Two ways lack of limits can harm a child

I've been interacting with a few children whose parents don't really
know how to set boundaries with them.  What I find interesting is that the
parents of these kids think they're doing what's best for their children.
They really love them and want what's best for them.  I totally believe
that.  Yet, I see how the lack of boundaries affects their children.

Often I see that the parents feels sorry for their children.  The family
has been through some really hard things and the parents feel guilty because
the children were affected.  However, children often "act out"
when they experienced change or trauma.  They show they are upset by maybe throwing tantrums or breaking things or wetting their bed.  But as the parents feel so sorry for their child, they think correcting negative behaviour will hurt the child even more.  So, on and on this dynamic
go.  Child asks for guidance and help by acting out, parent don’t give guidance and boundaries because child is acting out. 

I always try to explain to children in therapy why they get angry when they are afraid.  It is an attachment behaviour to cry or get angry (depending on the child’s temperament) when a child feels threatened.  When a parent feels too sorry for their child to correct him or her, the child learns that their
attachment behaviour won’t get helpful results.

It can result in two types of behaviours from the child:  a child that withdraws and stops asking for helpful guidance from humans (“I can’t trust you to fulfil my need for guidance so I’ll not depend on you anymore); or a child that becomes clingy and resentful at the same time (I want guidance from you but I’m afraid you won’t get it from you so I get angry at you.  But by getting angry, you might not give me guidance so I must cling to you).  

Lots of other websites and books give ideas on how to set good boundaries.  I’d rather ask you to be sober minded and ask yourself whether you recognise your child’s attachment seeking behaviours.  It will be different for each one of your children, just to make it even easier to be a good-enough parent!  

Do you have a child that gets angry at a sign they need guidance and limits?  Or does your child withdraw, or get sad.  Or show signs of separation anxiety beyond what are considered appropriate for their age? 

Attachment behaviours are not bad...it’s how your child will survive.  But it is up to you to recognise attachment behaviours for what it is: a need for you to fill their core need for stable, predictable boundaries and limits and good guidance.

How NOT to protect your child from harm: Illustrations included

Read another bloglady’s rant about how girl-children and their parents are subtly being influenced to dress little girls like tarts.  I totally agree with her.  A friend commented on Facebook that his 3-year old saw Beyonce jiggling away on TV and said:  “She’s got no pants on.”  He further commented:  “maybe my 3 year old should explain to her that singing about girl dignity without clothes is kinda stupid”

Subtle does it

We’re often not aware enough of these subtle messages we are being bombarded with via the media and fashion buyers!  (A little side-rant:  I’m now in that dark fashion space where clothes in South African shops are either for young adults or for old ladies.  Flippen nothing in-between! Choice:  mutton dressed as lamb or frumpy aunty. Gmf.)  I digress. 

Seeing is believing!

ReluctantMom posted some pictures of examples of how girl-children are being made familiar with “tart-roles”.  I felt really sad at some of the pictures as I don’t think any parent really plan to do their children harm.  Often it is ignorance, lack of training or just stupidity.  Unfortunately, there are more long-term effects to a lack of knowledge or training. Here are more pics I found on-line of parents who make stupid choices with regards to protecting their children from harm.  I'm uncomfortable with posting some of these pictures here because of the obvious lack of respect for women and the emotional safety of children, but here goes... 

Core Needs

I’ve previously mentioned that children have 8 core needs and protection is one of these core needs.  When children are not protected from bad influences by their caregivers, it can lead to all sorts of problems.  I think allowing girl-children to dress beyond their age exposes them to interaction with the opposite gender that are beyond their emotional maturity.  It tells them that the inside-me is not as important as the outside-me.  Probably also that the way to attract attention is through the outside-me.  I’m not going to comment on the messages boys get regarding girls as that is a whole rant on its own.

Help your child choose well

What parents need to remember is that their primary time of influence on their children is relatively short.  By age 13 or so, you’ve lost the time where you are the most important influence.  Then, friends are much more important and will be the main factor in shaping your child’s choices.  If, by then, your child is familiar with unhealthy influences, the chances are good that your child will make unhealthy choices.  I did it.  I’m sure everyone makes stupid choices because friends are doing it too.  If you’ve been able to protect your child adequately by giving her a good, solid base about the importance of self-respect and dignity...well, you’re a good-enough parent then.  Well done.

How to change behaviour in children: A book about sleeping for Big Boy

My 26-month nephew, Big Boy has been throwing his weight around at bed-time.  My sister has been in despair:  “What happened to my sweet little boy” as Big Boy bangs, jumps and screams his disenchantment at Dadda who refuses to continue sharing his bedroom.  The drama continued a few nights only but I decided I’m going to make a second attempt at a little children’s book about wanting to sleep. 

Telling stories to tame the boy

Preparing Big Boy for new events and change by telling stories have proved to be really effective.  He has a slow-to-warm temperament, which means he is slow to approach new situations.  To make new things predictable fill this core need and builds confidence in shy children. 

My previous attempt was to help Big Boy adapt to the new nanny that started last week.  Apparently, he loves the book and that gave me some courage to attempt another book.  Also, I decided that I need to do more creative stuff and painting the illustrations was just the thing, methought. 

Boyfish is his name

The main character in the “We have a new Nana” book was a little fish and Big Boy quickly identified with this little fish.  In the Nana-book, I just called the fish Jonathan (Big Boy’s good name, if I can use Indian vernacular) and Big Boy quickly changed it to Jonathan-fish.  Likewise with the other characters:  Nana-fish, Lily-fish, Mamma-fish, etc.  So, the character in this book had  –fish attached to it. 

The book is about going to sleep so you can climb into your dream - where a boyfish can do anything.  I called it "Let's go to dreamland" but not totally happy with the name. 

Have a lookee

Here are some pages from the book.  It’s amateurish but I’m really proud of it.  Didn’t think I could create something like this.  The words are not 100% in English.  Maybe I should try to write in Afrikaans, my home language after all. 

More to come?

My sister asked me to do some books on emotions at the toddler level.  I know there are many know-your-feelings books around, but I think I want to make something I would like to use in play therapy.  A whole-person approach to feelings and not merely a cognitive approach.  Instead of telling the child, I want to make them connect with emotion in a more holistic manner.  Still in the conceptualisation stage though. 

It feels good

I just love how I can make Big Boy happy while doing something more right-brained for a bit.  What do you think of my book?  Any tips or ideas on how I can improve it? 

Best discovery for Today!

I've been absent for a while.  Had a killer report to complete.  But...I'm Back (in my best Arnie T2 voice.  And btw, now we know what he was up to when T2 was a hit.  Bad boy. But I digress...)

Found this wonderful website which is a social pinboard.  Pinterest allows people to upload pics in all sorts of categories.  You can then create your own pinboard by repinning these ideas under all sorts of categories. 

I found this picture on there and thought it fits nicely in my blog. 

Think some of these things are great ideas although I'm not sure about going to the movies in pjs.   

I love this one the most:  "Remember how really small they are". 

We forget that the world of adults can be very intimidating to children.  It's good to remember how threatening it can be and why we, as parents, are their only safe haven. 

Eish, what a responsibility. 

Also, how special that we are entrusted with these fragile, complex, resilient, unique little blighters. 

Which one is your favourite?  Or which one would you find hard to do? Which ones are impossible?  Make the effort to make a comment, ok? 

I want to change the world, Pinky, and I need YOUR help!

I’ve decided to start a business through which I can funnel all the plans I have for changing society (Ja like the Brain, I want to rule the world, Pinky).

Mainly I want to provide experiential training and workshops (not just head knowledge, eish) to people (parents and non-parents) on things like

• How to talk to your child: Helpful and unhelpful strategies;
• How to discuss parenting issues with your spouse;
• How to play with your child to encourage emotional development;
• How to play with your child to encourage emotional development;
• Managing boundaries with grandparents;
• Explore our world with your child;
• How to enter your child’s world through play;
• Emotional Connectedness: How to and How to NOT;
• Showing empathy to your spouse;
• Anger, Forgiveness and Reconciliation;
• Changing your parenting style;
• The Dreaded D: Age-appropriate, child-specific discipline methods; 
• Core-need specific workshops;
• Why DO I behave the way I do?
• “Reality Testing”: choice of marriage partners for singles;
• “What People Never Tell You about parenthood” parenting preparation; and
• Understanding your child’s temperament.

Obviously this is a long-term vision but the plan is to

  

• Stay with small groups,
• Keep the learning fun but meaningful,
• Make it experiential,
• Include movie therapy along with other training aids,
• Make it cost-effective for people to attend;
• Keep each training session short and shweet; and
• Focus on the concept of togetherness.

Togetherness is the feeling of being close to another person emotionally and physically. It is an emotion which cannot be defined outside of its context, and the reality of such a term is not "knowledge." It is well symbolized by the gesture of holding both hands up, slightly cupped with palms facing each other, and moving them together to create a circle. The other symbol is also when two arms hold each other at the wrist. (Wikipedia). Dibanisa, by the way, is a Xhosa word meaning “to join, connect, combine”.

So, I’ve been pondering on the name for the business, as my poor friends who receive sms’ late night with ideas; Kudos for them as they mostly respond with honest yet kind comments to less than palatable ideas. The idea is the name is meaningful in the SA context but also conveys my idealist dream for this vehicle:

• To be the bevelled mirror that reflects God’s character to the world (thank you N.T.Wright for this wonderful metaphor);
• To bring a bit of the age to come into the present age through building relational connections;
• To prevent the formation of lifetraps in our children; and
• Make some sort of living for myself (I’ve given up the dream to be rich in favour of the desire to be content whether in want or in plenty).

So, I need your help in deciding on a name for this business.  I’ve created a poll to the left of this post, so PLEASE VOTE.  Add comments at the end of the post if you have more suggestions – I’m super open to name ideas. 

Some Pinky and the Brain quotes for other Brain maniacs:

Pinky has kicked him into the cage bars while doing his Russian dance

P: Gee, Brain, what are you doing over there?

B: Pondering your afterlife, Pinky.

(My favourite now...)

B: Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed.

P: I'll try.

To Pinky, while on stilts

B: If I could reach you, I would hurt you.

From "When Mice Ruled the Earth"B: Some mice have more evolving to do than others.

From "The Helpinky Formula"
B: Remember, I'm not just the president of the Small Club for Men, I'm also a mouse planning world domination.

Introducing himself to TV land
B: And I am the Iconoclast, an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer... [whacked on head] but you may call me Noodle Noggin.

P: Egad! You astound me, Brain!
B: That's a simple task, Pinky.

From the end of "Brain's Night Off," after a series of unsuccessful entertainment tripsB: Come, Pinky. We must return to the lab to prepare for tomorrow night.

P: Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
B: The only thing I know how to have any fun doing. Trying to take over the world!

How mommy nearly didn't survive Big Boy's 1st day at school

So the crisis is over.  My sister survived, I survived, Oripha survived and not least of all, little Jonathan (aka Gogga) survived...his first (half) day at crèche. I think he probably had it the easiest of us all.  Maryke started stressing about a year ago already, Oripha hit the stress-point the beginning of 2011 and I only really got it last night, probably because I was so consumed with finishing the preparations for the first Good Enough Parenting workshops.  The workshop went well, but more about that another time. 



Big Boy and Sharks backpack



In preparation for his first day as a Big Boy at school, Gogga has been told he’s going to school.  Maryke’s explained step-by-step what he will do there, his teacher’s name and the first day procedure.  His little book on Barney taking Baby-bop (the baby dino) to school was faithfully read a few times a day.  Poor Gogga even referred to Shelley’s little 5-month old Daniel as Baby-bop; Fully emerged in the going-to-school narrative, our little Big Boy. 



So off this morning, he went.  Dadda Frank got the dirty job of taking him to school and together with his little Sharks backpack (what else?!), off our Big Boy went the Baby-bop route.  He cried a little when Dadda left him there but within an hour was going up to the other big boys and big girls and interacted with them.  So easy when you’re two; so hard when you’re a parent.  Face still red after some abandoning-my-children angst, my sister finally accepted she is on the journey of letting her kids grow older and more independent.  Of course, this was also the day 10-week old Lily chose to be happy at home with Oripha for 3 hours.  Mommy needed the away-from-home time, but it was a bitter-sweet victory for my wonderful sister. 



Regarding preparing a little Big Boy for a daunting new experience:  Maryke made sure she filled the following core needs for Gogga:

·        Guidance and Protection; and

·        Stable base & Predictability.



Proud mom takes Gogga home



Children are born with 8 core needs that need to be adequately (not too much, not too little) met for them to develop without lifetraps.  Gogga’s temperament means that he doesn’t adapt quickly and he is slow to warm up to new situations.  The daily story telling helped Gogga to know what would happen today.  He knew what procedure would be followed and he understood that he will be going back home as well.  From a young age, Maryke would tell Gogga when she left that she is going to be out for a bit but she will be back before he has to take his nap or whatever.  He quickly learnt that she will be back and the intensity of his separation anxiety diminished quickly. He has learnt that he can trust her; she will be back.  Gogga’s mom helped him to be securely attached to him by always being predictable; never making him feel like he was or will be abandoned. It has helped so much with his normal separation anxiety issues the past two years but real dividends showed today. 



So, tomorrow is his first swimming lesson.  Another big obstacle for our slow to warm Big Boy...wonder if his cute little cammo swimsuit will even get wet tomorrow.  And if mommy will survive...