Listen UP so I don't have to MOP up.

Well, I’ve been ranting and raving about fathers who hurt their children.  You might think I’m too hard on fathers; maybe I am.  Knowing myself, I probably am.

The reality is that I often mop up the mess parents made.  I sit and listen while grown men and women sob.  SOB! Always because of things their parents consistently did, or did not do.  There we sit and try to reverse a lifetime of unnecessary repercussions.   

To be unsentimental, I make a living out of such heartache.  I chose it and studied many years to make this my profession.  So, I’m not complaining. 

What I am doing is telling whoever will listen that it doesn’t have to be this way!  A friend calls me “Dr Damnit” – as in “listen to me damnit!”  So, listen to me damnit!  You can be a good enough parent.  Not perfect, just good enough.  Just wake up! Reflect! Open your eyes! Get with the program!

Fortunately I know that not all dads are ignorant, self-focussed or immature.  I know some, so it’s not a myth or an idealist vision I had.  This was just confirmed as I came across an article by Dan the laughing single dad of cutie Noah: You just broke your child.  Congratulations. 

I think I recognise the same depressed-angry mood I’ve been experiencing the past week or two and have posted about here and here and here. 

Thanks SDL for putting in words many of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had about how parents objectify their children.  Treat them like possessions, not children.  Sometimes worse than they treat their possessions. 

Thank you SDL for addressing dads.  For calling men to take responsibility for being a good dad.  Not just leaving it up to moms to parent.

Thanks SDL for re-igniting the idealist in me that believes that there are imperfect Good Enough Parents out there. 

Maybe I’d be lucky enough to be out of a job one day.  In the meantime, I’ll just continue to be Dr Damnit!

Oh yes, before I forget.  Thank you SDL.  I scraped that great picture from your article.  The only one that would work here.  Forgiven?

Do We Protect Our Children from the Wrong Things?



My Patrysie

On 12 May 2010, my pavement special companion of 15 years, Patrys started showing signs of liver failure.  Eventually on Saturday 15 May 2010, I had to take her to a very compassionate veterinarian to have her euthanized. 

Think it still is one of the most traumatising experiences in my whole life and I still cry when I think about it.  I see my sadness as a tribute to the great dog Patrys was to me and the rest of my family. 

When my brother broke the news to his girls, Brigitte and Cassandra, they were inconsolable and cried passionately for a good hour.  I found great solace from the girls as they would not mind talking about Patrys and what they miss about her; something that I found hard to do with adults in the same free manner. 

More than that, they wanted to talk about Patrys and what they missed about her and how they miss her. 

Cassandra and Brigitte in the outfits I got them in Chennai

Precious Ashes
Two weeks later I received her ashes and I showed the girls.  Cassandra grabbed it and hugged it to her face with a huge smile and closed eyes; clearly a happy reunion. 

Brigitte, on the other hand, in her quiet way just inspected the little bag of ash and handed it back to me without a word.  

Since then we have had many talks about Patrys, Cascas has been reunited with Patrys’ ashy remains a few time and I find that I don’t miss her every day any more. 

That was until last week when 9-year old Brigitte used Patrysie to teach me a huge life lesson about negative protection.

The Ashes Prt 2

We were driving somewhere and out of the blue Brigitte said she missed Patrys.  My stomach made a flip when she said she thinks of Patrys often because of the way she died. 

After probing a bit, I realised that Brigitte interpreted Patrys’ ashes as a sign that we had her killed by burning her to ashes!!! My poor soft-hearted, deep thinker, pondering Gitte!  Now I understand why she was so quiet when she saw Patrys’ ashes and why she never wanted to see it again like her sister. 

Of course I immediately explained the process of humane euthanasia to her to reassure her that Patrys did not suffer.  I told her how my doggie looked at me as if to ask that I take the pain and feeling garra away and how hard it was for me.  She seemed satisfied and sat quietly, processing the new information; still sad, but not as horrifying as before.  

The Dog Whisperer

Palatable Pain?
It made me think about big picture and detail and age appropriate sharing in real life.  How we tried to make Patrysie’s death palatable for the 6 and 8-year old girls which meant cutting down on details.  We wanted to spare them the pain by shielding them and because of that, we often cause them more pain. 

Now I’m beginning to question how I instinctively deal with difficult and painful things my kids are presented with.  I’m a big fan of the dog whisperer, Cesar Milan and using his methods have done wonders for my other pavement special, Chipi.  More on that another time, though. 

Listen to Daddy's Daddy
The Dog Whisperer believes that dogs (and children) live in the moment and are less concerned about the past or the future than we adults are.  This means that if a dog has been abused before we got him, we are likely to feel sorry for him and treat him like a victim as a result.  In this manner, we trap the dog in dysfunctional behaviour because we expect the dog won’t be able to cope with our expectations or with change!   As soon as the owner change their approach and energy (Cesar loves that word) to calm-assertive, the dog usually changes noticeably! 

I can do it...
I have noticed the same type of dynamic when I do play-therapy with children.  As I’m not the parent, I don’t hold back from setting boundaries, explaining expectations and “pushing” the child to express and digest emotions and information.  I am calm-assertive and just deal with “the moment”. 

But why not with mine?
When I’m with my kids, however, I am afraid I’m going to hurt them or I find it hard to see them hurt by life.  I lose my mindful “in-the-momentness” and are driven by fears of the future (that they will be hurt by me and I will spoil their future) or fears of the past (remembering my undealt-with painful events of the past when I was hurt).  So I try to protect them and I limit their exposure to the natural lows life offers. 

Pain leads to growth
I’m realising that by limiting their exposure to painful things of life, I’m also limiting their ability to grow and cope with life.  I forget that I can help them process and digest the information they are given so they can learn to trust that emotions are not scary or dangerous but are helpful and vital.  So, when I limit their exposure to pain, I’m actually burdening them with my issues. 

We under-estimate them!
I also think we underestimate the ability of children to digest information and emotions.  They are so resilient.  I’ve experienced their bounce-back ability from my interaction in therapy with children.  I’ve seen children who had seen their mothers abused, who had been raped, whose parents got divorced, and who had been physically hurt by their parents digest and process their experiences within a few sessions!  Every time I tell myself I must remember how resilient children are...and every time my kids hurt, I forget it.  Eish. 

Just to reassure you:  I don’t think the indiscriminate age-inappropriate sharing of painful information with children is good either.  I will definitely not tell the gritty information about Patrys’ last moments to Gitte until she needs it or wants more detail.

The point is just to examine how much my own fear of pain is interfering with my ability to foster emotional skills in my kids. 

Obama, the most difficult, influential and powerful job in the world is NOT being the prez of the US – it is being a Good Enough Parent! 

















 

Talking about yourself: Narcissism or a Need to be "seen"?

For years you can get me to blow a gasket by suggesting that psychology encourages "navel gazing", makes people "inwardly focussed" instead of "outwardly focussed" and nonsense like that.  Granted, balance is needed.  One thing I've realised since entering the helping profession is that some people LOOOOVE talking about themselves and will do so without problem if they here you are a psychologist.  I have plenty of sympathy for doctors because I think the same happens to them at  random social events.
 
New person I meet for the 1st time: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Unsuspecting me:  "I'm a psychologist".
New person [with interest]:  "Really!  What am I thinking right now? [In joking manner, but with a look that tells you they're not sure it's really a joke]
Moedelose me:   "No, I bunked the mind-reading class, sorry. [trying to smile but looks like pain grimmace]"
New person [relieved but trying to appear unaffected]:  "hehe.  Well, I'm so glad I met you because I wanted to ask you this about my sister/friend/uncle/son's girlfriend/[insert any fictional relation here]...and then they precede to talk about themselves.

I'm getting better and better in dodging the inevitable "I wanted to ask you..." or "I have been wondering..." but sometimes I'm just not vigilant enough and I still get caught!  I really don't mind being pulled into this type of conversation with friends, but with strangers - Come On People! 

This has made me wonder about our need to talk about ourselves.  When I think about it from my compassionate, empathetic side, I recognise that anyone willing to attempt connection with a (hopefully) trustworthy stranger are in need for connection.  For being seen.  Recently a client told me she missed "being seen" as a child in a busy household where people were happy when the children were seen and not heard.  What she meant was that she wanted an adult to come sit with her, make eye contact and being interested in what she did that day, what she experienced, what she was thinking and what she needed to say.  It didn't happen and today it is very hard for her to trust that people really are interested in "her".  I can relate to that.  I think maybe most of us can.  And I think it's those unmet needs that makes strangers attempt connection with the psychologist-me.  We all just want to connect and be "seen".  It's a human need and it's not being narcissistic and selfish if it's done with at least some self-awareness and willingness to reciprocate.  That's what I think anyway. 

I love this little narcissist test.  Check it out and see if your need to connect is a burden to others or is a legitimate need to be a real person.