How to be more resilient

I have been sharing a bit more of my personal journey, which is at the moment focussed on meditating more on positive than negative. 

Resilience

One thing I've been looking at is building resilience:  the ability to bounce back after disappointments or obstacles.  I get a little irritated when people talk about "thinking positive" or looking at the glass as half-full.  Personally, I prefer to understand more why I think negative, than just avoid the negative and force the positive.  Think the latter are more short-term gain with a long-term loss.  But that is also how I function and think and I know for sure that others don't function the way I do. 

Know thy self

One way to build on resilience is to know your own strengths so you can build on those strengths.  It helps me to know what I do well naturally.  I can then work on fostering those strengths to reach goals - even if the goal is just to survive the day.  On the other hand, I enjoy self-development and practical things to change and work on. 

Positive psychology

There is a branch of psychology called positive psychology.  It focuses more on one's strengths and accomplishments to foster change and growth.  Other types of psychology would look more towards what has gone wrong - more problem focussed.  I think there is a place for both and there should be a balance. 

So, in order to focus more on the noble, good, and those things I've shared, I've decided to do a survey called Values-in-Action.  It's designed by a reputable group of researchers, so not one of those magazine-type "what's your shopping-style" type nonsense surveys.  If you want to do it, you can register here.  Just note that it's a proper survey, so it's long - 240 questions.  So make sure you have enough time to complete the whole thing.

Results for free

The free results are basically a list of your strengths and I think the top5 are probably a good reflection of your strengths.  Typically with these positive-type things, even #24 - your lowest strengths is still listed as a strength.  Or maybe I'm just missing the positive point here?

Here I am

Anyway, here are my top 5 strengths.  It's a good reflection of where I am in my life.  I recognise myself here as I've always had a thirst for information and understanding that makes others sigh with overload.  And I have a knack for questioning conventional wisdom - to the frustration of many.  So, these things are definitely me.  I was quite surprised how high I rated my ability and desire to do things in a new way.  Ja, that is me.  And it makes me understand my current frustration with my life and my desire for change.  I do like new things.  New ways.  New ideas. 

"Your Top Character Strength

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Your Second Character Strength

Curiosity and interest in the world
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.

Your Third Character Strength

Bravery and valor
You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

Your Fourth Character Strength

Kindness and generosity
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Your Fifth Character Strength

Love of learning
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn."

What have you learnt about yourself from doing the survey? 

Hit the Wall? Pink Floyd on Parenting

The poster for the movie

When your favourite movies start showing on TCM (Turner’s Classic Movies), you know you’ve climbed over an invisible wall recognised by your peers and those older than you.  It’s that wall that makes teens and 20-somethings look at you funny when you sing:  “I want to break free-eeee!” or can sing Haas Das, Liewe Heksie or Pinocchio’s theme song. 

Those were the days when TV started at 6pm and closed at 10pm with Die Stem reverently sung by a choir of [definitely white] voices.

Youth is wasted on the young?
I knew that the day would arrive when I don’t feel 18 inside anymore. 

Hints were the good looking young men at university who insisted on calling me “Ma’am” and young ladies that look like I feel inside (that’s 18, remember) that referred to me as “daai Tannie”. 

The Wall on TCM
Yes, I had hints that this day will arrive... but that it would arrive with The Wall being on TCM; well that was unexpected.  Nevertheless, I had a fabulous time late last night watching Pink Floyd’s cult record translated to movie/animation by Alan Parker (the director of another all-time favourite of mine – The Commitments).

The Story

Pink Floyd - my hero Roger Waters is 2nd right.

For those poor impoverished souls who have missed out on this vital part of your upbringing and socialisation into the real world (according to Roger Waters), you can go read up on it at Wikipedia. 

The basic story is about a pop star called Pink Floyd (ja, I know) played by Bob Geldoff and his journey and battle with alienation and emotional detachment. 

Lots of metaphors and stunning music and other deep stuff.  Njam.  And a grillerige scene where Pink shaves off his chest hair and eyebrows with one of those 1970s safety razors. 


Young Pink and Catatonic Pink

Parenting?
There are all sorts of themes that are part of the Good Enough Parent course embedded in The Wall. 

Pink’s father died in the war and being abandoned by his father, he longs for a father figure.  There you have the Abandonment lifetrap.

His mother is over protective as the lyrics from Mother say:  “She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing.” There you have the Dependency and maybe Defectiveness Lifetraps developing.

He writes poetry and his teacher shames him big time in class for his poems...Defectiveness/Shame and Mistrust lifetrap.  Pink becomes more and more emotionally detached and builds this metaphorical wall between him and others.  This is the avoidant coping style in action, baby! 

Avoidant Coping Style

People with the genetic disposition to cope with their pain/frustration at unmet need by avoiding really tell themselves that the pain of their unmet needs is too painful to face.  They then find ways of distracting themselves and “remove” the pain from their conscious awareness.  Every time an image, thought or memory regarding the lifetrap or unmet need is activated in their minds or lives, they distract themselves by being busy with something else.  Of course, some people end up having to distract themselves constantly.  This is why the avoidance coping tendency is very much alive where addictions are present...so much for that chocolate binge you were planning for later, hey?

Unfortunately the distributor is Warner, which means I don’t have copyright to use movie clips from The Wall during the Good Enough Parenting training.  Pity as it would have helped to illustrate avoidant coping in a brilliant manner.  Anyway, heard on Sky this morning that Waters and Gillmore will be reuniting for a The Wall performance.  Anyone feel like donating a ticket to a die-hard fan? 

If you're in the mood, you can read some more deep stuff into the lyrics to Mother, one of the songs from The Wall:

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother, do you think they'll like this song?
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Mother, should I build the wall?
Mother, should I run for President?
Mother, should I trust the government?
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
Is it just a waste of time?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
Momma's gonna put all of her fears into you
Momma's gonna keep you right here under her wing
She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
Momma's will keep Baby cozy and warm
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, of course Momma's gonna help build the wall


Mother, do you think she's good enough
For me?
Mother, do you think she's dangerous
To me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother, will she break my heart?


Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
Momma's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
Momma won't let anyone dirty get through
Momma's gonna wait up until you get in
Momma will always find out where you've been
Momma's gonna keep Baby healthy and clean
Oooo Babe
Oooo Babe
Ooo Babe, you'll always be Baby to me


Mother, did it need to be so high?



Have Relationships You can be Proud of

Part 1:  Truth:  painful or not.

Relationships have this nasty way of exposing truths about ourselves that we were not aware of.  Often these truths are uncomfortable (if you’re lucky) and sometimes just plain painful to face. 

What makes a painful truth unpalatable?  I’ve been thinking about it the last week as relationships and circumstances made me see some uncomfortable truths about myself.  I’ve come to the place in my life where it is easier to be surprised by my failings.  Yet, when I least expect it, I learn something new about the way I relate and sometimes, I’m not pleased with how I’ve been doing the relationship thing.  From experience, we can experience truth as painful in two distinct yet different ways:

• You see the big picture: You suddenly see the pattern of how you’ve hurt your relationships; usually it was unintentional.  This is the hardest for me to digest in my own life:  I hate seeing people hurt, especially those I love deeply.  That I caused them hurt…ouch.  Not necessarily a bad thing to see the big picture.
• You see the distorted picture:  Through the years, you developed distorted pictures of the world, other people, relationships and yourself.  For example, you may belief that if you make a mistake you deserve to suffer severe consequences.  Sounds kooky, but most of us have similar unconscious distorted picture.  We call them lifetraps.  When a lifetrap gets triggered, the painful truth about yourself will be much more painful and harder to face than if a truth was not linked to a lifetrap.  Usually not a healthy way to face a painful truth about yourself.  In fact, not even a truth. 

For example:  you have a minor fender bender that is not your fault. 

With a punitiveness lifetrap, you will automatically furious and punish yourself and the person who caused the accident in a way that is way out of proportion to the actual incident.  You may think something like: “You stupid, you were not attentive enough and that’s why it happened!” - Even if you were adequately attentive.  You will do something that is in line with the distorted view you have of yourself, other people, relationships and the world in line with your lifetrap. This is because the punitiveness lifetrap refers to the belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  If you have this lifetrap, you will find it difficult to forgive mistakes in yourself or in others.  You probably find it hard to consider that making mistakes happened because of extenuating circumstances, or you don’t allow for human imperfection, or you may find it hard to empathise with the feelings of others.

If you do not have the punitive lifetrap, you would also be irritated and angry at the inconvenience.  The difference is that you will see the big picture, not the distorted picture.  Your emotions will be in balance with the situation.  It would be a healthier response. 

Coping Responses
There are different ways to respond to the distorted and painful revelations of lifetraps.  It depends on your genetic make-up and you probably have a dominant response, although these responses are also determined by the specific situation, person or lifetrap involved.  These responses are called coping responses. 

• Surrender

If you are a surrenderer, you give in to the message of the lifetrap.  Punitiveness lifetrap says you and others must be harshly punished for allowing the small accident to happen.  You feel depressed, anxious or angry and the feeling remains as you believe you are powerless to change the message of the lifetrap.

• Avoid

If you are an avoider, you find the painful message of the lifetrap too painful to tolerate.  Therefore you will find a way to distract yourself from the painful message of the lifetrap.  You will suppress the emotions that the lifetrap triggered.  You might avoid looking at the bump on your car because it will trigger the punitiveness lifetrap.  Maybe you avoid the discomfort of your punitiveness beliefs by some retail therapy, or a chocolate treat, or maybe some internet porn?  Either way, you will do your best to avoid thinking about the accident because of all the painful messages attached to it.

• Overcompensate

If you overcompensate, you will try your best to disprove the painful message of the lifetrap.   This response style is also called counterattacking, meaning that you counter the painful lifetrap message by attacking it.  If you are an overcompensator, you might scream at the driver of the other vehicle.  It is less painful to scream at others that to accept that you have to punished severely for making a mistake.  The tendency to blame others or make excuses in order to counterattack the lifetrap message about yourself is a hallmark of the overcompensator. 

Some truths about lifetraps and our responses to them:

1. Lifetraps are distorted pictures of reality;
2. Lifetraps are formed when our core needs were not met as we grew up;
3. Lifetraps can range from being very strong to relatively weak;
4. Strong lifetraps will be triggered more often and our responses to these lifetraps will be strong;
5. Lifetraps causes unhealthy responses to neutral situations;
6. Lifetraps make negating life and its challenges very hard;
7. Lifetraps usually causes unresolved conflict in relationships;
8. Lifetraps make you ask:  “Why do I behave the way I do?” and
9. Everyone has lifetraps. 

But there's plenty of hope
Let’s end on a positive note:  When understood, lifetraps can be weakened.  Its effect on your relationships can be minimised and you and your spouse, friends and children will grow much closer.  Relationships can be healthy, but only if lifetraps that cause dysfunctional patterns are faced.