Two ways lack of limits can harm a child

I've been interacting with a few children whose parents don't really
know how to set boundaries with them.  What I find interesting is that the
parents of these kids think they're doing what's best for their children.
They really love them and want what's best for them.  I totally believe
that.  Yet, I see how the lack of boundaries affects their children.

Often I see that the parents feels sorry for their children.  The family
has been through some really hard things and the parents feel guilty because
the children were affected.  However, children often "act out"
when they experienced change or trauma.  They show they are upset by maybe throwing tantrums or breaking things or wetting their bed.  But as the parents feel so sorry for their child, they think correcting negative behaviour will hurt the child even more.  So, on and on this dynamic
go.  Child asks for guidance and help by acting out, parent don’t give guidance and boundaries because child is acting out. 

I always try to explain to children in therapy why they get angry when they are afraid.  It is an attachment behaviour to cry or get angry (depending on the child’s temperament) when a child feels threatened.  When a parent feels too sorry for their child to correct him or her, the child learns that their
attachment behaviour won’t get helpful results.

It can result in two types of behaviours from the child:  a child that withdraws and stops asking for helpful guidance from humans (“I can’t trust you to fulfil my need for guidance so I’ll not depend on you anymore); or a child that becomes clingy and resentful at the same time (I want guidance from you but I’m afraid you won’t get it from you so I get angry at you.  But by getting angry, you might not give me guidance so I must cling to you).  

Lots of other websites and books give ideas on how to set good boundaries.  I’d rather ask you to be sober minded and ask yourself whether you recognise your child’s attachment seeking behaviours.  It will be different for each one of your children, just to make it even easier to be a good-enough parent!  

Do you have a child that gets angry at a sign they need guidance and limits?  Or does your child withdraw, or get sad.  Or show signs of separation anxiety beyond what are considered appropriate for their age? 

Attachment behaviours are not bad...it’s how your child will survive.  But it is up to you to recognise attachment behaviours for what it is: a need for you to fill their core need for stable, predictable boundaries and limits and good guidance.

Poo is important!

A few incidents with kids and poo made me want to write a bit about it.  Little weird? Think we adults have been trained to dislike poo too much.  And really, what's to like? 



celebrating poo!

Poo is goood

But poo is very important to a 2 to 3 year old.  My little friend, 30 month old Hannah, now knows all the organs in the digestive tract.  She particularly loves the colon cause that's where the poo is.  My niece, 4 month old Lily did an untimely #2 in the bath the other day.  Her 24 month brother Big Boy was a little shocked but also impressed.  And there's certainly a reason why Winnie's a Pooh-bear!

Good ole Freud
Freud was the first to make an issue out of kids and pooh.  His theory of psycho-sexual development described the Anal stage.  That is when 1 to 3 year olds get most of their "psychological energy" (I'm trying to make Freud sound a little less weird) from learning to control their pee and poo.  I know people don't like that the word "sexual" is connected to children, but this "sexual" refers more to a type of energy than to what we adults think of as "sexual", OK? 

Poo-pooing
Freud went on to say that the way parents handle toilet training is strongly connected to whether a child feels shame or accomplishment.  He linked anxiety-type personality traits to rigid, punitive toilet training.  Not sure how accurate that is.  What I do know is that children LOVE poo. 

Poo is power!
I think it has to do with how powerless they feel amidst powerful adults in a huge world.  Being able to produce something from your own body must be amazing if you feel powerless.  And to get that bit of autonomy and sense of "self" is one step in that journey of growing up. 

Poo punishment
Sometimes children use pee and poo to punish people.  I have heard of children that would poo inappropriately to show their disdain with parents.  To show that they don't agree.  In that sense, being able to hold back and produce poo at will is a way to have a little bit of control in relationships. 

poo=happy with friends

Constipation with a purpose
Amazing that not wanting to give poo often is to do with a child who feels helpless, angry or depressed.  A little client I had would always have a poo accident during play therapy.  She was raped and severely neglected in her first two years of life and didn't know how to appropriately attach to people. During play therapy, she started to gain control over relationships again.  She showed this by "giving" poo to me.  Fortunately she was old enough to do the toilet thing herself.  I'm not that good with "receiving" poo. 

Poo has energy?
Another child development theorist, Melanie Klein, often talked about the child "flinging faeces at the parent".  Not really flinging it, but trying to show some independence and control.  So, flinging refers to the psychological energy behind the act of pooing and how it sometimes is used to punish or show disdain. 

Poo Power

So, the journey of becoming aware of pee and poo is not just about being potty trained (and saving money on nappies - although an important consideration sometime!)  It is really about your child taking significant steps in her perception of accomplishment and sense of autonomy.  On the other hand, if not handled correctly, it could be your child’s introduction to anxiety and shame.

Yes, poo is important!

Tell me some of your kids' poo-stories. 

How mommy nearly didn't survive Big Boy's 1st day at school

So the crisis is over.  My sister survived, I survived, Oripha survived and not least of all, little Jonathan (aka Gogga) survived...his first (half) day at crèche. I think he probably had it the easiest of us all.  Maryke started stressing about a year ago already, Oripha hit the stress-point the beginning of 2011 and I only really got it last night, probably because I was so consumed with finishing the preparations for the first Good Enough Parenting workshops.  The workshop went well, but more about that another time. 



Big Boy and Sharks backpack



In preparation for his first day as a Big Boy at school, Gogga has been told he’s going to school.  Maryke’s explained step-by-step what he will do there, his teacher’s name and the first day procedure.  His little book on Barney taking Baby-bop (the baby dino) to school was faithfully read a few times a day.  Poor Gogga even referred to Shelley’s little 5-month old Daniel as Baby-bop; Fully emerged in the going-to-school narrative, our little Big Boy. 



So off this morning, he went.  Dadda Frank got the dirty job of taking him to school and together with his little Sharks backpack (what else?!), off our Big Boy went the Baby-bop route.  He cried a little when Dadda left him there but within an hour was going up to the other big boys and big girls and interacted with them.  So easy when you’re two; so hard when you’re a parent.  Face still red after some abandoning-my-children angst, my sister finally accepted she is on the journey of letting her kids grow older and more independent.  Of course, this was also the day 10-week old Lily chose to be happy at home with Oripha for 3 hours.  Mommy needed the away-from-home time, but it was a bitter-sweet victory for my wonderful sister. 



Regarding preparing a little Big Boy for a daunting new experience:  Maryke made sure she filled the following core needs for Gogga:

·        Guidance and Protection; and

·        Stable base & Predictability.



Proud mom takes Gogga home



Children are born with 8 core needs that need to be adequately (not too much, not too little) met for them to develop without lifetraps.  Gogga’s temperament means that he doesn’t adapt quickly and he is slow to warm up to new situations.  The daily story telling helped Gogga to know what would happen today.  He knew what procedure would be followed and he understood that he will be going back home as well.  From a young age, Maryke would tell Gogga when she left that she is going to be out for a bit but she will be back before he has to take his nap or whatever.  He quickly learnt that she will be back and the intensity of his separation anxiety diminished quickly. He has learnt that he can trust her; she will be back.  Gogga’s mom helped him to be securely attached to him by always being predictable; never making him feel like he was or will be abandoned. It has helped so much with his normal separation anxiety issues the past two years but real dividends showed today. 



So, tomorrow is his first swimming lesson.  Another big obstacle for our slow to warm Big Boy...wonder if his cute little cammo swimsuit will even get wet tomorrow.  And if mommy will survive...