Are you in a self-defeating relationship?

Previously I’ve posted about bad relationship chemistry and how we tend to gravitate towards negative relationship patterns because we love the familiar, even if it’s unhealthy!  Often, we believe we deserve the unhealthy because of our own lifetraps.  A lifetrap is like a pair of glasses through which we see a distorted view of the world.  But because we’ve always had this pair of glasses, we think our distorted view is how things really are.  This distorted view relates to how we look at ourselves, how we perceive others and relationships and the world as a whole. 

For example:  Betty grew up in a home where her dad loved her but never showed it.  He was a quiet man who mostly tinkered in his workshop or read his newspaper.  When she tried to get his attention, he would get irritated with her.  Betty’s lifetrap glasses could make her world look like this:

·      Self:  I’m boring and not interesting enough to get attention from men.  My emotional needs are irritating.  I’m likely to be rejected if I make my needs known.

·      Others/relationships:  I can’t expect other’s to want to meet my emotional needs.  I should not bother others with my needs.

·      The world:  Rejecting; cold.

Betty therefore believes there is something wrong with her because she was not enough to warrant attention from her dad.  Her needs are not as important as her father’s needs and she believes that if she asks for emotional needs to be met, she will be rejected.  This then just confirms that there is something wrong with her.  She has learnt that love means that your emotional needs are not as important as what the other person wants.  Asking for emotional nurturance or guidance will mean you will probably be rejected as if you’re irritating.  This lifetrap tells her that this must mean that there is something wrong with her needs and emotions...and with her as a person.

These are the lifetraps of Emotional Deprivation and Shame/Defectiveness. 

How does this influence the type of relationships Betty gets involved in?  You’ve probably guessed.  Because she thinks her emotional needs are less important than those of others, she suppresses her needs.  She gets attracted to strong, quiet men, just like her dad.   They make her feel safe, because they’re not emotional or insecure.  However, they also don’t like it when she gets “uncontrolled” and emotional.  They tell her she is “needy” when she wants emotional reassurance or nurturance, just like her dad did.  They sometimes look at her like she’s crazy when she expresses strong needs or emotions – just like her dad. 

Betty has fallen into a relationship pattern of lifetrap chemistry.  She believes her emotional needs are not valid and therefore she is attracted to men who treat her in a way that confirms her beliefs; men who are rejecting of emotional needs and emotionally distant like her dad.  To avoid being rejected she suppresses her needs and emotions and focuses on being sensitive to his needs, maybe in the hope that if she’s giving enough he will return the favour.  Of course, he has his own lifetraps and he never learns from her.  The more emotionally demanding she becomes, the more rejecting he becomes.  This dynamic confirms all her beliefs:  I’m not allowed to have needs.  My needs are not OK.  I will be rejected by others if I’m real and vulnerable. 

It really is a vicious circle.

It is interesting, however, how much sexual chemistry is involved when there are really toxic lifetrap chemistry going on.  Nowadays, being attracted to a partner or having sexual chemistry seems to be a deciding factor with partner selection.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, this chemistry is often based on lifetrap chemistry.  Bad chemistry that will create more trouble than it’s worth. 

This is my pet cringe:  new very-much-in-love couples who radiate lifetrap chemistry.  I feel like the prophet of doom when I recognise it and I usually keep quiet.  But it doesn’t feel great when I later see the emotional turmoil involved in this relationship.  Painful, actually because I know that it can be prevented or resolved.  Either way requires confronting the self and taking responsibility for your own beliefs and actions.  That’s also difficult, which is why most people choose to carry on with the familiar pattern.  Better the devil you know, hey?

Do you have a pattern of lifetrap chemistry relationships?  What has been the effect on your life?  What beliefs about yourself and relationships drives these bad chemistry relationships? 

My way to win the battle between Black Dog and White Dog

Amazing how things converge.  I’ve complained previously about how I’m being ruled by my enthusiasms to the point of exploding!  Yesterday I attended a training session on statistics and I met another woman there who has been going through exactly the same process as I have. 

She is a great lady: working mom of three in the academic world in a management position until recently.  For anyone who knows the academic world: it’s as cutthroat as any multinational corporation and not for the fainthearted.  She’s fun and very likeable, so no hardcore tough cookie, either.  We could talk a bit about this stage of our lives we’re in and as always, just voicing things helps to process it.

Face the pain

Last night I decided to tackle the issues at hand.  I’ve taken some time the last week to talk to some people about where I’m at and the feedback my friends gave me gave me two insights about myself. The first is that I hardly ever never get to the point where what I’ve done or am is “good enough”. 

There’s always a next milestone and a better, faster way.  Of course, my view of me is also linked to that.  I can always be more patient, gentler, more giving, slower to anger (eish), more more more. 

The next, related, insight was that I keep the never-good-enough fire hot with a negative script.  This script is so automatic, I’m not even aware of it any more.  But it fuels the fire of not-good-enough!

Starve Cujo

I’ve decided to use the two-pronged approach – feed the white dog, starve the black dog.  At the moment, I’m not ever sure what the black dog is being fed, so I’ve started listening to what I tell myself to feed the Black slavering black Cujo.  Every now and then I jot down any Cujo thought I could capture! 

Example

I washed my car this morning.  Beeeeg accomplishment!  But then I started scripting that I should polish the car for it to be a good job. 

“Eish, I’m a bit tired after being in training the whole day and having to catch up with work today so don’t have energy for polishing.  But I have to otherwise the accomplishment of washing my car is wasted. ”  *Disappointment and anger*

 Just putting it down on (virtual) paper helped me see how much pressure I place on myself!  And how defeatist my reasoning is.  So encouraging because I could make a plan.  And loosen the relenting tyranny of “have to’s”.  So, I polished my bonnet, roof and boot.  Enough for today.  Will do the rest (maybe) when I was my car again, probably in July. 

White Dog 1 – Black Dog 0

Feed the White Dog

I’ve found that I can try and be as positive as I want to be, but there is no true transformation if I try to stuff my mind with just plain positive thoughts.  To me there is just no substitute for meditating on the Bible. 

So, to feed the White Dog, this scripture from Phil 4:8 (The Message) is what is hitting the mark at the moment. 

“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”

I’ve read how people call Paul a misogynist and other negative things.  I have nothing but praise for the man.  He was in jail while writing the above and I’m sure he’s learnt the hard way – like I am currently – that this is what is what works.  (I’m using the Message Bible at the moment.  Know it’s not the most accurate translation, but simple language is all I can cope with at the moment.) 

Noble thoughts

Now, I’m not exactly sure yet what meditating on true, noble, authentic etc things really mean, but I like “the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” part.  It captures my mindset at the moment as I’ve been struck hard by the ugly in the world and have been focussing on the curse-worthy things of late.  So, I and my BFF joke about being able to have a noble thought now and then.  Well, she jokes more because I think she’s has more of them at the moment.  I’m still a bit flabberghasted at even thinking up noble things.  Even the Afrikaans word “eerbaar” doesn’t help me understand the concept of noble more.  But its still early in the battle.

The beautiful

The beautiful in my life is very much connected to being creative and my loved ones.  So, made a story book for Big Boy to prepare him for a new nanny and his Nana (current nanny) leaving.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The fact that he loves it made me so happy.  So, have decided that my creative outlet for the time being will be to make more books for Big Boy as he responds really well to being prepared for things through stories. 

His mom has a whole list of needed story areas so no needs analysis needed.  Last night I pencilled the story and illustrations to motivate him to go to sleep at night.  I love the whole process.  Can’t wait for the time later today I allocated to start painting and inking the book.  Think I’ll scan this book and post some of it. 

White Dog 2 – Black Dog 0

All in all had a good morning.  Even though I’m exposing how negative and unrelenting I am, I’m also happy because I am doing something about it.  Hope is a great thing. 

How about giving me some ideas for beautiful things I can meditate on.  Or tell me more about your Black and White dogs.  I’m sure I’m not the only one with this raging war going on inside of me or what?

Is your relationship based on bad chemistry?

Something I've been noticing recently:  bad chemistry between partners is most often the source of unresolved conflict in relationships!  What I mean by bad chemistry is that one can be seriously attracted to a person that is least able to fill your emotional needs.  Needless to say; it makes for some serious unhealthy dynamics.

 

What do I mean?

Say I'm someone whose parents were able to fill all my physical needs like food, a roof over my head and education.  But my parents were not able to fulfil my emotional needs.  We never spoke about emotions and nobody ever asked me how I'm feeling or how something affected me emotionally.  I then probably have a lifetrap of Emotional Deprivation.  I will constantly feel a sense of emptiness inside can only be filled by someone else.  Sometimes I'll comfort eat to try and fill that trench.  Or I can become clingy and over-demanding for attention.

My chemistry

Being loved to me thus involves being in an emotionally depriving environment.  It isn't pleasant, but it is familiar.  It is a common thing about us humans; we're more often revert back to the familiar instead of the healthy. 

So, I meet a boy.  Due to his background, he is not able to fill emotional needs.  He can't provide emotional comfort or emotional nurturance in a healthy manner.  Logic will tell me to avoid!  But my lifetrap chemistry recognises the familiarity in this relationship.  So, I'll be attracted to a person who can't fill my emotional needs.  I will be attracted to someone who is emotionally depriving.

Can it be true?

Yup, unfortunately.  There is obviously something in me that could trigger my boy's own lifetraps.  More bad chemistry.  Maybe I am emotionally very giving with the hope that it will show him how to give emotionally.  But, sadly, this hardly ever works this way.  Maybe he has a lifetrap that says he and other people are not supposed to show strong emotion.  I interpret that as strength and like it.  But, of course, it isn't strength.  It is resistance against giving emotional support and nurturance. More a weakness than a strength.

And then?

In the relationship, I will demand emotional support.  He will resist giving emotional support, interpreting emotions as "bad".  My inner trench gets deeper.  I get very emotional.  He tells me to "not feel that way" or "get yourself together".  Or simply stares at me with disapproving surprise the more I cry or rave or throw a fuzzy.  You get the point.  It is a self-defeating vortex.

Why do I do this to myself?

Of course, nobody chooses to enter relationships based on bad chemistry.  These bad chemistry attractions happen outside of conscious awareness.  Remember that we are more attracted to what is familiar than what is healthy.  And that euphoric in lurve feeling is so addictive! Hard to resist.

Dysfunction is the gift...

...that keeps on giving.  Yup, look back at your life.  Is there a pattern in your relationships?  Are you attracted to people with similar characteristics?  Maybe like I described above?  The thing you loved the most about the person you fell in love with, are usually the thing you end up hating the most about them. 

What to do?

I can't say anything else here except SELF-AWARENESS. Know yourself.  Know your weaknesses.  Look at negative patterns in your relationships.  These probably point to some of your lifetraps and your potential for bad chemistry relationships.  Depending on how destructive these patterns are, I would suggest either honest conversations with your partner or professional counselling.  You want to work towards a healthy way of avoiding these bad chemistry vortexes.  Not impossible, but will take some honest commitment from both of you to recognise the vortexes in your relationships.  Then, to be committed to stop the vortex as soon as it gets triggered. 

I've described on type of bad chemistry interaction.  What type of interactions have you found in your relationships that could point to bad chemistry? 

Do We Protect Our Children from the Wrong Things?



My Patrysie

On 12 May 2010, my pavement special companion of 15 years, Patrys started showing signs of liver failure.  Eventually on Saturday 15 May 2010, I had to take her to a very compassionate veterinarian to have her euthanized. 

Think it still is one of the most traumatising experiences in my whole life and I still cry when I think about it.  I see my sadness as a tribute to the great dog Patrys was to me and the rest of my family. 

When my brother broke the news to his girls, Brigitte and Cassandra, they were inconsolable and cried passionately for a good hour.  I found great solace from the girls as they would not mind talking about Patrys and what they miss about her; something that I found hard to do with adults in the same free manner. 

More than that, they wanted to talk about Patrys and what they missed about her and how they miss her. 

Cassandra and Brigitte in the outfits I got them in Chennai

Precious Ashes
Two weeks later I received her ashes and I showed the girls.  Cassandra grabbed it and hugged it to her face with a huge smile and closed eyes; clearly a happy reunion. 

Brigitte, on the other hand, in her quiet way just inspected the little bag of ash and handed it back to me without a word.  

Since then we have had many talks about Patrys, Cascas has been reunited with Patrys’ ashy remains a few time and I find that I don’t miss her every day any more. 

That was until last week when 9-year old Brigitte used Patrysie to teach me a huge life lesson about negative protection.

The Ashes Prt 2

We were driving somewhere and out of the blue Brigitte said she missed Patrys.  My stomach made a flip when she said she thinks of Patrys often because of the way she died. 

After probing a bit, I realised that Brigitte interpreted Patrys’ ashes as a sign that we had her killed by burning her to ashes!!! My poor soft-hearted, deep thinker, pondering Gitte!  Now I understand why she was so quiet when she saw Patrys’ ashes and why she never wanted to see it again like her sister. 

Of course I immediately explained the process of humane euthanasia to her to reassure her that Patrys did not suffer.  I told her how my doggie looked at me as if to ask that I take the pain and feeling garra away and how hard it was for me.  She seemed satisfied and sat quietly, processing the new information; still sad, but not as horrifying as before.  

The Dog Whisperer

Palatable Pain?
It made me think about big picture and detail and age appropriate sharing in real life.  How we tried to make Patrysie’s death palatable for the 6 and 8-year old girls which meant cutting down on details.  We wanted to spare them the pain by shielding them and because of that, we often cause them more pain. 

Now I’m beginning to question how I instinctively deal with difficult and painful things my kids are presented with.  I’m a big fan of the dog whisperer, Cesar Milan and using his methods have done wonders for my other pavement special, Chipi.  More on that another time, though. 

Listen to Daddy's Daddy
The Dog Whisperer believes that dogs (and children) live in the moment and are less concerned about the past or the future than we adults are.  This means that if a dog has been abused before we got him, we are likely to feel sorry for him and treat him like a victim as a result.  In this manner, we trap the dog in dysfunctional behaviour because we expect the dog won’t be able to cope with our expectations or with change!   As soon as the owner change their approach and energy (Cesar loves that word) to calm-assertive, the dog usually changes noticeably! 

I can do it...
I have noticed the same type of dynamic when I do play-therapy with children.  As I’m not the parent, I don’t hold back from setting boundaries, explaining expectations and “pushing” the child to express and digest emotions and information.  I am calm-assertive and just deal with “the moment”. 

But why not with mine?
When I’m with my kids, however, I am afraid I’m going to hurt them or I find it hard to see them hurt by life.  I lose my mindful “in-the-momentness” and are driven by fears of the future (that they will be hurt by me and I will spoil their future) or fears of the past (remembering my undealt-with painful events of the past when I was hurt).  So I try to protect them and I limit their exposure to the natural lows life offers. 

Pain leads to growth
I’m realising that by limiting their exposure to painful things of life, I’m also limiting their ability to grow and cope with life.  I forget that I can help them process and digest the information they are given so they can learn to trust that emotions are not scary or dangerous but are helpful and vital.  So, when I limit their exposure to pain, I’m actually burdening them with my issues. 

We under-estimate them!
I also think we underestimate the ability of children to digest information and emotions.  They are so resilient.  I’ve experienced their bounce-back ability from my interaction in therapy with children.  I’ve seen children who had seen their mothers abused, who had been raped, whose parents got divorced, and who had been physically hurt by their parents digest and process their experiences within a few sessions!  Every time I tell myself I must remember how resilient children are...and every time my kids hurt, I forget it.  Eish. 

Just to reassure you:  I don’t think the indiscriminate age-inappropriate sharing of painful information with children is good either.  I will definitely not tell the gritty information about Patrys’ last moments to Gitte until she needs it or wants more detail.

The point is just to examine how much my own fear of pain is interfering with my ability to foster emotional skills in my kids. 

Obama, the most difficult, influential and powerful job in the world is NOT being the prez of the US – it is being a Good Enough Parent!