John Lennon says: Love means saying you're sorry every fifteen minutes

Love means never having to say you're sorry.  This is a line from the novel and movie Love Story.  Total nonsense.  Love means that you never stop apologising!  


Apology vs Anger-layers
I agree with what John Lennon said:  "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes." Nobody's perfect and we really hurt someone close to us at least once a day. Whether its unintentional or intentional doesn't matter:  we hurt one another.  Undealt with, these hurts can build up to become solid anger-layers inside us.  This post is not about these layers.  It's about building the habit of heartfelt apologies and how apologies refresh and build humble, cooperative relationships.  

A heartfelt apology says:  I acknowledge that I violated something about you - your beliefs, values, dignity; something you care about.  A heartfelt apology doesn't have to be heavy but it has to be honest, humble and truly about reconciliation.  Anyone can see a trite apology a mile off and all it does is solidify the anger of the offended party, thereby increasing the relationship rift.


Be like little children
One can see this so well in sibling-relationships in children.  Sibs sometimes come close to murder but a real apology quickly restores harmony.  But let one just give a dishonest "sorry"...the other one is usually quick to protest the plastic apology and the previous conflict just resumes where it was left off!  It takes time to help children work through real conflict and help them to reach real resolution and forgiveness, but it always warms my heart to see how quickly a real sorry fix their relationship.  Doesn't mean they won't be moving on to murder pretty quickly, but it usually is because of new issues.

As adults, we have the responsiblity to teach our children how to apologise.  The most powerful way is by modelling it to them.  The question then is:  How often do you apologise to them for making mistakes with them?  For yelling at them.  Or not sharing your chocolate with them or fighting with their other parent in front of them.  For swearing in traffic.  For making their brother or sister cry.  For losing your patience.  For all the things you expect of them but not doing yourself.  Children are not stupid.  They are able to see when your walk and your talk doesn't match up.  


Apologies prevent shame lifetraps
The thing about not apologising is that it hurts your children.  They have a core need to know true boundaries, true pictures of themself.  If you hurt them but don't apologise, they think they've been treated unfairly because there must be something wrong with them.  That is called shame and is one of the most destructive lifetraps that a person can develop.  From about the age of 8, they start to realise its not all them and they start to mistrust you and everything you try to teach them. 


Just be good enough
I know it is hard to be a parent - so much that sucks you dry.  Nobody expects you to be perfect, just be good enough.  That means that you do the most good you can in a day and make sure it is more than the "bad".  And you apologise for the "bad".  Apologising helps your child to see it's not their bad that makes you upset.  That you had a choice to act in an upbuilding way and you chose not to.  Also that you chose to take responsiblity for your bad choices and that you are willing to humble yourself to restore the relationship.  That the relationship with them is more important than your own ego or your need to feel OK about yourself.  


Every time I've apologised to a child for my own unfair behaviour or words, I've been floored by their willingness to forgive.  And how refreshing it was to be forgiven by their pure little hearts.  I've even gone as far as phoning my nieces at night if I think back over the day and realise that I did something unfair or that I did something that I expect them NOT to do.  It's humbling but it is also great to hear how happy they are that I've made the effort.  


Be adult about it...

Of course, these same things apply to adult relationships as well.  Unfortunately, apologies between adults are not as simple.  But it has exactly the same effect:  it restores peace and reconnects people.  We are made for deep connections and apologies are important ways to deepen connections.  


There are stacks of websites that will give you apology how2's and it bores me to rehash stuff that's already out there.  


However, knowing your own apology language and that of your significant others will probably help the process.  I did this online assessment and I learnt that apologies that focussed on accepting responsiblity are most meaningful to me:

You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.

I will ask others to take this questionnaire so I can also apologise to them in ways they find meaningful.  I don't apologise enough and I will make an effort to do so more.  Real love means that you will say sorry frequently.  

Are you in a self-defeating relationship?

Previously I’ve posted about bad relationship chemistry and how we tend to gravitate towards negative relationship patterns because we love the familiar, even if it’s unhealthy!  Often, we believe we deserve the unhealthy because of our own lifetraps.  A lifetrap is like a pair of glasses through which we see a distorted view of the world.  But because we’ve always had this pair of glasses, we think our distorted view is how things really are.  This distorted view relates to how we look at ourselves, how we perceive others and relationships and the world as a whole. 

For example:  Betty grew up in a home where her dad loved her but never showed it.  He was a quiet man who mostly tinkered in his workshop or read his newspaper.  When she tried to get his attention, he would get irritated with her.  Betty’s lifetrap glasses could make her world look like this:

·      Self:  I’m boring and not interesting enough to get attention from men.  My emotional needs are irritating.  I’m likely to be rejected if I make my needs known.

·      Others/relationships:  I can’t expect other’s to want to meet my emotional needs.  I should not bother others with my needs.

·      The world:  Rejecting; cold.

Betty therefore believes there is something wrong with her because she was not enough to warrant attention from her dad.  Her needs are not as important as her father’s needs and she believes that if she asks for emotional needs to be met, she will be rejected.  This then just confirms that there is something wrong with her.  She has learnt that love means that your emotional needs are not as important as what the other person wants.  Asking for emotional nurturance or guidance will mean you will probably be rejected as if you’re irritating.  This lifetrap tells her that this must mean that there is something wrong with her needs and emotions...and with her as a person.

These are the lifetraps of Emotional Deprivation and Shame/Defectiveness. 

How does this influence the type of relationships Betty gets involved in?  You’ve probably guessed.  Because she thinks her emotional needs are less important than those of others, she suppresses her needs.  She gets attracted to strong, quiet men, just like her dad.   They make her feel safe, because they’re not emotional or insecure.  However, they also don’t like it when she gets “uncontrolled” and emotional.  They tell her she is “needy” when she wants emotional reassurance or nurturance, just like her dad did.  They sometimes look at her like she’s crazy when she expresses strong needs or emotions – just like her dad. 

Betty has fallen into a relationship pattern of lifetrap chemistry.  She believes her emotional needs are not valid and therefore she is attracted to men who treat her in a way that confirms her beliefs; men who are rejecting of emotional needs and emotionally distant like her dad.  To avoid being rejected she suppresses her needs and emotions and focuses on being sensitive to his needs, maybe in the hope that if she’s giving enough he will return the favour.  Of course, he has his own lifetraps and he never learns from her.  The more emotionally demanding she becomes, the more rejecting he becomes.  This dynamic confirms all her beliefs:  I’m not allowed to have needs.  My needs are not OK.  I will be rejected by others if I’m real and vulnerable. 

It really is a vicious circle.

It is interesting, however, how much sexual chemistry is involved when there are really toxic lifetrap chemistry going on.  Nowadays, being attracted to a partner or having sexual chemistry seems to be a deciding factor with partner selection.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, this chemistry is often based on lifetrap chemistry.  Bad chemistry that will create more trouble than it’s worth. 

This is my pet cringe:  new very-much-in-love couples who radiate lifetrap chemistry.  I feel like the prophet of doom when I recognise it and I usually keep quiet.  But it doesn’t feel great when I later see the emotional turmoil involved in this relationship.  Painful, actually because I know that it can be prevented or resolved.  Either way requires confronting the self and taking responsibility for your own beliefs and actions.  That’s also difficult, which is why most people choose to carry on with the familiar pattern.  Better the devil you know, hey?

Do you have a pattern of lifetrap chemistry relationships?  What has been the effect on your life?  What beliefs about yourself and relationships drives these bad chemistry relationships? 

My way to win the battle between Black Dog and White Dog

Amazing how things converge.  I’ve complained previously about how I’m being ruled by my enthusiasms to the point of exploding!  Yesterday I attended a training session on statistics and I met another woman there who has been going through exactly the same process as I have. 

She is a great lady: working mom of three in the academic world in a management position until recently.  For anyone who knows the academic world: it’s as cutthroat as any multinational corporation and not for the fainthearted.  She’s fun and very likeable, so no hardcore tough cookie, either.  We could talk a bit about this stage of our lives we’re in and as always, just voicing things helps to process it.

Face the pain

Last night I decided to tackle the issues at hand.  I’ve taken some time the last week to talk to some people about where I’m at and the feedback my friends gave me gave me two insights about myself. The first is that I hardly ever never get to the point where what I’ve done or am is “good enough”. 

There’s always a next milestone and a better, faster way.  Of course, my view of me is also linked to that.  I can always be more patient, gentler, more giving, slower to anger (eish), more more more. 

The next, related, insight was that I keep the never-good-enough fire hot with a negative script.  This script is so automatic, I’m not even aware of it any more.  But it fuels the fire of not-good-enough!

Starve Cujo

I’ve decided to use the two-pronged approach – feed the white dog, starve the black dog.  At the moment, I’m not ever sure what the black dog is being fed, so I’ve started listening to what I tell myself to feed the Black slavering black Cujo.  Every now and then I jot down any Cujo thought I could capture! 

Example

I washed my car this morning.  Beeeeg accomplishment!  But then I started scripting that I should polish the car for it to be a good job. 

“Eish, I’m a bit tired after being in training the whole day and having to catch up with work today so don’t have energy for polishing.  But I have to otherwise the accomplishment of washing my car is wasted. ”  *Disappointment and anger*

 Just putting it down on (virtual) paper helped me see how much pressure I place on myself!  And how defeatist my reasoning is.  So encouraging because I could make a plan.  And loosen the relenting tyranny of “have to’s”.  So, I polished my bonnet, roof and boot.  Enough for today.  Will do the rest (maybe) when I was my car again, probably in July. 

White Dog 1 – Black Dog 0

Feed the White Dog

I’ve found that I can try and be as positive as I want to be, but there is no true transformation if I try to stuff my mind with just plain positive thoughts.  To me there is just no substitute for meditating on the Bible. 

So, to feed the White Dog, this scripture from Phil 4:8 (The Message) is what is hitting the mark at the moment. 

“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”

I’ve read how people call Paul a misogynist and other negative things.  I have nothing but praise for the man.  He was in jail while writing the above and I’m sure he’s learnt the hard way – like I am currently – that this is what is what works.  (I’m using the Message Bible at the moment.  Know it’s not the most accurate translation, but simple language is all I can cope with at the moment.) 

Noble thoughts

Now, I’m not exactly sure yet what meditating on true, noble, authentic etc things really mean, but I like “the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” part.  It captures my mindset at the moment as I’ve been struck hard by the ugly in the world and have been focussing on the curse-worthy things of late.  So, I and my BFF joke about being able to have a noble thought now and then.  Well, she jokes more because I think she’s has more of them at the moment.  I’m still a bit flabberghasted at even thinking up noble things.  Even the Afrikaans word “eerbaar” doesn’t help me understand the concept of noble more.  But its still early in the battle.

The beautiful

The beautiful in my life is very much connected to being creative and my loved ones.  So, made a story book for Big Boy to prepare him for a new nanny and his Nana (current nanny) leaving.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The fact that he loves it made me so happy.  So, have decided that my creative outlet for the time being will be to make more books for Big Boy as he responds really well to being prepared for things through stories. 

His mom has a whole list of needed story areas so no needs analysis needed.  Last night I pencilled the story and illustrations to motivate him to go to sleep at night.  I love the whole process.  Can’t wait for the time later today I allocated to start painting and inking the book.  Think I’ll scan this book and post some of it. 

White Dog 2 – Black Dog 0

All in all had a good morning.  Even though I’m exposing how negative and unrelenting I am, I’m also happy because I am doing something about it.  Hope is a great thing. 

How about giving me some ideas for beautiful things I can meditate on.  Or tell me more about your Black and White dogs.  I’m sure I’m not the only one with this raging war going on inside of me or what?

Confessions of an exploding lady

At the moment, my life is crazy!  Like always, it is because I’m ruled by my enthusiasms.  I’ve signed up for a few free research workshops offered by the university.  Spent one whole week doing that.  Great info, but now I just have more for the groaning to-do list:  write a few journal articles based on my MA treatise and an idea for another journal article based on my doctorate. 

That’s another giant to-do:  my doctorate which is very slowly churning.  Too slow, because I am ruled by my other enthusiasms.

DibanisaWay is about teaching people relationship skills.  I love it and want to grow it.  That will mean making time for writing proposals, workshops, doing marketing.  I just don’t have the time!

Then, I have to have fun. Visit friends, play with the kids, read, take the dog for walks, time with God, church stuff.  Can’t just sit behind my computer! 

I also have to earn money. I work for myself and if I don’t work, I don’t pay.  The problem with that is that you can always work more, longer, later at night. 

Tonight I just feel like cracking a bit.  I have way too much on my plate, but don’t want to get rid of any of these enthusiasms and necessities.  It’s a bit like visiting my favourite restaurant with an eat-all-you can buffet.  You can only eat that much and then you’ll explode...like that fat dude from Monthy Python’s The Meaning of Life.

Well, I feel tonight like I’m at the point of exploding. 

Been wondering about that this week.   When did I become a slave to my enthusiasms and more importantly:  Why?  Don’t have the answer but I am digging.  Spent a bit of time lamenting in my journal.  Always great to just write every thought down and make sense of stuff that way.  But are not that enthusiastic about journaling as I usually am.  I think it is because I’m at the edge of finding out a disturbing truth about myself – one I probably have known for some time without getting the full picture of how self-destructive I can be.  Think it has to do with over-compensation.  Ouch. 

Over-compensation means there is something I think I “under –do” or probably more true of me; if I don’t overcompensate, I probably tap into a feeling of worthlessness or powerlessness.  I think that many of us, when we can or do take the time out, can tap into that place where we question the worthiness of “me”.  If I don’t produce good work, or am a good parent, spouse, friend, sibling...am I then OK? 

It’s easy to throw the mantra around that “if I think I’m OK, then its enough”. Our individualistic Western world runs on the idea of you being OK with yourself.  It’s only your opinion of yourself that counts.  I have a problem with that because it’s just not true.  We are nothing without those around us.  We were created to define who we are in our relationships with others.  Despite being indoctrinated that it doesn’t matter, it does matter what the people we surround ourselves reflect back to us.  It does matter to me, in any case.  And its not that I’ve had negative feedback from my loved ones.  It’s just that I’m wondering whether I’ll be OK with who I am my relationships if I don’t produce academic journal articles, dissertations, training courses or blogs?  If I, like Christopher Reeves, lost my ability to do anything for myself: would I think I have a right to live like he did?  Really deep inside, would I feel like a burden and feel like I could never make up the effort I ask of my caregivers?  Probably, losing one’s independence would bring such struggles.  My question though: deep down inside, would just being me be enough for others to still love me? 

It’s a vulnerable thing to put out for whoever to read and I’m deeply uncomfortable with even putting this on paper, never mind post in my blog.  But I think it’s important that I commit myself to this journey.  I can’t just keep on being a slave to my enthusiasms without understanding exactly how over-compensation is dousing the flame.  I didn't reread what I wrote or edit it.  It must stay the way it is, lest I change my mind about committing to scratching deep inside of me. 

So, dear reader.  Spare a thought for this over-compensating treasure hunter. 

Poo is important!

A few incidents with kids and poo made me want to write a bit about it.  Little weird? Think we adults have been trained to dislike poo too much.  And really, what's to like? 



celebrating poo!

Poo is goood

But poo is very important to a 2 to 3 year old.  My little friend, 30 month old Hannah, now knows all the organs in the digestive tract.  She particularly loves the colon cause that's where the poo is.  My niece, 4 month old Lily did an untimely #2 in the bath the other day.  Her 24 month brother Big Boy was a little shocked but also impressed.  And there's certainly a reason why Winnie's a Pooh-bear!

Good ole Freud
Freud was the first to make an issue out of kids and pooh.  His theory of psycho-sexual development described the Anal stage.  That is when 1 to 3 year olds get most of their "psychological energy" (I'm trying to make Freud sound a little less weird) from learning to control their pee and poo.  I know people don't like that the word "sexual" is connected to children, but this "sexual" refers more to a type of energy than to what we adults think of as "sexual", OK? 

Poo-pooing
Freud went on to say that the way parents handle toilet training is strongly connected to whether a child feels shame or accomplishment.  He linked anxiety-type personality traits to rigid, punitive toilet training.  Not sure how accurate that is.  What I do know is that children LOVE poo. 

Poo is power!
I think it has to do with how powerless they feel amidst powerful adults in a huge world.  Being able to produce something from your own body must be amazing if you feel powerless.  And to get that bit of autonomy and sense of "self" is one step in that journey of growing up. 

Poo punishment
Sometimes children use pee and poo to punish people.  I have heard of children that would poo inappropriately to show their disdain with parents.  To show that they don't agree.  In that sense, being able to hold back and produce poo at will is a way to have a little bit of control in relationships. 

poo=happy with friends

Constipation with a purpose
Amazing that not wanting to give poo often is to do with a child who feels helpless, angry or depressed.  A little client I had would always have a poo accident during play therapy.  She was raped and severely neglected in her first two years of life and didn't know how to appropriately attach to people. During play therapy, she started to gain control over relationships again.  She showed this by "giving" poo to me.  Fortunately she was old enough to do the toilet thing herself.  I'm not that good with "receiving" poo. 

Poo has energy?
Another child development theorist, Melanie Klein, often talked about the child "flinging faeces at the parent".  Not really flinging it, but trying to show some independence and control.  So, flinging refers to the psychological energy behind the act of pooing and how it sometimes is used to punish or show disdain. 

Poo Power

So, the journey of becoming aware of pee and poo is not just about being potty trained (and saving money on nappies - although an important consideration sometime!)  It is really about your child taking significant steps in her perception of accomplishment and sense of autonomy.  On the other hand, if not handled correctly, it could be your child’s introduction to anxiety and shame.

Yes, poo is important!

Tell me some of your kids' poo-stories. 

5 sad conclusions of children with angry parents

I’ve been quiet this week.  Mostly because I had a rough time emotionally.  What does one write about when overwhelmed with sadness about the emotional pain some children endure in their families?  Nothing, it seems. 

In my work as a psychologist, I work with children.  I get to spend an incredibly vulnerable and fragile hour with children while they play out their little hearts in my playroom.

Incredible how perceptive children are about what is really going on in their family.  If only parents could grasp how their marriage relationship affects their children.  Or, how their tone can tell children something they didn’t intend. 

These are some of the things I’ve heard from my little clients from “normal” families:

1. I’m scared my parents find another kid and they don’t want me anymore;
2. My dad doesn’t like me.  He is going to sell me to the Arabs;
3. My mom wants to break up with my dad and marry Edward (Cullen from Twilight).  But she doesn’t realise he’s not a real person;
4. I want to say to my father he must leave my mom alone.  He must give her the money for petrol she asks for;
5. My dad is going to die because he doesn’t drink enough water.

I want to emphasise that these are relatively “normal” families.  Nothing abusive going on.  The only thing that I can see in these families are that the parents fight in front of the children.  The fathers show inappropriate anger towards the children and/or their mothers. 

And these are the conclusions children arrive at:  I’m not loved.  My mother is not loved.  I’m not worthy of love. 

How sad is that.   

How does this post make you feel? 

1 Guaranteed way to make your child feel unloved

The pressures of modern life and parenting in a modern world can be overwhelming.  Information overload, peak traffic , inflation, finanancial pressures, naughty children, narcissistic colleagues... say no more.  Modern life is tough. 

That's why I want to give you 1 quick but GUARANTEED tip on how to make your child feel unloved; even hated.  

Have your child observe or hear how you and your partner fight. 

Shocking but true. 

Why can I say this?  Because I've heard many children say this to me during play therapy. 

Let me explain
You are your child's world!  You are how they survive in this world.  They know it. 

If you become unsafe, by fighting, you disrupt their feeling of safety.  The only way they can feel that they are safe again, is by idealising you and devaluing themselves.  They have to make you good and safe.  They can only do this by making themselves bad.  It's the way childrens' minds work.  It is not logical to you but it is to a little human being that has to keep you "good" in order to stay attached to the parents that have to protect them.

Truth:  All couples fight. So, how to do it in a way that doesn't affect your child's view of themselves?  You've heard this a million times, so I'll just bullet point it:

• Don't fight in front of the children;
• If you start a fight in front of the children, apologise to them;
• Make a conscious decision to NOT snap, shout, or be sarcastic where the children can hear or observe;
• Explain to them how all good relationships will have disagreements;
• Explain to them that even if you fight, it doesn't mean you don't love one another;
• Show them how you have made peace;
• Apologise to one another in front of your children regularly; and
• Ask for forgiveness from your spouse and your children when there was conflict. 

Fix this NOW

1. Go to your children NOW. 
2. Ask them for forgiveness for any nasty conflict you've had with their other parent where they could hear or observe it.
3. Explain to them what you have done wrong.
4. Explain to them how it does not mean you don't love them.
5. Allow them to tell you exactly how it made them feel when you fight. Accept all their feelings.
6. DO NOT tell them not to feel that way. 
7. DO NOT try to make excuses for your behaviour. 

Just make them feel better. 

I know that it will make you feel better. 

 

Hey Oprah! 15 things I know for sure.



Oprah always asks this.  Mostly people give “deep” altruistic answers.  Meryl Streep said she knows for sure that she’ll never lose the 10lbs she picked up with her last child.  I like her.  A lot. 

I’m 41 this year.  I’m told I look younger and sometimes I do feel younger than “41”.  Inverted commas because I’m not sure how 41 should look.  When my mom was 41, she had been married for 20 years and had 3 children.   I’m the eldest and I was 19 and studying at university at the time.

One

I’m 41.  I’ve never been married.  I don’t have children.  Never planned it to be this way.   I became a Christian when I was 25 and decided that I would only marry a man that loves God more than he loves me.    Had long and short relationships before and since.  Just never got to the marriage stage.  Thank goodness for some.  If only I persevered longer for others.  But nevertheless, I don’t regret my decisions.  Always thought I’d rather be single than be in a bad marriage. 

Two

I’m 41.  I don’t have (human) children.  Never planned it to be this way.  Didn’t really pursued it either.  As a Christian woman, I am committed to sexual purity so never could fall pregnant by accident.  Wasn’t willing to marry just to have children.  I don’t regret my decision.  Thought that if I have children, they need a God-focussed father.  I’d rather not have children than bring them up in an unhappy home.

Three

I’m 41.  I’ve picked up weight since I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia in 1999.  About 20kgs.  Have tried to lose it with diets.  The kg’s always came back with friends.  Migrated up 2 dress sizes.  Grown into this body now.  Even like it a bit.  My body is me.  Being overweight is not equal to being defective and shameful.  It is just simply being overweight.  I’d rather be overweight and “here” than normal weight and captive in “body shame”.

Four

I’m 41.  I’m an aunt of 4 children.  My brother has 2 girls; my sister a pigeon pair.  Never thought about being an aunt really.  Now that I’m one, I am elated.  They are my future as much as they are their parents’ future.  I invest my heart into them as I would have in my own children.  I don’t have to stuff vegetables down their throat or buy practical shoes.  I buy ice-cream and Barbie shoes (not for Big Boy, of course).  I go to the beach and listen to long stories about movies and friends.  I teach how to explain how their hearts are sad or angry.  I hug and ask for kisses.  Then I give them back to their parents.  I know I miss out on the hard times that build relationships.  I don’t sit up at night with a sick child.  I don’t change stinky nappies.  This is what I would have done with my own children.  But I have the best children an aunt could have.  I'm the best aunt I can be. I’d rather be a committed aunt than lamenting the fact that I probably never will have children. 

Five

I’m 41.  I love my dogs.  They are my children, my family.  I treat them like dogs.  I love them like friends.  I used to feel guilty and even shame for sometimes loving my dogs more than I love some human beings.  No more.  I love my dogs.  I still mourn my companion of 16 years that died in my arms last year.  I will always love my dogs.  No apologies.  I’d rather rescue dogs and create a mixed-species family unit than not having these strong relationships. 

I’m 41 and this is also what I know for sure:

Six

Life doesn’t work out the way you thought it would when you were 20.

Seven

Life is hard and unpredictable with lots of challenges and emotional pain.  It's meant to be this way.

Eight

Life in Christ is harder than life outside of Christ.  Christianity is not for sissies.

Nine

I am a complex human being that will never quite have a handle on who I really am.  I don't expect you to completely understand me either.

Ten

I am surprisingly resilient.  Still here. 

Eleven

I am able to give love and my love is able to fill others.

Twelve

I am able to receive love and be filled by others' love.

Thirteen

You don't have to understand me to like me.  I don't need to understand me to like you. 

Fourteen

I have a voice.

Fifteen

You have a voice too.  I want to hear what you know for sure. 
I want to be filled by your wisdom and life too.   
Just take the step and tell me in the comments section the one or two or many things you know for sure...

Hit the Wall? Pink Floyd on Parenting

The poster for the movie

When your favourite movies start showing on TCM (Turner’s Classic Movies), you know you’ve climbed over an invisible wall recognised by your peers and those older than you.  It’s that wall that makes teens and 20-somethings look at you funny when you sing:  “I want to break free-eeee!” or can sing Haas Das, Liewe Heksie or Pinocchio’s theme song. 

Those were the days when TV started at 6pm and closed at 10pm with Die Stem reverently sung by a choir of [definitely white] voices.

Youth is wasted on the young?
I knew that the day would arrive when I don’t feel 18 inside anymore. 

Hints were the good looking young men at university who insisted on calling me “Ma’am” and young ladies that look like I feel inside (that’s 18, remember) that referred to me as “daai Tannie”. 

The Wall on TCM
Yes, I had hints that this day will arrive... but that it would arrive with The Wall being on TCM; well that was unexpected.  Nevertheless, I had a fabulous time late last night watching Pink Floyd’s cult record translated to movie/animation by Alan Parker (the director of another all-time favourite of mine – The Commitments).

The Story

Pink Floyd - my hero Roger Waters is 2nd right.

For those poor impoverished souls who have missed out on this vital part of your upbringing and socialisation into the real world (according to Roger Waters), you can go read up on it at Wikipedia. 

The basic story is about a pop star called Pink Floyd (ja, I know) played by Bob Geldoff and his journey and battle with alienation and emotional detachment. 

Lots of metaphors and stunning music and other deep stuff.  Njam.  And a grillerige scene where Pink shaves off his chest hair and eyebrows with one of those 1970s safety razors. 


Young Pink and Catatonic Pink

Parenting?
There are all sorts of themes that are part of the Good Enough Parent course embedded in The Wall. 

Pink’s father died in the war and being abandoned by his father, he longs for a father figure.  There you have the Abandonment lifetrap.

His mother is over protective as the lyrics from Mother say:  “She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing.” There you have the Dependency and maybe Defectiveness Lifetraps developing.

He writes poetry and his teacher shames him big time in class for his poems...Defectiveness/Shame and Mistrust lifetrap.  Pink becomes more and more emotionally detached and builds this metaphorical wall between him and others.  This is the avoidant coping style in action, baby! 

Avoidant Coping Style

People with the genetic disposition to cope with their pain/frustration at unmet need by avoiding really tell themselves that the pain of their unmet needs is too painful to face.  They then find ways of distracting themselves and “remove” the pain from their conscious awareness.  Every time an image, thought or memory regarding the lifetrap or unmet need is activated in their minds or lives, they distract themselves by being busy with something else.  Of course, some people end up having to distract themselves constantly.  This is why the avoidance coping tendency is very much alive where addictions are present...so much for that chocolate binge you were planning for later, hey?

Unfortunately the distributor is Warner, which means I don’t have copyright to use movie clips from The Wall during the Good Enough Parenting training.  Pity as it would have helped to illustrate avoidant coping in a brilliant manner.  Anyway, heard on Sky this morning that Waters and Gillmore will be reuniting for a The Wall performance.  Anyone feel like donating a ticket to a die-hard fan? 

If you're in the mood, you can read some more deep stuff into the lyrics to Mother, one of the songs from The Wall:

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like this song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for President?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Is it just a waste of time?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you
Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
Momma's will keep Baby cozy and warm
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, of course Momma's gonna help build the wall


Mother, do you think she's good enough
For me?
Mother, do you think she's dangerous
To me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
Momma won't let anyone dirty get through
Momma's gonna wait up until you get in
Momma will always find out where you've been
Momma's gonna keep Baby healthy and clean
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, you'll always be Baby to me


Mother, did it need to be so high?



Failing your way to perfection

This Easter Weekend I went on holiday with 6 friends.  We went to South Africa’s Wild Coast.

Beautiful scenery. 

Amazing company. 

Good food.  Perfect.  What more could one want? 

In my case, it was failure.  Meh. 

The Hike
My friends heard about a hike one could take along the coast from the Hole-in-the-Wall to Coffee Bay.  Good deal: R60, including lunch and drive to the Hole-in-the-Wall from Coffee Bay. Approximately 3km.  Perfect. 

Hole in the Wall

Alas, my friends got their wires crossed.  It was a 3-HOUR walk, 10 kms!  Doh! Unfortunately, we only realised this when on the hike already.  Double Doh! 

The Promise of Success
Joseph, the guide said there will be 3 uphill climbs.  The 1^st will be the worst.  Thereafter, it will be easy.  Me, tough cookie that I am, reckoned I could survive one uphill battle.  So, there we went.  Past the Hole-in-the-Wall, the beach with the sand sculpture of a crocodile and the cows on the beach.  (I kid ye not.)

Beach Cows

Success Part 1
The 1^st climb was hard and nerve wrecking.  Very steep, slippery, close to the edge of the precipice.  Had to push the lady ahead of me up one particularly steep part.  A bit like a comedy as the only I could do this was to push her up by her bum.  Bummer.

I survived the 1^st climb and thought I might just survive the other 9kms. 

Next climb:  Huge, high, steep, long.  All the words you don’t want to be associated with a climb on what you thought would be a leisurely hike.

By the time I was halfway, everyone else had reached the top.  By the time I was reached the two-thirds way mark, I was huffing, puffing, had used my asthma pump 20 times in the hope it would give me superpowers and had nearly passed out about 3 times. 

Giving up?  Who me?

It was time to think about quitting. 

Now, I’m not a quitter.  Dysfunctionally so, actually.   I never give up unless I never started because I knew I would not be able to finish.  Yes, dysfunctional, but made sense to me until I sat on the mountain at Hole-in-the-Wall. 

There I realised that I will only push to the top of this mountain to prove to myself that I’m not weak.  But after the hill, I still have to walk and climb 9 kms! And I definitely didn’t have the strength to do another 9 km’s. 

If I complete the climb, I will not have enough energy to complete the rest of the hike...weakness.  But if I don’t complete the climb…weakness.   A true double-bind.  Either way:  my weaknesses were out in the open.    

Mountain of Defectiveness
Before you say to yourself that you are comfortable with your weaknesses:  I thought I was too.  That was before I hit my mountain of defectiveness.  There I was hit by a seriously unnerving insight into myself:  By continually proving to myself that I could do anything I set my mind to, I was also continually proving to myself that I can’t show my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to others.  I have lived a life of believing the lies of my failure-shame.

I should, therefore I am?
My failure –shame says that I am not allowed to feel pain.  I must push through the pain and complete the task, no matter how dysfunctional the task.  My failure-shame dictates that I keep these shame-areas from others because it is not OK to expect unnecessary compassion from others.  The more I disproved my weaknesses to avoid the discomfort of being aware of them, the more I strengthened my belief that my weaknesses are shameful.  That my weaknesses are me, not just things I don’t do well. 

The more I avoid the things I feel shame about, like giving up, the more I entrench the belief that giving up is shameful. 

Cry Freedom!
On that mountain, I cried my tears of frustration.  I cried tears of really feeling the discomfort of not being able to do everything I think I should be able to.  I cried because I have connected with a deep fear of being shamed for not being the tough cookie I thought I was.  I cried because I knew logically my thinking was flawed, yet the shame felt so real.  I cried because my friend Barbie clung to that steep slope with me without judgement and full of compassion for the battle of wills I was going through. 

I cried because the shame had held me from failing for so long.   

The Long Road to Carefree
We stayed on the mountain for about an hour, taking pictures, talking about God, fear, failure and meaningless things. 

We met a family coming down the mountain and had a great chat with them. 

We slowly walked down the mountain. 

We hitched a lift with a couple going to way we wanted to and got to know them. 

View from my mountain perch

At Coffee Bay, we ate homemade guava and banana ice-cream and shopped at Kaleidoscope Café.  We were free. We were carefree.  I was carefree!

Successful Failure
Later, my friends came back from the hike.  They were finished.  Apparently, there were definitely more than 3 hills.  The one mountain path was so close to the edge, they could see the carcasses of fallen goats and cows below.  My friend Riel said, looking back, he wished he was a more kind-hearted person.  Then he would’ve stayed behind to look after Barbie and me and saved himself the torture of the hike. 

And now?
Now I still shed a few tears when I connect with the stubborn pride that made me push through the things I was allowed to give up on. 

The dysfunctional relationships. 

The unfair work pressure. 

The unrealistic expectations I placed on myself. 

I went to the Wild Coast to have fun.  Instead, I went to fail.  Perfect!

Tell me about the lessons about failure you have learnt.