My way to win the battle between Black Dog and White Dog

Amazing how things converge.  I’ve complained previously about how I’m being ruled by my enthusiasms to the point of exploding!  Yesterday I attended a training session on statistics and I met another woman there who has been going through exactly the same process as I have. 

She is a great lady: working mom of three in the academic world in a management position until recently.  For anyone who knows the academic world: it’s as cutthroat as any multinational corporation and not for the fainthearted.  She’s fun and very likeable, so no hardcore tough cookie, either.  We could talk a bit about this stage of our lives we’re in and as always, just voicing things helps to process it.

Face the pain

Last night I decided to tackle the issues at hand.  I’ve taken some time the last week to talk to some people about where I’m at and the feedback my friends gave me gave me two insights about myself. The first is that I hardly ever never get to the point where what I’ve done or am is “good enough”. 

There’s always a next milestone and a better, faster way.  Of course, my view of me is also linked to that.  I can always be more patient, gentler, more giving, slower to anger (eish), more more more. 

The next, related, insight was that I keep the never-good-enough fire hot with a negative script.  This script is so automatic, I’m not even aware of it any more.  But it fuels the fire of not-good-enough!

Starve Cujo

I’ve decided to use the two-pronged approach – feed the white dog, starve the black dog.  At the moment, I’m not ever sure what the black dog is being fed, so I’ve started listening to what I tell myself to feed the Black slavering black Cujo.  Every now and then I jot down any Cujo thought I could capture! 

Example

I washed my car this morning.  Beeeeg accomplishment!  But then I started scripting that I should polish the car for it to be a good job. 

“Eish, I’m a bit tired after being in training the whole day and having to catch up with work today so don’t have energy for polishing.  But I have to otherwise the accomplishment of washing my car is wasted. ”  *Disappointment and anger*

 Just putting it down on (virtual) paper helped me see how much pressure I place on myself!  And how defeatist my reasoning is.  So encouraging because I could make a plan.  And loosen the relenting tyranny of “have to’s”.  So, I polished my bonnet, roof and boot.  Enough for today.  Will do the rest (maybe) when I was my car again, probably in July. 

White Dog 1 – Black Dog 0

Feed the White Dog

I’ve found that I can try and be as positive as I want to be, but there is no true transformation if I try to stuff my mind with just plain positive thoughts.  To me there is just no substitute for meditating on the Bible. 

So, to feed the White Dog, this scripture from Phil 4:8 (The Message) is what is hitting the mark at the moment. 

“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”

I’ve read how people call Paul a misogynist and other negative things.  I have nothing but praise for the man.  He was in jail while writing the above and I’m sure he’s learnt the hard way – like I am currently – that this is what is what works.  (I’m using the Message Bible at the moment.  Know it’s not the most accurate translation, but simple language is all I can cope with at the moment.) 

Noble thoughts

Now, I’m not exactly sure yet what meditating on true, noble, authentic etc things really mean, but I like “the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” part.  It captures my mindset at the moment as I’ve been struck hard by the ugly in the world and have been focussing on the curse-worthy things of late.  So, I and my BFF joke about being able to have a noble thought now and then.  Well, she jokes more because I think she’s has more of them at the moment.  I’m still a bit flabberghasted at even thinking up noble things.  Even the Afrikaans word “eerbaar” doesn’t help me understand the concept of noble more.  But its still early in the battle.

The beautiful

The beautiful in my life is very much connected to being creative and my loved ones.  So, made a story book for Big Boy to prepare him for a new nanny and his Nana (current nanny) leaving.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The fact that he loves it made me so happy.  So, have decided that my creative outlet for the time being will be to make more books for Big Boy as he responds really well to being prepared for things through stories. 

His mom has a whole list of needed story areas so no needs analysis needed.  Last night I pencilled the story and illustrations to motivate him to go to sleep at night.  I love the whole process.  Can’t wait for the time later today I allocated to start painting and inking the book.  Think I’ll scan this book and post some of it. 

White Dog 2 – Black Dog 0

All in all had a good morning.  Even though I’m exposing how negative and unrelenting I am, I’m also happy because I am doing something about it.  Hope is a great thing. 

How about giving me some ideas for beautiful things I can meditate on.  Or tell me more about your Black and White dogs.  I’m sure I’m not the only one with this raging war going on inside of me or what?

Have Relationships You can be Proud of Prt 2

Part 2: To avoid or not to avoid:  That’s the question

In part 1, we looked at how some people are genetically wired to cope with emotional discomfort.  This post will give more information about those who avoid emotional pain. 



How to recognise an avoider...bottoms up, fella!



Avoid Why?

When a situation triggers negative thoughts, feelings, images, bodily sensations or meanings, avoiders believe they are not able to cope with this extreme emotional pain resulting from triggered lifetraps. 

Avoid How?

They then distract themselves to avoid the painful feelings that got triggered or they suppress the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that have been triggered. 

Avoid What?

If you avoid, you want to avoid 3 main things:  thoughts, feelings or situations. 

-  Avoid Thoughts

Avoidant people will make an effort not to think of upsetting events or feelings.

Information that is very upsetting to the individual can be shut away so far, the person will actually forget it happened. 

-  Avoid Feelings

Avoidant people will block painful emotions.  This can take place automatically or voluntarily. 

Often avoiders will numb themselves to the feelings to lessen the pain.  Addictions aid in the emotional numbing process.

-  Avoid Situations

Avoiders will do their best to avoid situations in which lifetraps can be triggered; thereby psychological pain is avoided. 

No, dear.  Nothing is wrong...

For example: Your husband seems irritable when he comes home from work. 

Healthy response:  You ask him if he is as irritable as he seems.  You ask him if something's wrong. You give him a welcome hug and ask if he's OK.

Avoidant response:  You leave the room. Or, you start talking about happy things.  Or, you tackle the kids' leftovers.  Or, you pretend he is not irritable. Or, _____________ (fill in the blank).

How much avoidance takes place in your life? 

Answer these questions truthfully to give yourself a rough indication.

Instructions:  How often do these statements apply to you? 

0=I don’t know;

1 = Never;

2 = At least a few times a month;

3=At least a few times a week;

4=At least a few times a day. 

____  I avoid trying new things that I know I will not be excellent in.

____  I find it hard to remember negative experiences.

____  I watch TV to “switch off” from my day.

____  I find it hard to connect with emotions that my friends say I obviously show.

____  I try not to think about things that upset me.

____  I value rationality over emotionality.

____  I withdraw when I’m angry.

____  I smoke/drink alcohol/eat something comforting/watch TV when I get upset.

____  I do retail therapy when I feel upset.

Scoring Instructions: 

Step 1:

Note the number of times you marked 0, 1, 2, 3, and 4.  Generally, if you have more 0s, 1s and 4s, you probably are predominantly an avoider. 

Step 2: 

No, don’t you click that next blog button!  Think about this for longer than you usually would.  Consider the possibility that you might be avoiding uncomfortable feelings and thoughts right now. 

If you are still on this post, you are doing well!  Congratulations.  This is the first step to changing unhealthy avoiding patterns...stay with me...stay with me...

Step 3:

Now say to yourself:  Because of my genetics, I generally avoid uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.  Repeat it until you mean it!

Step 4:

This is the final but most important step.  Talk to a friend, spouse, partner, parent, shrink, dog...anyone!  Just tell someone that you have learnt that you tend to avoid coping with uncomfortable and painful thoughts and emotions. 

Repeat steps 1-4 daily for the rest of your life. 

See, that was easy. 

Part 3 will look at the counterattacking overcompensators, the club yours truly belongs to. 

Another member of Avoiders Anonymous

Have Relationships You can be Proud of

Part 1:  Truth:  painful or not.

Relationships have this nasty way of exposing truths about ourselves that we were not aware of.  Often these truths are uncomfortable (if you’re lucky) and sometimes just plain painful to face. 

What makes a painful truth unpalatable?  I’ve been thinking about it the last week as relationships and circumstances made me see some uncomfortable truths about myself.  I’ve come to the place in my life where it is easier to be surprised by my failings.  Yet, when I least expect it, I learn something new about the way I relate and sometimes, I’m not pleased with how I’ve been doing the relationship thing.  From experience, we can experience truth as painful in two distinct yet different ways:

• You see the big picture: You suddenly see the pattern of how you’ve hurt your relationships; usually it was unintentional.  This is the hardest for me to digest in my own life:  I hate seeing people hurt, especially those I love deeply.  That I caused them hurt…ouch.  Not necessarily a bad thing to see the big picture.
• You see the distorted picture:  Through the years, you developed distorted pictures of the world, other people, relationships and yourself.  For example, you may belief that if you make a mistake you deserve to suffer severe consequences.  Sounds kooky, but most of us have similar unconscious distorted picture.  We call them lifetraps.  When a lifetrap gets triggered, the painful truth about yourself will be much more painful and harder to face than if a truth was not linked to a lifetrap.  Usually not a healthy way to face a painful truth about yourself.  In fact, not even a truth. 

For example:  you have a minor fender bender that is not your fault. 

With a punitiveness lifetrap, you will automatically furious and punish yourself and the person who caused the accident in a way that is way out of proportion to the actual incident.  You may think something like: “You stupid, you were not attentive enough and that’s why it happened!” - Even if you were adequately attentive.  You will do something that is in line with the distorted view you have of yourself, other people, relationships and the world in line with your lifetrap. This is because the punitiveness lifetrap refers to the belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  If you have this lifetrap, you will find it difficult to forgive mistakes in yourself or in others.  You probably find it hard to consider that making mistakes happened because of extenuating circumstances, or you don’t allow for human imperfection, or you may find it hard to empathise with the feelings of others.

If you do not have the punitive lifetrap, you would also be irritated and angry at the inconvenience.  The difference is that you will see the big picture, not the distorted picture.  Your emotions will be in balance with the situation.  It would be a healthier response. 

Coping Responses
There are different ways to respond to the distorted and painful revelations of lifetraps.  It depends on your genetic make-up and you probably have a dominant response, although these responses are also determined by the specific situation, person or lifetrap involved.  These responses are called coping responses. 

• Surrender

If you are a surrenderer, you give in to the message of the lifetrap.  Punitiveness lifetrap says you and others must be harshly punished for allowing the small accident to happen.  You feel depressed, anxious or angry and the feeling remains as you believe you are powerless to change the message of the lifetrap.

• Avoid

If you are an avoider, you find the painful message of the lifetrap too painful to tolerate.  Therefore you will find a way to distract yourself from the painful message of the lifetrap.  You will suppress the emotions that the lifetrap triggered.  You might avoid looking at the bump on your car because it will trigger the punitiveness lifetrap.  Maybe you avoid the discomfort of your punitiveness beliefs by some retail therapy, or a chocolate treat, or maybe some internet porn?  Either way, you will do your best to avoid thinking about the accident because of all the painful messages attached to it.

• Overcompensate

If you overcompensate, you will try your best to disprove the painful message of the lifetrap.   This response style is also called counterattacking, meaning that you counter the painful lifetrap message by attacking it.  If you are an overcompensator, you might scream at the driver of the other vehicle.  It is less painful to scream at others that to accept that you have to punished severely for making a mistake.  The tendency to blame others or make excuses in order to counterattack the lifetrap message about yourself is a hallmark of the overcompensator. 

Some truths about lifetraps and our responses to them:

1. Lifetraps are distorted pictures of reality;
2. Lifetraps are formed when our core needs were not met as we grew up;
3. Lifetraps can range from being very strong to relatively weak;
4. Strong lifetraps will be triggered more often and our responses to these lifetraps will be strong;
5. Lifetraps causes unhealthy responses to neutral situations;
6. Lifetraps make negating life and its challenges very hard;
7. Lifetraps usually causes unresolved conflict in relationships;
8. Lifetraps make you ask:  “Why do I behave the way I do?” and
9. Everyone has lifetraps. 

But there's plenty of hope
Let’s end on a positive note:  When understood, lifetraps can be weakened.  Its effect on your relationships can be minimised and you and your spouse, friends and children will grow much closer.  Relationships can be healthy, but only if lifetraps that cause dysfunctional patterns are faced.