My way to win the battle between Black Dog and White Dog

Amazing how things converge.  I’ve complained previously about how I’m being ruled by my enthusiasms to the point of exploding!  Yesterday I attended a training session on statistics and I met another woman there who has been going through exactly the same process as I have. 

She is a great lady: working mom of three in the academic world in a management position until recently.  For anyone who knows the academic world: it’s as cutthroat as any multinational corporation and not for the fainthearted.  She’s fun and very likeable, so no hardcore tough cookie, either.  We could talk a bit about this stage of our lives we’re in and as always, just voicing things helps to process it.

Face the pain

Last night I decided to tackle the issues at hand.  I’ve taken some time the last week to talk to some people about where I’m at and the feedback my friends gave me gave me two insights about myself. The first is that I hardly ever never get to the point where what I’ve done or am is “good enough”. 

There’s always a next milestone and a better, faster way.  Of course, my view of me is also linked to that.  I can always be more patient, gentler, more giving, slower to anger (eish), more more more. 

The next, related, insight was that I keep the never-good-enough fire hot with a negative script.  This script is so automatic, I’m not even aware of it any more.  But it fuels the fire of not-good-enough!

Starve Cujo

I’ve decided to use the two-pronged approach – feed the white dog, starve the black dog.  At the moment, I’m not ever sure what the black dog is being fed, so I’ve started listening to what I tell myself to feed the Black slavering black Cujo.  Every now and then I jot down any Cujo thought I could capture! 

Example

I washed my car this morning.  Beeeeg accomplishment!  But then I started scripting that I should polish the car for it to be a good job. 

“Eish, I’m a bit tired after being in training the whole day and having to catch up with work today so don’t have energy for polishing.  But I have to otherwise the accomplishment of washing my car is wasted. ”  *Disappointment and anger*

 Just putting it down on (virtual) paper helped me see how much pressure I place on myself!  And how defeatist my reasoning is.  So encouraging because I could make a plan.  And loosen the relenting tyranny of “have to’s”.  So, I polished my bonnet, roof and boot.  Enough for today.  Will do the rest (maybe) when I was my car again, probably in July. 

White Dog 1 – Black Dog 0

Feed the White Dog

I’ve found that I can try and be as positive as I want to be, but there is no true transformation if I try to stuff my mind with just plain positive thoughts.  To me there is just no substitute for meditating on the Bible. 

So, to feed the White Dog, this scripture from Phil 4:8 (The Message) is what is hitting the mark at the moment. 

“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”

I’ve read how people call Paul a misogynist and other negative things.  I have nothing but praise for the man.  He was in jail while writing the above and I’m sure he’s learnt the hard way – like I am currently – that this is what is what works.  (I’m using the Message Bible at the moment.  Know it’s not the most accurate translation, but simple language is all I can cope with at the moment.) 

Noble thoughts

Now, I’m not exactly sure yet what meditating on true, noble, authentic etc things really mean, but I like “the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” part.  It captures my mindset at the moment as I’ve been struck hard by the ugly in the world and have been focussing on the curse-worthy things of late.  So, I and my BFF joke about being able to have a noble thought now and then.  Well, she jokes more because I think she’s has more of them at the moment.  I’m still a bit flabberghasted at even thinking up noble things.  Even the Afrikaans word “eerbaar” doesn’t help me understand the concept of noble more.  But its still early in the battle.

The beautiful

The beautiful in my life is very much connected to being creative and my loved ones.  So, made a story book for Big Boy to prepare him for a new nanny and his Nana (current nanny) leaving.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The fact that he loves it made me so happy.  So, have decided that my creative outlet for the time being will be to make more books for Big Boy as he responds really well to being prepared for things through stories. 

His mom has a whole list of needed story areas so no needs analysis needed.  Last night I pencilled the story and illustrations to motivate him to go to sleep at night.  I love the whole process.  Can’t wait for the time later today I allocated to start painting and inking the book.  Think I’ll scan this book and post some of it. 

White Dog 2 – Black Dog 0

All in all had a good morning.  Even though I’m exposing how negative and unrelenting I am, I’m also happy because I am doing something about it.  Hope is a great thing. 

How about giving me some ideas for beautiful things I can meditate on.  Or tell me more about your Black and White dogs.  I’m sure I’m not the only one with this raging war going on inside of me or what?

A suggestion to make living with guilt tolerable

Was chatting with my sis about the constant guilt mothers have about not being a good enough mother.  She recently went back to work after having Lily.  Not big trainsmash, since she works from home.  Yet, she still feels guilt because she feels grateful has an excuse to be away from Lily for a bit. 

Introverts need some time on their own
To me it makes a lot of sense.  She's an introvert, which means interaction with people drains her emotional energy.  Being alone recharges her emotional energy.  Anyway, nothing drains your energy like a child!  I'm an extrovert and gets energy from interaction with people and I get sucked dry from interaction with children!

So anyhow.  The guilt comes from ideas about what a good mother should and should not do.  Good mothers are supposed to want to be with their children, don't they?  Good mothers shouldn't want a break from their little jewels, should they?  Good mothers never want to give their children Neurophen so they would sleep through one night - just one night!

The tyranny of shoulds
Our society indoctrinates us with all sorts of subtle strange ideas.  Interesting how these subtle standards are just sooo unrelenting and sooo unrealistic.  It makes us unhappy because we can NEVER fulfil the expectations of these standards.  Nobody does.  Almost everybody tries to.  Lots pretend they are happy living according to these "shoulds". 

What do we get from living under the tyranny of shoulds? 
Depression, stress, shouting at kids, needing that glass of wine in the evenings, fighting with husbands, "headache" every night just before it's time for bed, chocolate. 

Crazy making shoulds
Living under the tyranny of shoulds is a constant crazy-making game. 

It's like feeling ok about yourself only after you've lost the last 5kgs.  Or after the next promotion.  Or after buying the bigger car.  Or after your husband changes this...or that. 

Not guilt-free
I'm not proposing that you will be able to live without guilt at all.  Guilt is good when it leads to a change in thinking and behaviour.  Good guilt leads to clarity and refreshment.  Think of the last time you were first to apologise for starting a fight.  How good it felt to know that you did wrong but could mend the wounds with an apology.  That's good guilt. 

Free from inappropriate guilt
What I suggest is that you realise guilt induced by unrealistic, unrelenting "they will think" or "I should" thinking are inappropriate guilt.

It is inappropriate because it is built on inhumane building blocks.  On building blocks that expect perfection.  And even worse, undefined perfection! All you know about this vague standard is that you'll never reach it; you'll always fall short. 

You will only be a good enough mother when you ... (fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).  
You will only be a good enough wife when you....(fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).
Your husband will be good enough when he...(fill in the vague and unrealistic blank).
You will feel happy in your skin only when you...(fill in vague or unrealistic blank).

Really?  Said who?
Ask yourself:  Who taught me this?  Who said it should be?  It this standard realistic?  Is it good for me?  Is it good for those around me? 

If trying to live according to this standard is causing unhealthy reactions, it probably not good for you, your children, your relationships or your health.   

My suggestion

1. Make a list of all these unrealistic and vague expectations that rules your sanity. 
2. Then, formulate a more realistic expectation.  This is often the difficult part and it may help to chat to friends about it.  You'll be surprised how many similarities you'll have with your friends when it comes to unrealistic and vague OK-ness.
3. Then formulate a plan.  Make sure your plan is specific and realistic!  You might have to think outside the box a bit to find a practical solution to make your plan work. 

An example could be: 

1. Unrealistic expectation:  To be a good mother, I should always like to be with my children. 
2. More realistic expectation:  As a good mother, I need a break from them at least 30 minutes a day. 
3. Plan:  I will train my children that if the "mommy's taking a break" sign is on the door, they are not allowed to come in OR stand by the door knocking and yelling at the top of their voices about how their brother/sister is doing this or that / not doing this or that! (this is obviously for older children)

It might take a bit of training and boundary setting to get your plan to work.  Remember, you are working with trainable little minds, so just stick to it.  (Easier said than done, I know.)

The bottom line
You are not expected to live under the tyranny of any unrealistic and vague "should" to be a good enough mother.  So, show yourself some respect and kindness and start your fight against this tyranny. 

You really are allowed to.  Promise.

Which of the "shoulds" are causing you the most inappropriate guilt?
What effects does these unrealistic and vague expectations have in your life?
Which decisions have you made after reading this article?
Tell me in the comments section below. 

I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood

My sister and a good friend, Liselle have made it their mission in life to educate prospective parents what parenthood really is like!  I'm so over watching Oprah, but she had one show I enjoyed:  Motherhood Secrets where mothers share all sorts of funny and sobering confessions about their own journey.  Like the one mother who used maxi pads when she ran out of diapers - and found it worked really well. Whahahaha!  Think it might be cheaper than diapers. 

There's another myth:  that motherhood has to be a natural, free-flowing instinct.  Think it might actually be counter-intuitive.  One of Oprah's guests, Vicky said "the most surprising thing about motherhood was that she didn't feel maternal right away. "I swore to God that the moment my daughter issued forth from my loins that ... my life would finally be complete and I would finally know my purpose. It was not like that," she says. "I couldn't get her to sleep. I couldn't get her to stop crying. I completely believed that I was the only woman in the history of time who did not have the maternal gene, and I thought I was completely alone." Four years later, Vicki says she's just now getting the hang of it." Wonder how many others felt that way?  I've certainly heard a number of women share similar sentiments.  One friend thought she would recognise her son when he was born and was disappointed when he was a stranger.  Took her about a week to get used to him being her son.  Go read some more and feel better about your own bewildering parent moments. 

I wonder how dads feel about being a parent?  I remember my brother-in-law telling me how one morning 2am, him and my sister sat with a screaming baby and promised one another that they're never doing this again.  Needless to say, they now have a new 2-month old baby.  Like my sister said:  "The 1st one didn't die due to my lack of parenting skills, so felt much more confident about having a 2nd one."  And she certainly is about 99% more relaxed the 2nd time around. 

Maryke (my wise and much love sister) told me about the book that is the title of this post:  I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood. 

The author shares these tips to parents who are too hard on themselves about being a "perfect parent":

7 Steps to Getting a Grip on Judgment

• Start to become aware of the moments when you negatively judge yourself.
• Strive for your own personal best instead of 100 percent perfect.
• Open yourself up to recognizing good-mom moments. Even the small things—like spending ten minutes of one-on-one time or reading a book together—matter.
• When you're about to judge someone or yourself, ask why you're doing it. One mom told us that she decided to say judge every time she had a judgmental thought. She was surprised at how often that was.
• If you find yourself judging someone, try to put yourself in that mom's position and look at the issue from her perspective.
• Let go of judgments of others on what's come to be known as "normal."
• Make sure your support system is working for you. As one mom put it, "it's not a real moms' group unless someone's crying."

I googled the title and came across a blog written by 4 women, who between them have 10 boys (shame, hey).  I was a better mom before I had kids.    Beth-Ann Jones had a list of things she would never do as a parent:

"For those of you without kids (who just read over this list with the same bravado that I once had):  read my top ten “Before I Had Kids” list and memorize it.  It will come back to haunt you.
Before I had kids I was . . .

1. Never going to let my kids sleep in my bed.
2. Never going to allow the T.V. to be on while we ate meals.
3. Never going to bribe my children to be on their best behaviour.
4. Never going to applaud/cheer when my child peed in the toilet.
5. Never going to allow my kids to have a dirty face, dirty hands or wear dirty clothes in public.
6. Never going to leave the house looking like a disheveled mess (i.e. hair a mess, track pants, no make-up, etc.)
7. Never going to use the T.V. as a babysitter so I could: a) have a shower b) talk on the phone c) do anything else for myself.
8. Never going to lose my cool during a temper tantrum.
9. Never going to feed my children anything less than the healthiest, most organic, delicious food.
10. Never going to give them a B.S. answer to any of their questions, no matter how challenging the answer would be, no matter how uncomfortable I would be, no matter how long the conversation needed to go on."

 She asked for responses at the end of her post:  "To all of you mothers and fathers, what are some of the things you promised you would never do as a parent that you have found yourself doing since having children?" and had 530 responses!  Go read it, some of them are very funny and some poignant.  And some share how surprised they are that there children emerged relatively normal after being parented by them!  Supports my belief that (most) parents really don't wake up each morning with the idea to mess up their kids. 
 
Are there some things you never thought you wanted to do as a parent that you are doing?  There aren't many followers yet to the blog, but I would love to hear what you have learnt as a parent.  I need to think about my list and will post it soon.