Two ways lack of limits can harm a child

I've been interacting with a few children whose parents don't really
know how to set boundaries with them.  What I find interesting is that the
parents of these kids think they're doing what's best for their children.
They really love them and want what's best for them.  I totally believe
that.  Yet, I see how the lack of boundaries affects their children.

Often I see that the parents feels sorry for their children.  The family
has been through some really hard things and the parents feel guilty because
the children were affected.  However, children often "act out"
when they experienced change or trauma.  They show they are upset by maybe throwing tantrums or breaking things or wetting their bed.  But as the parents feel so sorry for their child, they think correcting negative behaviour will hurt the child even more.  So, on and on this dynamic
go.  Child asks for guidance and help by acting out, parent don’t give guidance and boundaries because child is acting out. 

I always try to explain to children in therapy why they get angry when they are afraid.  It is an attachment behaviour to cry or get angry (depending on the child’s temperament) when a child feels threatened.  When a parent feels too sorry for their child to correct him or her, the child learns that their
attachment behaviour won’t get helpful results.

It can result in two types of behaviours from the child:  a child that withdraws and stops asking for helpful guidance from humans (“I can’t trust you to fulfil my need for guidance so I’ll not depend on you anymore); or a child that becomes clingy and resentful at the same time (I want guidance from you but I’m afraid you won’t get it from you so I get angry at you.  But by getting angry, you might not give me guidance so I must cling to you).  

Lots of other websites and books give ideas on how to set good boundaries.  I’d rather ask you to be sober minded and ask yourself whether you recognise your child’s attachment seeking behaviours.  It will be different for each one of your children, just to make it even easier to be a good-enough parent!  

Do you have a child that gets angry at a sign they need guidance and limits?  Or does your child withdraw, or get sad.  Or show signs of separation anxiety beyond what are considered appropriate for their age? 

Attachment behaviours are not bad...it’s how your child will survive.  But it is up to you to recognise attachment behaviours for what it is: a need for you to fill their core need for stable, predictable boundaries and limits and good guidance.

How to change behaviour in children: A book about sleeping for Big Boy

My 26-month nephew, Big Boy has been throwing his weight around at bed-time.  My sister has been in despair:  “What happened to my sweet little boy” as Big Boy bangs, jumps and screams his disenchantment at Dadda who refuses to continue sharing his bedroom.  The drama continued a few nights only but I decided I’m going to make a second attempt at a little children’s book about wanting to sleep. 

Telling stories to tame the boy

Preparing Big Boy for new events and change by telling stories have proved to be really effective.  He has a slow-to-warm temperament, which means he is slow to approach new situations.  To make new things predictable fill this core need and builds confidence in shy children. 

My previous attempt was to help Big Boy adapt to the new nanny that started last week.  Apparently, he loves the book and that gave me some courage to attempt another book.  Also, I decided that I need to do more creative stuff and painting the illustrations was just the thing, methought. 

Boyfish is his name

The main character in the “We have a new Nana” book was a little fish and Big Boy quickly identified with this little fish.  In the Nana-book, I just called the fish Jonathan (Big Boy’s good name, if I can use Indian vernacular) and Big Boy quickly changed it to Jonathan-fish.  Likewise with the other characters:  Nana-fish, Lily-fish, Mamma-fish, etc.  So, the character in this book had  –fish attached to it. 

The book is about going to sleep so you can climb into your dream - where a boyfish can do anything.  I called it "Let's go to dreamland" but not totally happy with the name. 

Have a lookee

Here are some pages from the book.  It’s amateurish but I’m really proud of it.  Didn’t think I could create something like this.  The words are not 100% in English.  Maybe I should try to write in Afrikaans, my home language after all. 

More to come?

My sister asked me to do some books on emotions at the toddler level.  I know there are many know-your-feelings books around, but I think I want to make something I would like to use in play therapy.  A whole-person approach to feelings and not merely a cognitive approach.  Instead of telling the child, I want to make them connect with emotion in a more holistic manner.  Still in the conceptualisation stage though. 

It feels good

I just love how I can make Big Boy happy while doing something more right-brained for a bit.  What do you think of my book?  Any tips or ideas on how I can improve it? 

How mommy nearly didn't survive Big Boy's 1st day at school

So the crisis is over.  My sister survived, I survived, Oripha survived and not least of all, little Jonathan (aka Gogga) survived...his first (half) day at crèche. I think he probably had it the easiest of us all.  Maryke started stressing about a year ago already, Oripha hit the stress-point the beginning of 2011 and I only really got it last night, probably because I was so consumed with finishing the preparations for the first Good Enough Parenting workshops.  The workshop went well, but more about that another time. 



Big Boy and Sharks backpack



In preparation for his first day as a Big Boy at school, Gogga has been told he’s going to school.  Maryke’s explained step-by-step what he will do there, his teacher’s name and the first day procedure.  His little book on Barney taking Baby-bop (the baby dino) to school was faithfully read a few times a day.  Poor Gogga even referred to Shelley’s little 5-month old Daniel as Baby-bop; Fully emerged in the going-to-school narrative, our little Big Boy. 



So off this morning, he went.  Dadda Frank got the dirty job of taking him to school and together with his little Sharks backpack (what else?!), off our Big Boy went the Baby-bop route.  He cried a little when Dadda left him there but within an hour was going up to the other big boys and big girls and interacted with them.  So easy when you’re two; so hard when you’re a parent.  Face still red after some abandoning-my-children angst, my sister finally accepted she is on the journey of letting her kids grow older and more independent.  Of course, this was also the day 10-week old Lily chose to be happy at home with Oripha for 3 hours.  Mommy needed the away-from-home time, but it was a bitter-sweet victory for my wonderful sister. 



Regarding preparing a little Big Boy for a daunting new experience:  Maryke made sure she filled the following core needs for Gogga:

·        Guidance and Protection; and

·        Stable base & Predictability.



Proud mom takes Gogga home



Children are born with 8 core needs that need to be adequately (not too much, not too little) met for them to develop without lifetraps.  Gogga’s temperament means that he doesn’t adapt quickly and he is slow to warm up to new situations.  The daily story telling helped Gogga to know what would happen today.  He knew what procedure would be followed and he understood that he will be going back home as well.  From a young age, Maryke would tell Gogga when she left that she is going to be out for a bit but she will be back before he has to take his nap or whatever.  He quickly learnt that she will be back and the intensity of his separation anxiety diminished quickly. He has learnt that he can trust her; she will be back.  Gogga’s mom helped him to be securely attached to him by always being predictable; never making him feel like he was or will be abandoned. It has helped so much with his normal separation anxiety issues the past two years but real dividends showed today. 



So, tomorrow is his first swimming lesson.  Another big obstacle for our slow to warm Big Boy...wonder if his cute little cammo swimsuit will even get wet tomorrow.  And if mommy will survive...