, was not cooperative and refused to testify. She tried to hide it. She put fake tattoos over it to try and hide it," Hawkins said.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><strong>Ore. woman faces charges in home </strong><a href="http://www.komonews.com/news/local/119482484.html"><strong>circumcision</strong></a> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“A mother of four “...accused of attempting to circumcise her baby at home using a box cutter and a pair of pliers faces assault and criminal mistreatment charges.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the crazy part:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“she decided to circumcise her baby at home after reading the Bible. She said she watched some YouTube videos about circumcisions before making the attempt in October, according to The Oregonian.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby suffered 2 hours of uncontrolled bleeding before the woman called 911!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is this not absolutely crazy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortunately she didn’t amputate something essential like often happens in South African initiation schools. </span></div><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><strong><span style="color: black;"> </span></strong></span><a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/117968/daughter_dad_reunite_make_baby?utm_medium=sm&utm_source=facebook&utm_content=thestir_fanpage"><strong><span style="color: black;">Daughter & Dad Reunite, Make Baby</span></strong></a><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Last year, Penny Lawrence, 28, set out to find her birth father whom she had never met. From her home in Ireland, she was able to track Garry Ryan, 46, down in Texas. They met, connected ... and then connected a little too much. She's now pregnant with his baby.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Yuck. The father excuses it by saying that they never had a father-daughter bond so it's not like "real" incest. Yuck. How is this not exploiting a woman with an obvious emotional need for her father? I have, unfortunately, heard of other cases where birth parents do these type of exploitative things with their newly found children. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><strong>10-Year-Old Babysitter Arrested for Child Abuse: What's Wrong With This </strong><a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/big_kid/106127/10yearold_babysitter_arrested_for_child"><strong>Picture</strong></a><strong>? </strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“A 10-year-old babysitter was arrested for child abuse this week.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not as disturbed by this headline as I probably should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Africa, bringing up children is mostly the responsibility of their older siblings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In South Africa, there are thousands of child-headed households due to AIDS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I think got me was that in the supposedly 1<sup>st</sup> world (I assume Wisconsin, USA can be regarded thus?), a 10-year old could abuse this child over a period of WEEKS! Did the parents not realise the child is being hurt?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe this is a case of ignorance more than negligence, but eish man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Here are some more disturbing pictures:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: left;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g6y63-T4XGs/Thhy5WXLN3I/AAAAAAAAAM8/VwbAojuvcP8/s1600/bad+parenting+ee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" m$="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g6y63-T4XGs/Thhy5WXLN3I/AAAAAAAAAM8/VwbAojuvcP8/s320/bad+parenting+ee.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NDwUAqlxrqI/Thhy87R6U-I/AAAAAAAAANA/djQOEXaC4y4/s1600/bad+parenting+fotoshp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NDwUAqlxrqI/Thhy87R6U-I/AAAAAAAAANA/djQOEXaC4y4/s320/bad+parenting+fotoshp.jpg" width="220" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Think this is photoshopped </td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D-lUafvUFyE/ThhzBEAfBBI/AAAAAAAAANE/0mufFbo2G0E/s1600/bad+parenting+goth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D-lUafvUFyE/ThhzBEAfBBI/AAAAAAAAANE/0mufFbo2G0E/s320/bad+parenting+goth.jpg" width="236" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vgTZS_Z04_A/ThhzFxrTqPI/AAAAAAAAANI/R6F3paTUhOQ/s1600/bad+parenting+plastic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vgTZS_Z04_A/ThhzFxrTqPI/AAAAAAAAANI/R6F3paTUhOQ/s320/bad+parenting+plastic.jpg" width="285" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xk0xK-ysNk8/ThhzIE1sd6I/AAAAAAAAANM/QTBDMc3bwQk/s1600/bad+parenting+shame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xk0xK-ysNk8/ThhzIE1sd6I/AAAAAAAAANM/QTBDMc3bwQk/s320/bad+parenting+shame.jpg" width="310" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pk5Ua1Tx3EU/ThhzKVVjXhI/AAAAAAAAANQ/_My5Tetyh2c/s1600/bad+parenting+snake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" m$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pk5Ua1Tx3EU/ThhzKVVjXhI/AAAAAAAAANQ/_My5Tetyh2c/s320/bad+parenting+snake.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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Hard to read, but apparently these two boys destroyed the bathtub. My question: where were the parents while they were busy with the demolision job? Andy why so much aggression? Maybe because the parents are too punitive? <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ar3Dgh8GeZM/ThhzPO55vpI/AAAAAAAAANU/9q_OBcinu0w/s1600/bad+parenting+sorry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="130" m$="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ar3Dgh8GeZM/ThhzPO55vpI/AAAAAAAAANU/9q_OBcinu0w/s320/bad+parenting+sorry.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ej26r_q1J5Y/ThhzWDTDyZI/AAAAAAAAANY/lNF2nGHkTBU/s1600/bad-parenting-breast-implant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="260" m$="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ej26r_q1J5Y/ThhzWDTDyZI/AAAAAAAAANY/lNF2nGHkTBU/s320/bad-parenting-breast-implant.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6Jm8LV1Mb-M/ThhzZ8TX0MI/AAAAAAAAANc/3ve4in5E_V8/s1600/bad-parenting-parenting-blowup-doll-baby-demotivational-poster-1264982969.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="285" m$="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6Jm8LV1Mb-M/ThhzZ8TX0MI/AAAAAAAAANc/3ve4in5E_V8/s320/bad-parenting-parenting-blowup-doll-baby-demotivational-poster-1264982969.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div>And a cute one. The baby ducks were rescued and all survived. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ADHBsWz3Ngo/Thhy2-BW91I/AAAAAAAAAM4/XN_UZrQLa7s/s1600/bad+parenting+again.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ADHBsWz3Ngo/Thhy2-BW91I/AAAAAAAAAM4/XN_UZrQLa7s/s320/bad+parenting+again.jpg" width="145" /></a></div><br />
I would like to know what emotions you felt when you saw these pictures. Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-11619601626598126522011-07-07T18:30:00.000+02:002011-07-07T18:30:47.464+02:00Project Connect-a-Gain: How NOT to protect your child from harm: Illustrat...<a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-not-to-protect-your-child-from-harm.html?spref=bl">Project Connect-a-Gain: How NOT to protect your child from harm: Illustrat...</a>: "Read another bloglady’s rant about how girl-children and their parents are subtly being influenced to dress little girls like tarts. I tot..."Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-69270698627440475972011-07-07T18:24:00.000+02:002011-07-07T18:24:12.717+02:00How NOT to protect your child from harm: Illustrations included<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Read another bloglady’s rant about how girl-children and their parents are subtly being influenced to dress little girls like tarts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I totally agree with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend commented on Facebook that his 3-year old saw Beyonce jiggling away on TV and said:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She’s got no pants on.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He further commented:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“</span><span class="messagebody2"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN;">maybe my 3 year old should explain to her that singing about girl dignity without clothes is kinda stupid” </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Subtle does it</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">We’re often not aware enough of these subtle messages we are being bombarded with via the media and fashion buyers!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(A little side-rant:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m now in that dark fashion space where clothes in South African shops are either for young adults or for old ladies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flippen nothing in-between! Choice:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mutton dressed as lamb or frumpy aunty. Gmf.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I digress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Seeing is believing!</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2011/07/04/are-we-sexualising-our-kids/">ReluctantMom</a> posted some pictures of examples of how girl-children are being made familiar with “tart-roles”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt really sad at some of the pictures as I don’t think any parent really plan to do their children harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often it is ignorance, lack of training or just stupidity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, there are more long-term effects to a lack of knowledge or training. Here are more pics I found on-line of parents who make stupid choices with regards to protecting their children from harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm uncomfortable with posting some of these pictures here because of the obvious lack of respect for women and the emotional safety of children, but here goes... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mRcJaUr6T1Y/ThXbcKLSuqI/AAAAAAAAAMY/qhKNwg1AdEs/s1600/bad_parents_10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mRcJaUr6T1Y/ThXbcKLSuqI/AAAAAAAAAMY/qhKNwg1AdEs/s320/bad_parents_10.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TTInGAnROdk/ThXbk41t30I/AAAAAAAAAMc/zdSNSfD7rGk/s1600/bad-parenting-29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TTInGAnROdk/ThXbk41t30I/AAAAAAAAAMc/zdSNSfD7rGk/s320/bad-parenting-29.jpg" width="309" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-riMB-f8yb6k/ThXbnCJOk1I/AAAAAAAAAMg/Cz98-BWev7Y/s1600/examples-of-bad-parenting01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-riMB-f8yb6k/ThXbnCJOk1I/AAAAAAAAAMg/Cz98-BWev7Y/s320/examples-of-bad-parenting01.jpg" width="283" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GNdPWSUt8fE/ThXcbD18EQI/AAAAAAAAAMs/hdad_KNLVh8/s1600/bad_parenting_6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="184" m$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GNdPWSUt8fE/ThXcbD18EQI/AAAAAAAAAMs/hdad_KNLVh8/s320/bad_parenting_6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VrE5JKWd-QU/ThXceq8yiQI/AAAAAAAAAMw/xH2Vc5BFC78/s1600/badparenting-fail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" m$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VrE5JKWd-QU/ThXceq8yiQI/AAAAAAAAAMw/xH2Vc5BFC78/s400/badparenting-fail.jpg" width="351" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LCTxAHvouEY/ThXciNXWNQI/AAAAAAAAAM0/S6hnnYx6Wfo/s1600/examples-of-bad-parenting08.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" m$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LCTxAHvouEY/ThXciNXWNQI/AAAAAAAAAM0/S6hnnYx6Wfo/s320/examples-of-bad-parenting08.jpg" width="195" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f94cg4JlUB0/ThXbOxkQAII/AAAAAAAAAMU/PUn4-DnQxkw/s1600/bad+parent.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" m$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f94cg4JlUB0/ThXbOxkQAII/AAAAAAAAAMU/PUn4-DnQxkw/s400/bad+parent.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GrvBZBc2_Nk/ThXboXpmjRI/AAAAAAAAAMk/0ludTGZ8ibI/s1600/examples-of-bad-parenting02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" m$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GrvBZBc2_Nk/ThXboXpmjRI/AAAAAAAAAMk/0ludTGZ8ibI/s400/examples-of-bad-parenting02.jpg" width="296" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Core Needs</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve <a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-mommy-nearly-didnt-survive-big-boys.html">previously mentioned</a> that children have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">8 core needs</i> and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">protection</i></b> is one of these core needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When children are not protected from bad influences by their caregivers, it can lead to all sorts of problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think allowing girl-children to dress beyond their age exposes them to interaction with the opposite gender that are beyond their emotional maturity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It tells them that the inside-me is not as important as the outside-me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Probably also that the way to attract attention is through the outside-me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to comment on the messages boys get regarding girls as that is a whole rant on its own.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">Help your child choose well</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">What parents need to remember is that their primary time of influence on their children is relatively short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By age 13 or so, you’ve lost the time where you are the most important influence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, friends are much more important and will be the main factor in shaping your child’s choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If, by then, your child is familiar with unhealthy influences, the chances are good that your child will make unhealthy choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure everyone makes stupid choices because friends are doing it too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’ve been able to protect your child adequately by giving her a good, solid base about the importance of self-respect and dignity...well, you’re a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/p/good-enough-parenting-programme.html">good-enough parent</a> </i>then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well done. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-92036645604494048842011-06-30T10:07:00.000+02:002011-06-30T10:07:18.638+02:00How to change behaviour in children: A book about sleeping for Big Boy<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My 26-month nephew, Big Boy has been throwing his weight around at bed-time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister has been in despair:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What happened to my sweet little boy” as Big Boy bangs, jumps and screams his disenchantment at Dadda who refuses to continue sharing his bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The drama continued a few nights only but I decided I’m going to make a second attempt at a little children’s book about wanting to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><strong>Telling stories to tame the boy</strong></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Preparing Big Boy for new events and change by telling stories have proved <a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-mommy-nearly-didnt-survive-big-boys.html">to be really effective</a>. He has a slow-to-warm temperament, which means he is slow to approach new situations. To make new things predictable fill this core need and builds confidence in shy children. </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My previous attempt was to help Big Boy adapt to the new nanny that started last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, he loves the book and that gave me some courage to attempt another book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, I decided that <a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/06/confessions-of-exploding-lady.html#links">I need to do more creative stuff</a> and painting the illustrations was just the thing, methought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Boyfish is his name</strong></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The main character in the “<em>We have a new Nana</em>” book was a little fish and Big Boy quickly identified with this little fish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the Nana-book, I just called the fish Jonathan (Big Boy’s good name, if I can use Indian vernacular) and Big Boy quickly changed it to Jonathan-fish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise with the other characters:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nana-fish, Lily-fish, Mamma-fish, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, the character in this book had <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>–fish attached to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The book is about going to sleep so you can climb into your dream - where a boyfish can do anything. I called it "<em>Let's go to dreamland</em>" but not totally happy with the name. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Have a lookee</strong></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here are some pages from the book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s amateurish but I’m really proud of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t think I could create something like this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words are not 100% in English.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I should try to write in Afrikaans, my home language after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PA99gkznCro/TgmSzF0IR0I/AAAAAAAAAL0/2lkn_T-jxkY/s1600/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0004frame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" i$="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PA99gkznCro/TgmSzF0IR0I/AAAAAAAAAL0/2lkn_T-jxkY/s320/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0004frame.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fxpWx6Y_Bt0/TgmS3E9XxAI/AAAAAAAAAL4/9Jl8JnKLYug/s1600/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0005frame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" i$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fxpWx6Y_Bt0/TgmS3E9XxAI/AAAAAAAAAL4/9Jl8JnKLYug/s320/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0005frame.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0FLwfY-CuVc/TgmS7gNlHWI/AAAAAAAAAL8/-zKnUGnAz7o/s1600/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0008frame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" i$="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0FLwfY-CuVc/TgmS7gNlHWI/AAAAAAAAAL8/-zKnUGnAz7o/s320/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0008frame.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cURo71oAseQ/TgmS98t7p_I/AAAAAAAAAMA/Uohyr2nYaVs/s1600/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0010frame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" i$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cURo71oAseQ/TgmS98t7p_I/AAAAAAAAAMA/Uohyr2nYaVs/s320/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0010frame.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EKMp9af71JI/TgmTFJoJAOI/AAAAAAAAAME/1xEtAAalMGI/s1600/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0012frame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" i$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EKMp9af71JI/TgmTFJoJAOI/AAAAAAAAAME/1xEtAAalMGI/s320/Lets+go+to+dreamland_0012frame.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>More to come?</strong></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My sister asked me to do some books on emotions at the toddler level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know there are many know-your-feelings books around, but I think I want to make something I would like to use in play therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A whole-person approach to feelings and not merely a cognitive approach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of telling the child, I want to make them connect with emotion in a more holistic manner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still in the conceptualisation stage though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>It feels good</strong></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I just love how I can make Big Boy happy while doing something more right-brained for a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you think of my book?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any tips or ideas on how I can improve it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-77338647502553307332011-06-29T12:00:00.000+02:002011-06-29T12:00:25.266+02:00How to be more resilient<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I have been sharing a bit more of my <a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/06/amazing-how-things-converge.html#links">personal journey</a>, which is at the moment focussed on meditating more on positive than negative. </span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Resilience</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BNEDv1-8K9Y/Tgr2za-w9XI/AAAAAAAAAMI/ZvC6nNfMOMA/s1600/strong+woman+2frame.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" i$="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BNEDv1-8K9Y/Tgr2za-w9XI/AAAAAAAAAMI/ZvC6nNfMOMA/s320/strong+woman+2frame.jpg" width="214" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">One thing I've been looking at is building resilience: the ability to bounce back after disappointments or obstacles. I get a little irritated when people talk about "thinking positive" or looking at the glass as half-full. Personally, I prefer to understand more why I think negative, than just avoid the negative and force the positive. Think the latter are more short-term gain with a long-term loss. But that is also how I function and think and I know for sure that others don't function the way I do. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Know thy self</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">One way to build on resilience is to know your own strengths so you can build on those strengths. It helps me to know what I do well naturally. I can then work on fostering those strengths to reach goals - even if the goal is just to survive the day. On the other hand, I enjoy self-development and practical things to change and work on. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Positive psychology</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">There is a branch of psychology called positive psychology. It focuses more on one's strengths and accomplishments to foster change and growth. Other types of psychology would look more towards what has gone wrong - more problem focussed. I think there is a place for both and there should be a balance. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">So, in order to focus more on the noble, good, and those things I've shared, I've decided to do a survey called Values-in-Action. It's designed by a reputable group of researchers, so not one of those magazine-type "what's your shopping-style" type nonsense surveys. If you want to do it, you can register <a href="http://www.viacharacter.org/Surveys/SurveyCenter.aspx">here</a>. Just note that it's a proper survey, so it's long - 240 questions. So make sure you have enough time to complete the whole thing. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Results for free</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">The free results are basically a list of your strengths and I think the top5 are probably a good reflection of your strengths. Typically with these positive-type things, even #24 - your lowest strengths is still listed as a strength. Or maybe I'm just missing the positive point here?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Here I am</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Anyway, here are my top 5 strengths. It's a good reflection of where I am in my life. I recognise myself here as I've always had a thirst for information and understanding that makes others sigh with overload. And I have a knack for questioning conventional wisdom - to the frustration of many. So, these things are definitely me. I was quite surprised how high I rated my ability and desire to do things in a new way. Ja, that is me. And it makes me understand my current frustration with my life and my desire for change. I do like new things. New ways. New ideas. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">"Your Top Character Strength</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Creativity, ingenuity, and originality</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Your Second Character Strength</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Curiosity and interest in the world</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Your Third Character Strength</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Bravery and valor</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Your Fourth Character Strength</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Kindness and generosity</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 2;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Your Fifth Character Strength</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Love of learning</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><br />
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn."</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 22pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">What have you learnt about yourself from doing the survey? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-45890581263270608712011-06-23T11:57:00.000+02:002011-06-23T11:57:51.135+02:00My way to win the battle between Black Dog and White Dog<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Amazing how things converge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve complained <a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/06/confessions-of-exploding-lady.html#links">previously</a> about how I’m being ruled by my enthusiasms to the point of exploding!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday I attended a training session on statistics and I met another woman there who has been going through exactly the same process as I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She is a great lady: working mom of three in the academic world in a management position until recently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For anyone who knows the academic world: it’s as cutthroat as any multinational corporation and not for the fainthearted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s fun and very likeable, so no hardcore tough cookie, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We could talk a bit about this stage of our lives we’re in and as always, just voicing things helps to process it.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Face the pain</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last night I decided to tackle the issues at hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve taken some time the last week to talk to some people about where I’m at and the feedback my friends gave me gave me two insights about myself. The first is that I <s>hardly ever</s> never get to the point where what I’ve done or am is “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">good enough</b>”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s always a next milestone and a better, faster way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, my view of me is also linked to that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can always be more patient, gentler, more giving, slower to anger (eish), more more more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next, related, insight was that I keep the never-good-enough fire hot with a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">negative script</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This script is so automatic, I’m not even aware of it any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it fuels the fire of not-good-enough!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Starve Cujo</span></span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9BcnRmqwJYM/TgMNUt5tbHI/AAAAAAAAALs/-RZv_5x4y1w/s1600/black+dog+frame+comp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="306" i$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9BcnRmqwJYM/TgMNUt5tbHI/AAAAAAAAALs/-RZv_5x4y1w/s320/black+dog+frame+comp.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve decided to use the two-pronged approach – feed the white dog, starve the black dog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the moment, I’m not ever sure what the black dog is being fed, so I’ve started listening to what I tell myself to feed the Black slavering black Cujo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every now and then I jot down any Cujo thought I could capture!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Example</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I washed my car this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beeeeg accomplishment!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then I started scripting that I should polish the car for it to be a good job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 36pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Eish, I’m a bit tired after being in training the whole day and having to catch up with work today so don’t have energy for polishing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have to otherwise the accomplishment of washing my car is wasted. ”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*Disappointment and anger*</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just putting it down on (virtual) paper helped me see how much pressure I place on myself!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And how defeatist my reasoning is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So encouraging because I could make a plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And loosen the relenting tyranny of “have to’s”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I polished my bonnet, roof and boot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enough for today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will do the rest (maybe) when I was my car again, <s>probably</s> in July.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">White Dog 1 – Black Dog 0</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Feed the White Dog</span></span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qPX54oM7wvY/TgMNYSCCxLI/AAAAAAAAALw/dBvf7IKVyMU/s1600/white+dog+frame+comp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" i$="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qPX54oM7wvY/TgMNYSCCxLI/AAAAAAAAALw/dBvf7IKVyMU/s320/white+dog+frame+comp.jpg" width="254" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve found that I can try and be as positive as I want to be, but there is no true transformation if I try to stuff my mind with just plain positive thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me there is just no substitute for meditating on the Bible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, to feed the White Dog, this scripture from Phil 4:8 (The Message) is what is hitting the mark at the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 36pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve read how people call Paul a misogynist and other negative things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have nothing but praise for the man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was in jail while writing the above and I’m sure he’s learnt the hard way – like I am currently – that this is what is what works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I’m using the Message Bible at the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Know it’s not the most accurate translation, but simple language is all I can cope with at the moment.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Noble thoughts</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, I’m not exactly sure yet what meditating on true, noble, authentic etc things really mean, but I like <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse”</b> part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It captures my mindset at the moment as I’ve been struck hard by the ugly in the world and have been focussing on the curse-worthy things of late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I and my BFF joke about being able to have a noble thought now and then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, she jokes more because I think she’s has more of them at the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still a bit flabberghasted at even thinking up <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">noble</i> things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even the Afrikaans word “eerbaar” doesn’t help me understand the concept of noble more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But its still early in the battle. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The beautiful</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The beautiful in my life is very much connected to being creative and my loved ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, made a story book for Big Boy to prepare him for a new nanny and his Nana (current nanny) leaving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thoroughly enjoyed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact that he loves it made me so happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, have decided that my creative outlet for the time being will be to make more books for Big Boy as he responds really well to being prepared for things through stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">His mom has a whole list of needed story areas so no needs analysis needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last night I pencilled the story and illustrations to motivate him to go to sleep at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love the whole process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t wait for the time later today I allocated to start painting and inking the book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think I’ll scan this book and post some of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">White Dog 2 – Black Dog 0</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All in all had a good morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I’m exposing how negative and unrelenting I am, I’m also happy because I am doing something about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope is a great thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 18pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How about giving me some ideas for beautiful things I can meditate on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or tell me more about your Black and White dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure I’m not the only one with this raging war going on inside of me or what? </span></span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-40252328925829315882011-06-19T19:07:00.000+02:002011-06-19T19:07:30.787+02:00Confessions of an exploding lady<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">At the moment, my life is crazy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like always, it is because I’m ruled by my enthusiasms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve signed up for a few free research workshops offered by the university.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spent one whole week doing that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Great info, but now I just have more for the groaning to-do list:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>write a few journal articles based on my MA treatise and an idea for another journal article based on my doctorate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">That’s another giant to-do:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my doctorate which is very slowly churning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too slow, because I am ruled by my other enthusiasms. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">DibanisaWay is about teaching people relationship skills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love it and want to grow it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That will mean making time for writing proposals, workshops, doing marketing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just don’t have the time!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then, I have to have fun. Visit friends, play with the kids, read, take the dog for walks, time with God, church stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t just sit behind my computer!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I also have to earn money. I work for myself and if I don’t work, I don’t pay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem with that is that you can always work more, longer, later at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Tonight I just feel like cracking a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have way too much on my plate, but don’t want to get rid of any of these enthusiasms and necessities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a bit like visiting my favourite restaurant with an eat-all-you can buffet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can only eat that much and then you’ll explode...like that fat dude from Monthy Python’s The Meaning of Life. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bdr50IUT93Q/Tf4sYd7ni-I/AAAAAAAAALo/U-lKg8zFi6A/s1600/exploding+fat+guy.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" i$="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bdr50IUT93Q/Tf4sYd7ni-I/AAAAAAAAALo/U-lKg8zFi6A/s1600/exploding+fat+guy.bmp" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Well, I feel tonight like I’m at the point of exploding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Been wondering about that this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When did I become a slave to my enthusiasms and more importantly:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t have the answer but I am digging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spent a bit of time lamenting in my journal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always great to just write every thought down and make sense of stuff that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But are not that enthusiastic about journaling as I usually am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it is because I’m at the edge of finding out a disturbing truth about myself – one I probably have known for some time without getting the full picture of how self-destructive I can be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think it has to do with over-compensation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ouch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Over-compensation means there is something I think I “under –do” or probably more true of me; if I don’t overcompensate, I probably tap into a feeling of worthlessness or powerlessness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that many of us, when we can or do take the time out, can tap into that place where we question the worthiness of “me”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I don’t produce good work, or am a good parent, spouse, friend, sibling...am I then OK?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s easy to throw the mantra around that “if I think I’m OK, then its enough”. Our individualistic Western world runs on the idea of you being OK with yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s only your opinion of yourself that counts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a problem with that because it’s just not true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are nothing without those around us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were created to define who we are in our relationships with others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite being indoctrinated that it doesn’t matter, it does matter what the people we surround ourselves reflect back to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does matter to me, in any case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And its not that I’ve had negative feedback from my loved ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just that I’m wondering whether I’ll be OK with who I am my relationships if I don’t produce academic journal articles, dissertations, training courses or blogs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I, like Christopher Reeves, lost my ability to do anything for myself: would I think I have a right to live like he did?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really deep inside, would I feel like a burden and feel like I could never make up the effort I ask of my caregivers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Probably, losing one’s independence would bring such struggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My question though: deep down inside, would just being me be enough for others to still love me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s a vulnerable thing to put out for whoever to read and I’m deeply uncomfortable with even putting this on paper, never mind post in my blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I think it’s important that I commit myself to this journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t just keep on being a slave to my enthusiasms without understanding exactly how over-compensation is dousing the flame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I didn't reread what I wrote or edit it. It must stay the way it is, lest I change my mind about committing to scratching deep inside of me. </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">So, dear reader. Spare a thought for this over-compensating treasure hunter. </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-40105819600205722012011-06-14T14:55:00.000+02:002020-07-07T10:09:25.557+02:00Is your relationship based on bad chemistry?<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Something I've been noticing recently: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bad chemistry</i> between partners is most often the source of unresolved conflict in relationships! What I mean by <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bad chemistry</i> is that one can be seriously attracted to a person that is least able to fill your emotional needs. Needless to say; it makes for some serious unhealthy dynamics. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;"> <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oaSLg9wP3EM/Tfc095Ntc0I/AAAAAAAAALg/xka4YLPYshg/s1600/ichooseus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oaSLg9wP3EM/Tfc095Ntc0I/AAAAAAAAALg/xka4YLPYshg/s1600/ichooseus.jpg" t8="true" /></a></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">What do I mean?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Say I'm someone whose parents were able to fill all my physical needs like food, a roof over my head and education. But my parents were not able to fulfil my emotional needs. We never spoke about emotions and nobody ever asked me how I'm feeling or how something affected me emotionally. I then probably have a lifetrap of </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18pt;">Emotional Deprivation</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">. I will constantly feel a sense of emptiness inside can only be filled by someone else. Sometimes I'll comfort eat to try and fill that trench. Or I can become clingy and over-demanding for attention. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">My chemistry</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Being loved to me thus involves being in an emotionally depriving environment. It isn't pleasant, but it is familiar. It is a common thing about us humans; we're more often revert back to the familiar instead of the healthy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">So, I meet a boy. Due to his background, he is not able to fill emotional needs. He can't provide emotional comfort or emotional nurturance in a healthy manner. Logic will tell me to avoid! But my lifetrap chemistry recognises the familiarity in this relationship. So, I'll be attracted to a person who can't fill my emotional needs. I will be attracted to someone who is emotionally depriving. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Can it be true?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Yup, unfortunately. There is obviously something in me that could trigger my boy's own lifetraps. More bad chemistry. Maybe I am emotionally very giving with the hope that it will show him how to give emotionally. But, sadly, this hardly ever works this way. Maybe he has a lifetrap that says he and other people are not supposed to show strong emotion. I interpret that as strength and like it. But, of course, it isn't strength. It is resistance against giving emotional support and nurturance. More a weakness than a strength.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">And then?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">In the relationship, I will demand emotional support. He will resist giving emotional support, interpreting emotions as "bad". My inner trench gets deeper. I get very emotional. He tells me to "not feel that way" or "get yourself together". Or simply stares at me with disapproving surprise the more I cry or rave or throw a fuzzy. You get the point. It is a self-defeating <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vortex</i>.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Why do I do this to myself?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Of course, nobody chooses to enter relationships based on bad chemistry. These bad chemistry attractions happen outside of conscious awareness. Remember that we are more attracted to what is familiar than what is healthy. And that euphoric in lurve feeling is so addictive! Hard to resist.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">Dysfunction is the gift...</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">...that keeps on giving. Yup, look back at your life. Is there a pattern in your relationships? Are you attracted to people with similar characteristics? Maybe like I described above? The thing you loved the most about the person you fell in love with, are usually the thing you end up hating the most about them. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">What to do?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16pt;">I can't say anything else here except SELF-AWARENESS. Know yourself. Know your weaknesses. Look at negative patterns in your relationships. These probably point to some of your lifetraps and your potential for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bad chemistry</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">relationships</i>. Depending on how destructive these patterns are, I would suggest either honest conversations with your partner or professional counselling. You want to work towards a healthy way of avoiding these bad chemistry vortexes. Not impossible, but will take some honest commitment from both of you to recognise the vortexes in your relationships. Then, to be committed to stop the vortex as soon as it gets triggered. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif; font-size: 16pt;">I've described on type of bad chemistry interaction. What type of interactions have you found in your relationships that could point to bad chemistry? </span></div>
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Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-28431496722883350722011-06-05T16:52:00.000+02:002011-06-05T16:52:29.835+02:00Romantic love: good or dehumanising?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--1339dHVuEo/TeuW16zbqKI/AAAAAAAAALY/CAH-An7OswE/s1600/couple2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--1339dHVuEo/TeuW16zbqKI/AAAAAAAAALY/CAH-An7OswE/s320/couple2.jpg" t8="true" width="256" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Read a great </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2011/06/the-neuroscience-of-romanticized-love-part-1-emotional-taboos/"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">article</span></a></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> about emotional taboo's and romanticized love. I've been thinking about a lot about <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">arranged marriages</b> and the dynamics around it. It's different from the boy meets girl, boy falls in love, boy marries girl dynamic we have in western society. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Indian marriages</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I went to India the beginning of the year and was impacted by how strong the custom of arranged marriages still is in India. Even in the churches where I volunteered in Bangalore and Chennai, marriages still are not based on romantic love. It is more based on <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">commitment</b> towards one another and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">trust</b> in God. What I found interesting was how much happier these marriages were than most of the western marriages. Not perfect, but contented and committed. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">The how of arranged</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">The marriages are not arranged without the consent of both partners. In the church, it worked this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person will tell the older people that they want to get married. After prayer and discussion, a few partners are identified. They then will go on a date or two to get to know one another a bit better. There is then more prayer, sometimes fasting and both partners have to decide to carry on with the process. Then, counselling with the elders in the church to find out if they are really ready and suited. Only then will family get involved and the whole engagement process starts. These young people are so well protected by their church family and are fully supported in the whole process towards marriage. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">And it gets hot too</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I asked a few of the married women how they could have sex with a husband they didn't feel an attraction for the way I know it to be in the western world. The one replied that 1 Corinthians 13 love (love in action) and obedience to God makes for a very happy honeymoon. I was a little taken aback by the unexpected response, but has been thinking about it ever since. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Love in action?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Likewise, the article talks about love in action:</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">"Dr. Scott Peck’s definition for authentic love in The Road Less Traveled:</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 5pt 36pt;"><b><i><span style="color: #003366; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity…Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom…love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” </span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">In contrast, romanticized love sets up unrealistic, and often dehumanizing, expectations for male and female sexuality that seem a setup for failure."</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Interesting idea: that romanticized love seems to be a setup for <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">unrealistic</b> and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">DEHUMANIZING</b> expectations. Wonder if this could be one of the reasons the divorce rate has just grown and grown since in the last 50 years? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">"According to traditional roles, for example, men are expected to forgo what allows human beings to meaningfully connect – the capacity to feel emotions of vulnerability (as well as love). It’s taboo, for example, for men to feel hurt, sad, fearful, as these emotions imply weakness, inferior status, and the like. Men are also warned against emotions of exuberance and expressive love, regarded as ‘fluffy’ or ‘feminine.’</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 36pt;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">On the other hand, women are expected do without emotions of anger, hatred, and negativity in general. It’s also taboo for women to say what they want or need, make direct requests, say no to other’s requests, and in general display strength or confidence. Regardless the “equality” gains, we still tend to frown upon women doing what makes men feel uncomfortable, threatened or turned off. (It may be surprising, yet most women, consciously or subconsciously, feel responsible and vigilantly act to “protect” men’s feelings or ego.)"</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Not untrue, but I'm not sure all the role stereotypes have to do with romanticized love. I do, however, agree that I'm not sure that the current model for partner selection is an altogether successful one. I just saw that the couples I met in India were happier than most couples I know here. They started from a different place with different expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q-94sxdoeJg/TeuW5ARVSoI/AAAAAAAAALc/mSDCW8r3tzc/s1600/coup%255B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q-94sxdoeJg/TeuW5ARVSoI/AAAAAAAAALc/mSDCW8r3tzc/s320/coup%255B2.jpg" t8="true" width="215" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>The passion happens</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Interesting was how many couples fell in love <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">after</b> they got married. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 20pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">After trust and commitment, passion came.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> Maybe that is a recipe for success? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I don't have the answer, but I'm still thinking about it. Especially since I've been thinking a lot about the church being the bride of Christ. Us being in an arranged marriage with trust and commitment being the core ingredients. Hmmm. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Maybe I think too much. Maybe not. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">What do you think about arranged marriages? Is there a place for it in the western world? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-19591323656671636262011-06-04T20:19:00.000+02:002011-06-04T20:19:41.801+02:00Poo is important!<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">A few incidents with </span><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">kids</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> and </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 24pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">poo</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> made me want to write a bit about it. Little weird? Think we adults have been trained to dislike poo too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And really, what's to like? </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div> <br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qw6J7MY6LK4/Ten1hoVyB8I/AAAAAAAAALU/7spqfWjD8Do/s1600/webwinnie_the_pooh_7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qw6J7MY6LK4/Ten1hoVyB8I/AAAAAAAAALU/7spqfWjD8Do/s320/webwinnie_the_pooh_7.jpg" t8="true" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">celebrating poo!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Poo is goood</strong></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">But poo is <strong>very important</strong> to a 2 to 3 year old. My little friend, 30 month old Hannah, now knows all the organs in the digestive tract.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She particularly loves the colon cause that's where the poo is. My niece, 4 month old Lily did an untimely #2 in the bath the other day. Her 24 month brother Big Boy was a little shocked but also impressed. And there's certainly a reason why Winnie's a <strong>Pooh</strong>-bear!</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>Good ole Freud</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Freud was the first to make an issue out of kids and pooh. His theory of psycho-sexual development described the Anal stage. That is when 1 to 3 year </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">olds</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"> get most of their "psychological energy" (I'm trying to make Freud sound a little less weird) from learning to control their pee and poo. I know people don't like that the word "sexual" is connected to children, but this "sexual" refers more to a type of energy than to what we adults think of as "sexual", OK? </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WfpGmQqSFUU/Ten0y4lihDI/AAAAAAAAALI/FEoilnQ9BUw/s1600/webpotty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="184" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WfpGmQqSFUU/Ten0y4lihDI/AAAAAAAAALI/FEoilnQ9BUw/s200/webpotty.jpg" t8="true" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>Poo-pooing</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Freud went on to say that the way parents handle toilet training is strongly connected to whether a child feels shame or accomplishment. He linked anxiety-type personality traits to rigid, punitive toilet training. Not sure how accurate that is. What I do know is that children LOVE poo. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>Poo is power!</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">I think it has to do with how powerless they feel amidst powerful adults in a huge world. Being able to produce something from your own body must be amazing if you feel powerless. And to get that bit of autonomy and sense of "self" is one step in that journey of growing up. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>Poo punishment</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Sometimes children use pee and poo to punish people. I have heard of children that would poo inappropriately to show their disdain with parents. To show that they don't agree. In that sense, being able to hold back and produce poo </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 20pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">at will </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">is a way to have a little bit of control in relationships. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MWOKawwEm4s/Ten00Kl06nI/AAAAAAAAALM/mPJ1sy9lepA/s1600/webdisney_winnie_the_pooh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MWOKawwEm4s/Ten00Kl06nI/AAAAAAAAALM/mPJ1sy9lepA/s200/webdisney_winnie_the_pooh.jpg" t8="true" width="186" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">poo=happy with friends</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>Constipation with a purpose</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Amazing that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">not</b> wanting to give poo often is to do with a child who feels helpless, angry or depressed. A little client I had would always have a poo accident during play therapy. She was raped and severely neglected in her first two years of life and didn't know how to appropriately attach to people. During play therapy, she started to gain control over relationships again. She showed this by "giving" poo to me. Fortunately she was old enough to do the toilet thing herself. I'm not that good with "receiving" poo. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><strong>Poo has energy?</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Another child development theorist, Melanie Klein, often talked about the child "flinging faeces at the parent". Not really flinging it, but trying to show some independence and control. So, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">flinging</i> refers to the psychological energy behind the act of pooing and how it sometimes is used to punish or show disdain. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Poo Power</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">So, the journey of becoming aware of pee and poo is not just about being potty trained (and saving money on nappies - although an important consideration sometime!) It is really about your child taking significant steps in her perception of accomplishment and sense of autonomy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand, if not handled correctly, it could be your child’s introduction to anxiety and shame. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Yes, poo is important!</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-ZA;">Tell me some of your kids' poo-stories. </span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-6581009126208267072011-05-26T15:04:00.000+02:002011-05-26T15:04:42.371+02:00A suggestion to make living with guilt tolerable<span style="font-size: large;">Was chatting with my sis about the constant guilt mothers have about not being a <em>good enough</em> mother. She recently went back to work after having Lily. Not big trainsmash, since she works from home. Yet, she still feels guilt because she feels grateful has an excuse to be away from Lily for a bit. </span><br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Introverts need some time on their own</span></strong><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">To me it makes a lot of sense. She's an introvert, which means interaction with people drains her emotional energy. Being alone recharges her emotional energy. Anyway, nothing drains your energy like a child! I'm an extrovert and gets energy from interaction with people and I get sucked dry from interaction with children!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So anyhow. The guilt comes from ideas about what a good mother should and should not do. Good mothers are supposed to want to be with their children, don't they? Good mothers shouldn't want a break from their little jewels, should they? Good mothers never want to give their children Neurophen so they would sleep through one night - just one night! </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lBabw3KTxGU/Td5K6H9mLBI/AAAAAAAAAKw/NxHvv-y-hEU/s1600/chaineddd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="302" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lBabw3KTxGU/Td5K6H9mLBI/AAAAAAAAAKw/NxHvv-y-hEU/s400/chaineddd.jpg" t8="true" width="400" /></a></div><strong><span style="font-size: large;">The tyranny of shoulds</span></strong><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Our society indoctrinates us with all sorts of subtle strange ideas. Interesting how these subtle standards are just sooo unrelenting and sooo unrealistic. It makes us unhappy because we can NEVER fulfil the expectations of these standards. Nobody does. Almost everybody tries to. Lots pretend they are happy living according to these "shoulds". </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>What do we get from living under the tyranny of shoulds?</strong> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Depression, stress, shouting at kids, needing that glass of wine in the evenings, fighting with husbands, "headache" every night just before it's time for bed, chocolate. </span><br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Crazy making shoulds</span></strong><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Living under the tyranny of shoulds is a constant crazy-making game. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It's like feeling ok about yourself only after you've lost the last 5kgs. Or after the next promotion. Or after buying the bigger car. Or after your husband changes this...or that. </span><br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Not guilt-free</span></strong><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm not proposing that you will be able to live without guilt at all. Guilt is good when it leads to a change in thinking and behaviour. Good guilt leads to clarity and refreshment. Think of the last time you were first to apologise for starting a fight. How good it felt to know that you did wrong but could mend the wounds with an apology. That's good guilt. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Free from inappropriate guilt</strong> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">What I suggest is that you realise guilt induced by unrealistic, unrelenting "they will think" or "I should" thinking are <em>inappropriate</em> guilt.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It is <em>inappropriate</em> because it is built on inhumane building blocks. On building blocks that expect perfection. And even worse, <em>undefined</em> perfection! All you know about this vague standard is that you'll never reach it; <span style="font-size: x-large;">you'll always fall short.</span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You will only be a good enough mother when you ... (fill in the vague and unrealistic blank). </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You will only be a good enough wife when you....(fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Your husband will be good enough when he...(fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You will feel happy in your skin only when you...(fill in vague or unrealistic blank).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Really? Said who?</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Ask yourself: Who taught me this? Who said it should be? It this standard realistic? Is it good for me? Is it good for those around me? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If trying to live according to this standard is causing unhealthy reactions, it probably not good for you, your children, your relationships or your health. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>My suggestion</strong></span><br />
<ol><li><span style="font-size: large;">Make a list of all these unrealistic and vague expectations that rules your sanity. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Then, formulate a more realistic expectation. This is often the difficult part and it may help to chat to friends about it. You'll be surprised how many similarities you'll have with your friends when it comes to unrealistic and vague OK-ness.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Then formulate a plan. Make sure your plan is specific and realistic! You might have to think outside the box a bit to find a practical solution to make your plan work. </span></li>
</ol><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">An <strong>example</strong> could be: </span><br />
<ol><li><span style="font-size: large;">Unrealistic expectation: To be a good mother, I should always like to be with my children. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">More realistic expectation: As a good mother, I need a break from them at least 30 minutes a day. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Plan: I will train my children that if the "mommy's taking a break" sign is on the door, they are not allowed to come in OR stand by the door knocking and yelling at the top of their voices about how their brother/sister is doing this or that / not doing this or that! (this is obviously for older children)</span></li>
</ol><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It might take a bit of training and boundary setting to get your plan to work. Remember, you are working with trainable little minds, so just stick to it. (Easier said than done, I know.) </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>The bottom line</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You are not expected to live under the tyranny of any unrealistic and vague "<span style="font-size: x-large;">should</span>" to be a <em>good enough</em> mother. So, show yourself some respect and kindness and start your fight against this tyranny. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You really are allowed to. Promise.</span> <br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Which of the "shoulds" are causing you the most inappropriate guilt?</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">What effects does these unrealistic and vague expectations have in your life?</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Which decisions have you made after reading this article?</span></strong><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Tell me in the comments section below. </span>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-55624390556621475192011-05-26T12:58:00.000+02:002011-05-26T12:58:13.361+02:00Best discovery for Today!<span style="font-size: large;">I've been absent for a while. Had a killer report to complete. But...I'm Back (in my best Arnie T2 voice. And btw, now we know what he was up to when T2 was a hit. Bad boy. But I digress...)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Found this wonderful website which is a social pinboard. </span><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/"><span style="font-size: large;">Pinterest</span></a><span style="font-size: large;"> allows people to upload pics in all sorts of categories. You can then create your own pinboard by repinning these ideas under all sorts of categories. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;">I found this picture on </span><a href="http://babykoito.multiply.com/photos/album/15/How_To_Really_Love_a_Child#photo=1"><span style="font-size: large;">there</span></a><span style="font-size: large;"> and thought it fits nicely in my blog. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;">Think some of these things are great ideas although I'm not sure about going to the movies in pjs. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">I love this one the most: "<strong>Remember how really small they are</strong>".</span> </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;">We forget that the world of adults can be very intimidating to children. It's good to remember how threatening it can be and why we, as parents, are their only safe haven. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;">Eish, what a responsibility. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;">Also, how special that we are entrusted with these fragile, complex, resilient, unique little blighters. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9sA3OaZ7uug/Td4o8SRHjZI/AAAAAAAAAKs/Y13im1DxSoI/s1600/love-childrenframe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="396" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9sA3OaZ7uug/Td4o8SRHjZI/AAAAAAAAAKs/Y13im1DxSoI/s400/love-childrenframe.jpg" t8="true" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Which one is your favourite? Or which one would you find hard to do? Which ones are impossible? Make the effort to make a comment, ok? </span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-36428689605034238572011-05-15T17:19:00.000+02:002011-05-15T17:19:02.331+02:00Listen UP so I don't have to MOP up.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, I’ve been ranting and raving about fathers who hurt their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might think I’m too hard on fathers; maybe I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Knowing myself, I probably am. </span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The reality is that I often <span style="font-size: x-large;">mop up</span> the mess parents made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit and listen while grown men and women <span style="font-size: x-large;">sob</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <span style="font-size: x-large;">SOB!</span> </span><strong>Always </strong>because of things their parents consistently did, or did not do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There we sit and try to reverse a lifetime of unnecessary repercussions. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qynjJlWT8ms/Tc_uRxV1FzI/AAAAAAAAAKk/fyvJP-JdkjA/s1600/broken-heart-child.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="301" j8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qynjJlWT8ms/Tc_uRxV1FzI/AAAAAAAAAKk/fyvJP-JdkjA/s320/broken-heart-child.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To be unsentimental, I make a living out of such heartache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I chose it and studied many years to make this my profession.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I’m not complaining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I am doing is telling whoever will listen that it doesn’t have to be this way!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend calls me “<em>Dr Damnit</em>” – as in “listen to me damnit!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, listen to me damnit!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can be a good enough parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not perfect, just <em>good enough</em>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <strong>Just wake up! Reflect! Open your eyes! Get with the program! </strong></span></span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fortunately I know that not all dads are ignorant, self-focussed or immature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know some, so it’s not a myth or an idealist vision I had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> This was just confirmed as </span>I came across an article by Dan the laughing single dad of cutie Noah: </span><a href="http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html"><strong><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You just broke your child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Congratulations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></strong></a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think I recognise the same depressed-angry mood I’ve been experiencing the past week or two and have <strong>posted</strong> about </span><a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/05/are-you-selfish-father-man-up-and-face.html"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">here </span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and </span><a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/05/5-sad-conclusions-of-children-of-angry.html"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> and </span><a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/05/1-guaranteed-way-you-can-make-your.html"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>Thanks SDL</strong> for putting in words many of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had about how parents objectify their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Treat them like possessions, not children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes worse than they treat their possessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; mso-spacerun: yes;">Thank you SDL for <strong>addressing</strong> <strong>dads</strong>. For calling men to take responsibility for being a good dad. Not just leaving it up to moms to parent.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>Thanks SDL</strong> for re-igniting the idealist in me that believes that there are imperfect <em>Good Enough Parents</em> out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe I’d be lucky enough to be out of a job one day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, I’ll just continue to be Dr Damnit! </span></div><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Oh yes, before I forget. Thank you SDL. I scraped that great picture from your article. The only one that would work here.</span> <span style="font-size: large;">Forgiven?</span></span>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-53144976366306720512011-05-14T21:19:00.000+02:002011-05-14T21:19:20.483+02:005 sad conclusions of children with angry parents<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eonqP9qMPb4/Tc7U-VeaH1I/AAAAAAAAAKg/An9Za3wHPfw/s1600/785290_93977757.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" j8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eonqP9qMPb4/Tc7U-VeaH1I/AAAAAAAAAKg/An9Za3wHPfw/s320/785290_93977757.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’ve been quiet this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly because I had a rough time emotionally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does one write about when overwhelmed with sadness about the emotional pain some children endure in their families?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing, it seems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">In my work as a psychologist, I work with children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get to spend an incredibly vulnerable and fragile hour with children while they play out their little hearts in my playroom. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Incredible how perceptive children are about what is really going on in their family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only parents could grasp how their marriage relationship affects their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, how their tone can tell children something they didn’t intend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">These are some of the things I’ve heard from my little clients from “normal” families:</span></div><ol><li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I’m scared my parents find another kid and they don’t want me anymore;</span></div></li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">My dad doesn’t like me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is going to sell me to the Arabs;</span></div></li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">My mom wants to break up with my dad and marry Edward (Cullen from Twilight).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But she doesn’t realise he’s not a real person;</span></div></li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I want to say to my father he must leave my mom alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He must give her the money for petrol she asks for;</span></div></li>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">My dad is going to die because he doesn’t drink enough water. </span></div></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I want to emphasise that these are relatively “normal” families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing abusive going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing that I can see in these families are that <strong>the parents fight in front of the children</strong>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fathers show <strong>inappropriate anger</strong> towards the children and/or their mothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">And these are the conclusions children arrive at:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <span style="font-size: x-large;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: x-large;">I’m not loved.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother is not loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">I’m not worthy of love.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">How sad is that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">How does this post make <strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">you</span></strong> feel? </span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-38391284642266025332011-05-08T20:25:00.000+02:002011-05-08T20:25:49.328+02:00Have Relationships You can be Proud of Prt 2<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Part 2: To avoid or not to avoid:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the question</span></span></b></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://projectconnecta-gain.blogspot.com/2011/04/have-relationships-you-can-be-proud-of.html">In part 1</a>, we looked at how some people are genetically wired to cope with emotional discomfort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This post will give more information about those who <em><span style="font-size: large;">avoid</span></em> emotional pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"> </div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X2pMFc1T2Ck/TbHVCI3g_AI/AAAAAAAAAIg/0r2TUmz72DQ/s1600/Head-in-Sand-Afraid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="271" i8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X2pMFc1T2Ck/TbHVCI3g_AI/AAAAAAAAAIg/0r2TUmz72DQ/s400/Head-in-Sand-Afraid.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">How to recognise an avoider...bottoms up, fella!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Avoid Why?</span></span></b></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When a situation triggers negative thoughts, feelings, images, bodily sensations or meanings, avoiders believe they are not able to cope with this extreme emotional pain resulting from triggered lifetraps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Avoid How? </span></span></b></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They then distract themselves to avoid the painful feelings that got triggered or they suppress the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that have been triggered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><strong>Avoid What?</strong></span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">If you avoid, you want to avoid 3 main things: thoughts, feelings or situations. </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">- Avoid Thoughts</span></span></b></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Avoidant people will make an effort not to think of upsetting events or feelings.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Information that is very upsetting to the individual can be shut away so far, the person will actually forget it happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">- Avoid Feelings</span></span></b></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Avoidant people will block painful emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can take place automatically or voluntarily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Often avoiders will numb themselves to the feelings to lessen the pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Addictions aid in the emotional numbing process.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">- Avoid Situations</span></span></b></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Avoiders will do their best to avoid situations in which lifetraps can be triggered; thereby psychological pain is avoided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vprwe8lriBo/TbHZzwZ7g9I/AAAAAAAAAIo/UqQMTVv7kcg/s1600/conflict-resolution.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="142" i8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vprwe8lriBo/TbHZzwZ7g9I/AAAAAAAAAIo/UqQMTVv7kcg/s200/conflict-resolution.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, dear. Nothing is wrong...</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><strong>For example:</strong> Your husband seems irritable when he comes home from work. </span></span></span><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Healthy response: You ask him if he is as irritable as he seems. You ask him if something's wrong. You give him a welcome hug and ask if he's OK.</span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Avoidant response: You leave the room. Or, you start talking about happy things. Or, you tackle the kids' leftovers. Or, you pretend he is not irritable. Or, _____________ (fill in the blank). </span></span></span></div></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>How much avoidance takes place in your life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></strong></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Answer these questions truthfully to give yourself a rough indication.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>Instructions</em>:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How often do these statements apply to you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">0=I don’t know;</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1 = Never;</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2 = At least a few times a month; </span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3=At least a few times a week;</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4=At least a few times a day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I avoid trying new things that I know I will not be excellent in.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find it hard to remember negative experiences.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watch TV to “switch off” from my day.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find it hard to connect with emotions that my friends say I obviously show.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try not to think about things that upset me. </span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I value rationality over emotionality.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I withdraw when I’m angry.</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smoke/drink alcohol/eat something comforting/watch TV when I get upset. </span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">____<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do retail therapy when I feel upset. </span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Scoring Instructions:</strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Step 1:</strong> </span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Note the number of times you marked 0, 1, 2, 3, and 4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Generally, if you have more 0s, 1s and 4s, you probably are predominantly an avoider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Step 2:</strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">No, don’t you click that next blog button!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about this for longer than you usually would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider the possibility that you might be avoiding uncomfortable feelings and thoughts right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you are still on this post, you are doing well!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Congratulations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the first step to changing unhealthy avoiding patterns...stay with me...stay with me...</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Step 3:</strong></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now say to yourself:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of my genetics, I generally avoid uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Repeat it until you mean it!</span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Step 4:</strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>This is the final but <em>most important</em> step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk to a friend, spouse, partner, parent, shrink, dog...anyone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just tell someone that you have learnt that you tend to avoid coping with uncomfortable and painful thoughts and emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Repeat steps 1-4 daily for the rest of your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">See, that was easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Part 3 will look at the counterattacking overcompensators, the club yours truly belongs to. </span></span></span></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vhvUB_rZ4pE/TbHVINpwP2I/AAAAAAAAAIk/z5DjxqnXsIg/s1600/ostrich_head_in_sand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" i8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vhvUB_rZ4pE/TbHVINpwP2I/AAAAAAAAAIk/z5DjxqnXsIg/s320/ostrich_head_in_sand.jpg" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another member of Avoiders Anonymous</td></tr>
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: FirstGrader;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></span></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-21518296424924845832011-05-08T20:14:00.000+02:002011-05-08T20:14:29.073+02:00I Choose Us<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0OJEBFWrNxk/Tcbc84WbU9I/AAAAAAAAAKU/KLR084OUiLI/s1600/6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" j8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0OJEBFWrNxk/Tcbc84WbU9I/AAAAAAAAAKU/KLR084OUiLI/s320/6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yuY4-7-mtA8/Tcbc5khz2PI/AAAAAAAAAKQ/cvYSwVLQvJU/s1600/8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" j8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yuY4-7-mtA8/Tcbc5khz2PI/AAAAAAAAAKQ/cvYSwVLQvJU/s320/8.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: large;"><strong><em>I Choose Us</em></strong> is a 6-step programme for couples focussed on building a "love connection" in their marriages. This program is based on both Biblical principles and schema therapy. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">It strength lies in addressing and breaking harmful cycles in already difficult relationships while equiping couples with communication and empathy tools. For young couples or those planning to marry, the <strong><em>I Choose Us</em></strong> programme will prevent the creation of harmful cycles. This internationally used programme also makes use of movie clips to illustrate principles and points in the movie. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">A marriage built on a "love connection" will thrive, not just survive. </span></div><div align="justify" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">While undergoing training for this programme, I saw the benefits of the programme as some of the couples attending the training, had significant break-throughs with long-standing problems in their relationships. Read some comments from previous participants to the I Choose Us programme:</span></div><div align="justify" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><div align="justify" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">"I choose us" has already changed my marriage! Through understanding more of the root of my behavior and why the negative patterns in my relationship to my wife is occuring, "I choose us" has given me a path to how to get unstuck and to how we can meet each other's needs in our marriage.</span></em></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">~ Ronny Yttrehus, Norway</span></em></div><div align="justify" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">"I choose us" Is an amazing opportunity to equip your marriage with useful tools that will work for a lifetime! I have already seen the benefits and will be watching movies with greater focus and enjoyment!!</span></em></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">~ Robin Barnes, South Florida, USA</span></em></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div><div align="justify" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">I feel the analogy used within the course is really helpful in identifying where I am at in my marriage. The clear specifics on the core needs to be met in order to maintain a healthy marriage are a great toolbox for practical steps my spouse and I can take to actively build our marriage and make it flourish.</span></em></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">~ Fanney Frisback, Iceland</span></em></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div align="justify" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"> <em>It helps you to be more vulnerable and therefore get closer to your spouse. You also learn what triggers each other and how you can deal with that.</em></span></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">~ Marit Mulelid, Norway</span></em></div><div align="right" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div align="justify" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: large;"> <em>I loved how the movies brought the points to life. As young marrieds, I feel very lucky and grateful to have learned much about marriage. It has helped me to understand why my husband and myself act the way we do.</em></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><em><span style="font-size: large;">~ Erin Oluwalana, South Florida, USA </span></em></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-85091944226969377502011-05-08T10:18:00.000+02:002011-05-08T10:18:41.790+02:001 Guaranteed way to make your child feel unloved<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kBOSzABCWMA/TcZRY7-OhJI/AAAAAAAAAKE/DSYt9-w8rRk/s1600/1126889_77017795+comp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" j8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kBOSzABCWMA/TcZRY7-OhJI/AAAAAAAAAKE/DSYt9-w8rRk/s200/1126889_77017795+comp.jpg" width="150" /></a><span style="font-size: large;">The pressures of modern life and parenting in a modern world can be overwhelming. Information overload, peak traffic , inflation, finanancial pressures, naughty children, narcissistic colleagues... say no more. Modern life is tough. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><span style="font-size: large;">That's why I want to give you <em>1 quick but <strong>GUARANTEED</strong> tip</em> on how to make your child feel <span style="font-size: x-large;">unloved; even hated</span>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><strong>Have your child observe or hear how you and your partner fight.</strong> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Shocking but true. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Why can I say this? Because I've heard many children say this to me during play therapy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Let me explain</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You are your child's world! You are how they survive in this world. They know it. </span><br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="font-size: large;">If you become unsafe, by fighting, you disrupt their feeling of safety. The only way they can feel that they are safe again, is by idealising you and devaluing themselves. They have to make you good and safe. They can only do this by making themselves bad. It's the way childrens' minds work. It is not logical to you but it is to a little human being that has to keep you "good" in order to stay attached to the parents that have to protect them.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Truth</strong>: All couples fight. So, how to do it in a way that doesn't affect your child's view of themselves? You've heard this a million times, so I'll just bullet point it:</span><br />
<ul><li><span style="font-size: large;">Don't fight in front of the children;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">If you start a fight in front of the children, apologise to them;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Make a conscious decision to NOT snap, shout, or be sarcastic where the children can hear or observe;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Explain to them how all good relationships will have disagreements;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Explain to them that even if you fight, it doesn't mean you don't love one another;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Show them how you have made peace;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Apologise to one another in front of your children regularly; and</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Ask for forgiveness from your spouse and your children when there was conflict. </span></li>
</ul><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Fix this NOW</strong></span><br />
<ol><li><span style="font-size: large;">Go to your children <strong>NOW</strong>. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Ask them for forgiveness for any nasty conflict you've had with their other parent where they could hear or observe it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Explain to them what you have done wrong.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Explain to them how it does not mean you don't love them.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Allow them to tell you exactly how it made them feel when you fight. Accept all their feelings. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">DO <strong>NOT</strong> tell them not to feel that way. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">DO <strong>NOT</strong> try to make excuses for your behaviour.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></li>
</ol><span style="font-size: large;">Just make them feel better. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I know that it will make you feel better. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7659813191322176412.post-25066756196568037842011-05-06T15:04:00.000+02:002011-05-06T15:04:52.474+02:00Hey Oprah! 15 things I know for sure.<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Oprah always asks this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly people give “deep” altruistic answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meryl Streep said she knows for sure that she’ll never lose the 10lbs she picked up with her last child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41 this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m told I look younger and sometimes I do feel younger than “41”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Inverted commas because I’m not sure how 41 should look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When my mom was 41, she had been married for 20 years and had 3 children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m the eldest and I was 19 and studying at university at the time. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>One</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve never been married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never planned it to be this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I became a Christian when I was 25 and decided that I would only marry a man that loves God more than he loves me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had long and short relationships before and since.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just never got to the marriage stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank goodness for some.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only I persevered longer for others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But nevertheless, I don’t regret my decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always thought I’d rather be single than be in a bad marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Two</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have (human) children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never planned it to be this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t really pursued it either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a Christian woman, I am committed to sexual purity so never could fall pregnant by accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wasn’t willing to marry just to have children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t regret my decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thought that if I have children, they need a God-focussed father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d rather not have children than bring them up in an unhappy home. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Three</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve picked up weight since I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia in 1999.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About 20kgs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have tried to lose it with diets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kg’s always came back with friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Migrated up 2 dress sizes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grown into this body now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even like it a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body is me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being overweight is not equal to being defective and shameful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is just simply being overweight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d rather be overweight and “here” than normal weight and captive in “body shame”.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Four</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m an aunt of 4 children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My brother has 2 girls; my sister a pigeon pair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never thought about being an aunt really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I’m one, I am elated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are my future as much as they are their parents’ future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I invest my heart into them as I would have in my own children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have to stuff vegetables down their throat or buy practical shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I buy ice-cream and Barbie shoes (not for Big Boy, of course).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I go to the beach and listen to long stories about movies and friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I teach how to explain how their hearts are sad or angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hug and ask for kisses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I give them back to their parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I miss out on the hard times that build relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t sit up at night with a sick child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t change stinky nappies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what I would have done with my own children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have the best children an aunt could have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'm the best aunt I can be. </span>I’d rather be a committed aunt than lamenting the fact that I probably never will have children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Five</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love my dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are my children, my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I treat them like dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love them like friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to feel guilty and even shame for sometimes loving my dogs more than I love some human beings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love my dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still mourn my companion of 16 years that died in my arms last year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will always love my dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No apologies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d rather rescue dogs and create a mixed-species family unit than not having these strong relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m 41 and this is also what I know for sure:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Six</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Life doesn’t work out the way you thought it would when you were 20.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Seven</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Life is hard and unpredictable with lots of challenges and emotional pain. It's meant to be this way. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Eight</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Life in Christ is harder than life outside of Christ. Christianity is not for sissies. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Nine</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a complex human being that will never quite have a handle on who I really am. I don't expect you to completely understand me either. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Ten</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am surprisingly resilient. Still here. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Eleven</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am able to give love and my love is able to fill others.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Twelve</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am able to receive love and be filled by others' love. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Thirteen</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">You don't have to understand me to like me. I don't need to understand me to like you. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Fourteen</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have a voice. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Fifteen</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 18pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">You have a voice too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to hear what you know for sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I want to be filled by your wisdom and life too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Just take the step and tell me in the comments section the one or two or many things you know for sure... </span></div><div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06991706450864140189noreply@blogger.com4